This is my 50th post (woohoo) and I want to talk about current events (for once).
I'm the kind of person who doesn't watch the news. You can say that I'm disaffected. I don't like politics, I think the news is depressing, and I'd rather be in my oblivious bubble during dinner time than watch a news story about a murder or robbery.
If something is really important, I almost always find out from the internet anyway.
Now that I am a Communication major, though, with a focus in journalism, I kind of have to pay attention to the news now. Of course, what's been fairly popular in the news for the past--what, 3 months?--is the Occupy Wall Street movement. Other cities in the United States and around the world have joined in this protest, and there's not really any clear leadership or purpose to it. All I know is that people are just plain fed up with the economy and how it's run. The trickle down effect doesn't work. 99% of the wealth belong to 1% of the world's population, and the rest of us who share 1% of the wealth are the 99%.
It's an angry world we live in, and the global inclination is toward anarchy at this point. However, I would like to shed some light on this and tell people things they've probably already heard before:
If you do not have a GED, you should not be protesting in OWS. You cannot get a job because you don't have a GED.
If you have a good laptop (it came out in the past few years, as opposed to ten years ago), you should not be protesting in OWS.
If you have an iPhone, iPod, iPad, iAnything, you should not be protesting in OWS. Clearly you have enough money if you've bought an Apple product.
If you're "living above your means," you should not be protesting in OWS. You have debt because you're living above your means. You cannot pay off your debt because you continue to do so.
If you're a drug addict or a drug dealer, you should not be protesting in OWS. If you're a drug addict, you're wasting your money on drugs. If you're a drug dealer, you're helping addicts waste their money on drugs. Aside from that, neither of you are law-abiding citizens, so how can you expect the government to listen to you and validate your feelings?
If you have a family to take care of, you should not be protesting in OWS. Now you might say, "I can't take care of my family because I don't have enough money, and that's why I joined in the protests." I'm sorry, your point is valid but let's be honest, your children would be better off with you present. You can probably cook better than them, and do you REALLY want your mother-in-law carrying the burden of caring for your children in your absence? Think carefully.
People who have a reason to protest:
-College students who are the victims of financial aid cuts.
-College grads who have pounded the pavement and offered to clean toilets and STILL cannot find a job.
-Senior citizens who cannot live on their social security (although they should not be exposed to the elements, and nobody wants to see an old woman get pepper-sprayed. That's just plain horrible.)
-People who REALLY cannot live off of what they're making. They've cut their spending, they clip coupons, they conserve energy, they work extra hours, they have two jobs, they eat the end pieces of the loaf of bread, and they STILL cannot pay all their bills.
-Schools that have been subject to terrible budget cuts. I'm thinking superintendents and maybe principals should be protesting. I do not think teachers should bring their class on a trip to Zuccotti Park so they can protest.
-The people who run homeless shelters. A homeless person can only stay for a limited amount of time because there's a limited amount of space. What the heck.
-People who need better healthcare. I know people who have jobs that do not provide health benefits, so they're under the "Healthy NY" plan, which SUCKS.
Overall, this has been going on for awhile now and I don't think anything's really changed. Is this movement going to change anything? Probably not. While some may say it's brought about unity, I think it's brought about more division. People hate the government more now than they did before, and people hate police more now than they did before.
"Oh, but Nicole, this movement has simply exposed the government and the police for what they truly are--heartless, greedy bastards who do not care about people."
And who are you?
Let's get one thing straight: you are not starving. Children in Uganda are starving. YOU are just HUNGRY.
Some protestors have legitimate reasons to protests. The rest of them are just chronic complainers who delight in rebellion. And frankly, it's hard to pinpoint a specific reason behind the movement because with every protestor you ask, the purpose varies slightly (or vastly).
I'm not for the movement, but I'm not against it either. I think the government has needed a wake up call for a long time. However, I do not think people camping out in Zuccotti Park and putting their health and wellbeing at risk is the right way to go about it. I just hope nobody decides to set himself or herself on fire. Then things will get ugly. And don't let this statement give you any ideas.
If you live in America, you have it waaaaaaay better than the rest of the world, especially the people in third world countries.
So examine thyself.
I say, let's swarm the government with letters, or bottles of tobasco sauce, if you're willing to pay for postage. I mean, if you can afford to shop at the 99 cent store, you can afford a stamp, right?
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I Can Lie Just Like You (Mainly a note on anonymity)
This is one of those “heat of the moment” blog entries, so I'm kind of angry, but I will try to keep this civil and rational.
Remember when formspring was big? Many people I knew had a formspring account, and even I had one. One distinctive feature of formspring was being able to ask people questions anonymously. Of course, in the society in which we live, people “grow balls” (pardon the expression) when they have anonymity. The person on the receiving end does not know it's you who's doing the talking, so it's not like they can track you down in person if you say something offensive or upsetting.
My formspring got attacked. I checked off the option to publish my answers to facebook, and this incited more people to go to my formspring and ask questions. People hated the fact that I would talk about my faith on there. (Remember, folks, “freedom of speech” doesn't apply to Christians. It does on the books, but it doesn't in real life, because hearing the name of Jesus really rattles people. It makes them uncomfortable. This idea of a God that loves them and died for them offends them—I don't know why. Salvation's free.)
Anyway, if you want to see the kind of questions I got, you can take a look here (scroll down for the more heated stuff):
http://www.formspring.me/nicolemarie1991
Continuing—I've had tumblr for awhile now (http://nicolemarie1991.tumblr.com (yes, I'm shamelessly plugging my blogs here)) and today I decided to uncheck the option to receive anonymous questions on there because of this “question” (it wasn't even a question):
“just want to say that u talk about how lonely u are a lot. i also know that ur intersted in a guy. constantly talking about how lonely u r is only gonna be a turn off for him.”
A few things here:
1.)Not bad, right? No cursing me out, no dissing my faith, no name calling. But...
2.)I already have an idea of who this person might be, and if they can't submit a question via their user name, that's called being a coward.
3.)This person hardly ever acknowledged me on tumblr (maybe once) and when I see them in real life, they hardly acknowledge me (if this is indeed the person who I believe think it is). So what gives them the right to randomly come out of the blue and say something like this to me now? I would understand if this were a good friend, and we were out drinking coffee, and they tactfully suggested I not broadcast my lonely disease to the world. But this person went anonymous and basically told me I can't get anyone because I am openly lonely.
4.)How do they know I like someone!? I've dropped hints here and there I guess, but I always figured this person never paid attention to me anyway.
So now on tumblr if someone wants to tell me something/ask a question, they have to use their username.
What point am I trying to make here? First, don't be anonymous. Unless you want to say something nice. If someone says something nice and they're anonymous, I'm all for it. But if you want to give advice, or even ridicule, you should use your freaking name. Be mature and own what you say.
My second point is this: if people can say the f-word, post slutty pictures, and wreak havoc on other people's lives over the internet, then why shouldn't I be able to proclaim my faith freely and talk about my loneliness? I'm not hurting anybody.
Chances are the guy I like does not even like me at all. (It feels like middle school all over again.) So whether or not me saying how lonely I am is a turn-off for him will always be a mystery to me, because I have no clue if he even pays attention to what I post online. What I will say is this: whatever guy I end up with in the future will be able to accept my honesty, and (I would hope) appreciate it. Because I don't bury my feelings—I like to have them out in the open. And I KNOW I am not the only one that feels the way I do. With me, what you see is what you get. And hey, maybe someone else who's lonely is reading what I write, and at least they know they are not alone in their loneliness (haha).
Lastly, I write about my feelings online because I can. And I hope people read what I write, and I HOPE someone actually cares. Because I only know a few people who care enough about me to actually talk to me once in awhile. I don't know why. I am a nice person (I think), I don't hold grudges, and when I'm on campus I try to say hello to everyone I know. But this has been the story of my life, this failure to connect, this inability to have staying power when it comes to people. Part of it is because I'm a commuter. Part of it is because I'm white. And part of it is because I've been damaged.
But I've also been healed, thanks to God.
Talk to my face. <3
-Nicole
P.S. For the past, I dunno, ten years, I haven't been able to say that I've had a “best friend.” I just haven't. I've had some good friends, some close friends, but I still never found a best friend.
Until my grandma and I had a conversation a few weeks ago. My grandma's been a Christian for 35 years and she is now at a point in her life where she can't start her day without praying, and she can't end it without praying, either. She doesn't see it as a chore—she genuinely loves God and wants to talk to Him (although I guess sometimes she might feel like not praying. After all, she is human). Anyway, I visited her once and we were talking about the Lord, and I remember her encouraging me to talk to Him, saying, “And remember—He's your best friend.”
After all these years, years of divorce, dealing with mental illness in my family, having ulcers, having IBS, having panic disorder and depression, going through break-ups—the only one who has stood by me this entire time is God.
So Jesus is my best friend. :)
Remember when formspring was big? Many people I knew had a formspring account, and even I had one. One distinctive feature of formspring was being able to ask people questions anonymously. Of course, in the society in which we live, people “grow balls” (pardon the expression) when they have anonymity. The person on the receiving end does not know it's you who's doing the talking, so it's not like they can track you down in person if you say something offensive or upsetting.
My formspring got attacked. I checked off the option to publish my answers to facebook, and this incited more people to go to my formspring and ask questions. People hated the fact that I would talk about my faith on there. (Remember, folks, “freedom of speech” doesn't apply to Christians. It does on the books, but it doesn't in real life, because hearing the name of Jesus really rattles people. It makes them uncomfortable. This idea of a God that loves them and died for them offends them—I don't know why. Salvation's free.)
Anyway, if you want to see the kind of questions I got, you can take a look here (scroll down for the more heated stuff):
http://www.formspring.me/nicolemarie1991
Continuing—I've had tumblr for awhile now (http://nicolemarie1991.tumblr.com (yes, I'm shamelessly plugging my blogs here)) and today I decided to uncheck the option to receive anonymous questions on there because of this “question” (it wasn't even a question):
“just want to say that u talk about how lonely u are a lot. i also know that ur intersted in a guy. constantly talking about how lonely u r is only gonna be a turn off for him.”
A few things here:
1.)Not bad, right? No cursing me out, no dissing my faith, no name calling. But...
2.)I already have an idea of who this person might be, and if they can't submit a question via their user name, that's called being a coward.
3.)This person hardly ever acknowledged me on tumblr (maybe once) and when I see them in real life, they hardly acknowledge me (if this is indeed the person who I believe think it is). So what gives them the right to randomly come out of the blue and say something like this to me now? I would understand if this were a good friend, and we were out drinking coffee, and they tactfully suggested I not broadcast my lonely disease to the world. But this person went anonymous and basically told me I can't get anyone because I am openly lonely.
4.)How do they know I like someone!? I've dropped hints here and there I guess, but I always figured this person never paid attention to me anyway.
So now on tumblr if someone wants to tell me something/ask a question, they have to use their username.
What point am I trying to make here? First, don't be anonymous. Unless you want to say something nice. If someone says something nice and they're anonymous, I'm all for it. But if you want to give advice, or even ridicule, you should use your freaking name. Be mature and own what you say.
My second point is this: if people can say the f-word, post slutty pictures, and wreak havoc on other people's lives over the internet, then why shouldn't I be able to proclaim my faith freely and talk about my loneliness? I'm not hurting anybody.
Chances are the guy I like does not even like me at all. (It feels like middle school all over again.) So whether or not me saying how lonely I am is a turn-off for him will always be a mystery to me, because I have no clue if he even pays attention to what I post online. What I will say is this: whatever guy I end up with in the future will be able to accept my honesty, and (I would hope) appreciate it. Because I don't bury my feelings—I like to have them out in the open. And I KNOW I am not the only one that feels the way I do. With me, what you see is what you get. And hey, maybe someone else who's lonely is reading what I write, and at least they know they are not alone in their loneliness (haha).
Lastly, I write about my feelings online because I can. And I hope people read what I write, and I HOPE someone actually cares. Because I only know a few people who care enough about me to actually talk to me once in awhile. I don't know why. I am a nice person (I think), I don't hold grudges, and when I'm on campus I try to say hello to everyone I know. But this has been the story of my life, this failure to connect, this inability to have staying power when it comes to people. Part of it is because I'm a commuter. Part of it is because I'm white. And part of it is because I've been damaged.
But I've also been healed, thanks to God.
Talk to my face. <3
-Nicole
P.S. For the past, I dunno, ten years, I haven't been able to say that I've had a “best friend.” I just haven't. I've had some good friends, some close friends, but I still never found a best friend.
Until my grandma and I had a conversation a few weeks ago. My grandma's been a Christian for 35 years and she is now at a point in her life where she can't start her day without praying, and she can't end it without praying, either. She doesn't see it as a chore—she genuinely loves God and wants to talk to Him (although I guess sometimes she might feel like not praying. After all, she is human). Anyway, I visited her once and we were talking about the Lord, and I remember her encouraging me to talk to Him, saying, “And remember—He's your best friend.”
After all these years, years of divorce, dealing with mental illness in my family, having ulcers, having IBS, having panic disorder and depression, going through break-ups—the only one who has stood by me this entire time is God.
So Jesus is my best friend. :)
Friday, November 25, 2011
Why I Do What I Do
This one's bound to be a real eye-opener.
So, as some of you know, I enjoy making videos. I also take quite a few pictures here and there and I really like to write. You may wonder, though, why I enjoy doing these things—especially since I'm posting them online where people can see.
When I was little, I spent a lot of my childhood playing by myself. I have one sibling—my sister who is six years older—but she was often busy doing homework. Since she has a visual processing problem, she had difficulty with reading comprehension, so my mom would sit with her for hours at the dining room table doing homework.
My dad—back when he was living with us—rented out an office for his ministry duties. Even though he's a pastor, he never had a church office because he always rented buildings. He mostly preferred not to do his pastor stuff at home, so he would go to his office around 10 or 11 in the morning, and come back around 4:30 in the afternoon. He would spend some quality time with me, but after about 45 minutes he would reach for the phone and say, “Okay, Daddy has to make a phone call now.”
We weren't ones for spontaneity. I had friends at school but if they were to come over my mom wanted it planned in advance. Back then, my parents did not have the “come over anytime” mindset.
Thank God I had a good imagination. Like many kids, I pretended my toys could talk, and I would talk to them. Sometimes, I would dress up, putting on a slip over my sweatsuit, and sing about my life as a princess about to be sent off to an evil scientist's lab (admittedly, my imagination was a bit twisted, but I'm sure that doesn't shock you).
I never fit in at school—not then, and not so much now, either, I feel. (Though in college you can always find like-minded people to hang out with. Popularity doesn't seem to matter as much). The beauty of public school is that it's big enough to have a diverse population of various personalities. I had friends, but I did not fit in.
My public school days ended in 2002, because PS 14 only went up to 5th grade. My social status became even lower when I got into my middle school years, because I went to a small school and I was “smart” and I had glasses and braces and acne and frizzy hair and people were just jealous I knew how to answer an essay question and they didn't.
Oh, and I was fairly flat-chested.
My creativity bloomed during these tumultuous years, however, and I wrote a play when I was 12 and kept a journal about my classmates when I was 13.
High school was rough because of my home life—by this point my parents were getting their divorce finalized and my dad's mental health (as well as his ministry) started taking a dive. I did join the Creative Writing Club at my school, though, and I contributed to the Literary Magazine. I even did some singing in the choir as well as solo performances.
By now you're probably wondering what the heck any of this has to do with my blogging/video editing/picture taking. I'm getting to it.
Now that I am in college, and I have lived two decades, I can look back with gratitude that despite all that has happened—and I only gave you the tip of the iceberg—God has kept his protective hand over my life. Many people in my situation would have ended up doing something drastic—but I had a praying mom, and God would not give up on me.
Being a commuter to my college has been, in short, somewhat painful. On the one hand, I get to stay home where I can eat good food, share a bathroom with only my mom and my sister, and have my laundry done once a week when my mom goes to the laundromat. However, there is a major sense of isolation. I cannot tell you how many times I've gone on Facebook and seen pictures of my friends having a good time without me—and how sad it makes me feel. How alone. Then I start to wonder, “Why didn't anyone let me know they were celebrating so-and-so's birthday?” or “Even though they all got drunk, I still wish I was there to take embarrassing pictures” or “I love playing (insert game here)! I never get to play it! I wish I had known they were going to get together and play (name of game).” Simple little things, I know.
So, what does one do to interact with others when they're alone in their room?
I write blog entries in hope that someone actually does care enough to read. I rarely get any actual comments, but I like to think that someone I know read the entry and understands how I feel (I know I do get occasional readers because I check my stats).
I make videos because I am bored. I also want to showcase my snarky sense of humor and replicate the feeling of actually talking to someone. In short, the camera keeps me company. Except the camera is just a symbol for all of you lovely folks out there who are watching me. Or not.
I post videos of me singing my songs on facebook because I just want to share my music. Maybe my heartfelt lyrics have helped someone. Maybe someone out there saw another side of me. Whatever.
My picture-taking habit goes back a few years. Given the amount of unpleasant memories I have, I want to make good memories, and I like being able to capture these moments with my camera (this is also the same reason why I like to record videos, randomly).
Some of you probably see me as an attention-whore who is seeking approval, especially since I am one of the many girls who is estranged from her father. This may be partially true, but it's not always the reason why I make stuff and post it online. And even when it is the reason, it's only partially the reason.
So anyway, yes, I'm lonely and I'm constantly trying to connect.
I'll speak for anyone who will listen.
I'm just waiting for someone to remember I exist.
(In all fairness, I give props to my friend Caleb, who says hi to me everyday on facebook chat. But the rest of you don't chat with me at all, unless I chat with you first, which gets tiring after awhile. So yeah.)
So, as some of you know, I enjoy making videos. I also take quite a few pictures here and there and I really like to write. You may wonder, though, why I enjoy doing these things—especially since I'm posting them online where people can see.
When I was little, I spent a lot of my childhood playing by myself. I have one sibling—my sister who is six years older—but she was often busy doing homework. Since she has a visual processing problem, she had difficulty with reading comprehension, so my mom would sit with her for hours at the dining room table doing homework.
My dad—back when he was living with us—rented out an office for his ministry duties. Even though he's a pastor, he never had a church office because he always rented buildings. He mostly preferred not to do his pastor stuff at home, so he would go to his office around 10 or 11 in the morning, and come back around 4:30 in the afternoon. He would spend some quality time with me, but after about 45 minutes he would reach for the phone and say, “Okay, Daddy has to make a phone call now.”
We weren't ones for spontaneity. I had friends at school but if they were to come over my mom wanted it planned in advance. Back then, my parents did not have the “come over anytime” mindset.
Thank God I had a good imagination. Like many kids, I pretended my toys could talk, and I would talk to them. Sometimes, I would dress up, putting on a slip over my sweatsuit, and sing about my life as a princess about to be sent off to an evil scientist's lab (admittedly, my imagination was a bit twisted, but I'm sure that doesn't shock you).
I never fit in at school—not then, and not so much now, either, I feel. (Though in college you can always find like-minded people to hang out with. Popularity doesn't seem to matter as much). The beauty of public school is that it's big enough to have a diverse population of various personalities. I had friends, but I did not fit in.
My public school days ended in 2002, because PS 14 only went up to 5th grade. My social status became even lower when I got into my middle school years, because I went to a small school and I was “smart” and I had glasses and braces and acne and frizzy hair and people were just jealous I knew how to answer an essay question and they didn't.
Oh, and I was fairly flat-chested.
My creativity bloomed during these tumultuous years, however, and I wrote a play when I was 12 and kept a journal about my classmates when I was 13.
High school was rough because of my home life—by this point my parents were getting their divorce finalized and my dad's mental health (as well as his ministry) started taking a dive. I did join the Creative Writing Club at my school, though, and I contributed to the Literary Magazine. I even did some singing in the choir as well as solo performances.
By now you're probably wondering what the heck any of this has to do with my blogging/video editing/picture taking. I'm getting to it.
Now that I am in college, and I have lived two decades, I can look back with gratitude that despite all that has happened—and I only gave you the tip of the iceberg—God has kept his protective hand over my life. Many people in my situation would have ended up doing something drastic—but I had a praying mom, and God would not give up on me.
Being a commuter to my college has been, in short, somewhat painful. On the one hand, I get to stay home where I can eat good food, share a bathroom with only my mom and my sister, and have my laundry done once a week when my mom goes to the laundromat. However, there is a major sense of isolation. I cannot tell you how many times I've gone on Facebook and seen pictures of my friends having a good time without me—and how sad it makes me feel. How alone. Then I start to wonder, “Why didn't anyone let me know they were celebrating so-and-so's birthday?” or “Even though they all got drunk, I still wish I was there to take embarrassing pictures” or “I love playing (insert game here)! I never get to play it! I wish I had known they were going to get together and play (name of game).” Simple little things, I know.
So, what does one do to interact with others when they're alone in their room?
I write blog entries in hope that someone actually does care enough to read. I rarely get any actual comments, but I like to think that someone I know read the entry and understands how I feel (I know I do get occasional readers because I check my stats).
I make videos because I am bored. I also want to showcase my snarky sense of humor and replicate the feeling of actually talking to someone. In short, the camera keeps me company. Except the camera is just a symbol for all of you lovely folks out there who are watching me. Or not.
I post videos of me singing my songs on facebook because I just want to share my music. Maybe my heartfelt lyrics have helped someone. Maybe someone out there saw another side of me. Whatever.
My picture-taking habit goes back a few years. Given the amount of unpleasant memories I have, I want to make good memories, and I like being able to capture these moments with my camera (this is also the same reason why I like to record videos, randomly).
Some of you probably see me as an attention-whore who is seeking approval, especially since I am one of the many girls who is estranged from her father. This may be partially true, but it's not always the reason why I make stuff and post it online. And even when it is the reason, it's only partially the reason.
So anyway, yes, I'm lonely and I'm constantly trying to connect.
I'll speak for anyone who will listen.
I'm just waiting for someone to remember I exist.
(In all fairness, I give props to my friend Caleb, who says hi to me everyday on facebook chat. But the rest of you don't chat with me at all, unless I chat with you first, which gets tiring after awhile. So yeah.)
Thursday, October 13, 2011
"I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!"
You've probably seen the commercial--or at least you've heard the phrase that became a piece of minor pop cultural humor.
Anyway, if you haven't seen the commercial, here it is:
If you can get past the "strawng" Brooklyn accent, the line "I've fallen and I can't get up" might make you feel pretty sad.
Or maybe that's just me.
Both my grandmothers live alone, and both of them have had their fair share of falls from time to time. They both now have the Life Alert system, partially because my aunts and uncles insisted they have it.
I do not know why, but the image of an old woman on the floor being unable to get up really saddens me. I guess it's partly because I think of my grandmothers. It's also because maybe I'm scared that will be me one day--sprawled out on a floor, alone, feeling hurt and unable to call for help.
The line can also have underlying spiritual implications. Obviously, the advertisers did not intend for that. How often, though, have we fallen in life and felt like we can't get up? Either because of a lost job, or the death of a loved one, or facing a tough physical illness, or even--especially--after we make a big mistake.
I'm not going to lie--I'm at a pretty low point in my life right now. Not too low--I know I've had much lower points in the past. But right now, I feel a little lost and a little down. This semester has been tougher than the last one in terms of workload. I don't get to see my friends on campus much these days because of time, work, and schedule constraints. The dynamics at home between my mom, sister, and I are not bad but could be better. There seems to be some sort of fog that we're in--morale is not high, that's for sure. My stomach, thank God, has been doing a lot better--but now I'm eating more and gaining weight. In fact, I pig out on junk food almost every night before I go to sleep. I don't have an eating disorder--it's just that for 4 years I was too sick to do this kind of thing, and I guess now I'm going overboard with satisfying my cravings. I'm single, still, of course, and this has been an issue I think about every day. It doesn't have to be an issue. I'm just lonely and I crave to be held. By a guy. I've made plenty of mistakes, and lately I feel like I'm barely a Christian :( even though I still am.
I think all of this can be resolved simply--I need to read the Bible and pray everyday. I've been feeling restless and looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places, but in the end, only God can help me and fill that void I've been feeling in my life.
I often get scared that I've fallen too far and I can't get up--but it's not true! I can still cry out to God and ask Him to lift me up.
My dad had this saying years ago--"Those who don't ask, don't receive." If you're like me, and you're wondering why God hasn't been doing anything in your life, then
A) realize that even though you can't see/feel it right now, God is still moving
and
B) don't blame God for not helping you if you haven't even asked for His help!
Anyway, that's all i have to say about this. I need to go read my Bible and pray...
<3 Nicole
Anyway, if you haven't seen the commercial, here it is:
If you can get past the "strawng" Brooklyn accent, the line "I've fallen and I can't get up" might make you feel pretty sad.
Or maybe that's just me.
Both my grandmothers live alone, and both of them have had their fair share of falls from time to time. They both now have the Life Alert system, partially because my aunts and uncles insisted they have it.
I do not know why, but the image of an old woman on the floor being unable to get up really saddens me. I guess it's partly because I think of my grandmothers. It's also because maybe I'm scared that will be me one day--sprawled out on a floor, alone, feeling hurt and unable to call for help.
The line can also have underlying spiritual implications. Obviously, the advertisers did not intend for that. How often, though, have we fallen in life and felt like we can't get up? Either because of a lost job, or the death of a loved one, or facing a tough physical illness, or even--especially--after we make a big mistake.
I'm not going to lie--I'm at a pretty low point in my life right now. Not too low--I know I've had much lower points in the past. But right now, I feel a little lost and a little down. This semester has been tougher than the last one in terms of workload. I don't get to see my friends on campus much these days because of time, work, and schedule constraints. The dynamics at home between my mom, sister, and I are not bad but could be better. There seems to be some sort of fog that we're in--morale is not high, that's for sure. My stomach, thank God, has been doing a lot better--but now I'm eating more and gaining weight. In fact, I pig out on junk food almost every night before I go to sleep. I don't have an eating disorder--it's just that for 4 years I was too sick to do this kind of thing, and I guess now I'm going overboard with satisfying my cravings. I'm single, still, of course, and this has been an issue I think about every day. It doesn't have to be an issue. I'm just lonely and I crave to be held. By a guy. I've made plenty of mistakes, and lately I feel like I'm barely a Christian :( even though I still am.
I think all of this can be resolved simply--I need to read the Bible and pray everyday. I've been feeling restless and looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places, but in the end, only God can help me and fill that void I've been feeling in my life.
I often get scared that I've fallen too far and I can't get up--but it's not true! I can still cry out to God and ask Him to lift me up.
My dad had this saying years ago--"Those who don't ask, don't receive." If you're like me, and you're wondering why God hasn't been doing anything in your life, then
A) realize that even though you can't see/feel it right now, God is still moving
and
B) don't blame God for not helping you if you haven't even asked for His help!
Anyway, that's all i have to say about this. I need to go read my Bible and pray...
<3 Nicole
Friday, September 30, 2011
My Name is Nicole Vacca, and I Endorse These Products
Within the past year of my life, I've been through some pretty tough things--ulcers, IBS, panic disorder, and the wonderful side effects that come with taking meds. Throughout these minor hardships, however, I developed an appreciation for products I would have otherwise never used.
1. G2 Gatorade--There are 2 types of IBS. I happen to have the one that does NOT cause constipation, if you get my drift. So, in the fall of my sophomore year, I started drinking gatorade. Quite frequently, I might add. I had a fear of dehydration. I also felt thirsty all the time because ulcers apparently cause thirst. In the spring of my sophomore year, my body started getting better but my mind snapped, and I got panic disorder. It was a long time coming, you could say. There are 2 types of panic attacks--high blood pressure, when you feel really hot; and low blood pressure, when you feel cold and you feel like passing out. I usually get low blood pressure panic attacks, so nothing was more comforting during a panic attack than guzzling gatorade like a pickup truck guzzles gas. Once I started taking meds, I found out that one of the medications caused the side effect of slightly lower blood pressure. So again, gatorade came in handy. I recommend G2 as the artificial sweeteners are easier on the stomach--and for some odd reason, the G2 flavors just taste better.
2. Biotene gum--one of the joys of being on meds is the side effect of DRY MOUTH. Dry mouth can make eating plain tortilla chips feel like pouring hot coals into your mouth. Sure, drinking water helps. But another issue that comes with dry mouth is that it makes you more susceptible to cavities. So I chew Biotene gum, which is made specifically for people with dry mouth and it won't burn your mouth when you chew it--unlike other sugarless gums like Dentyne Ice. Also, Biotene is made with Xylitol, which is often found in some other sugarless gums, like Trident and Orbit.
3. Corn pops--When the IBS was bad, I had to really watch what I ate. Eating more than one forbidden food in a day could trigger a flare-up--and I didn't bounce back quickly from flare-ups. Of course, I craved the foods I shouldn't eat, such as cheese puffs and sweets. One day, i decided on a whim to try corn pops, as a nutritionist recommended I try snacking on dry cereal. I actually really liked them! It helped take the edge off the cravings, and I kept a box of them in my room next to my bed.
4. Essential Elements Lavendar and Cedarwood candle--in my family I was notorious for hating scented candles. There always seemed to be an abundance of them, and my mom frequently received them as gifts. I would always say, "Nothing says 'I didn't know what to get you' like a scented candle!" I ended up eating my own words, though, because I decided to buy this candle during a shopping spree at CVS. (Yeah, I like to shop at CVS.) When I would get an IBS flare-up, it would stress me out emotionally (getting sick a lot takes a toll on you after awhile, you know). So sometimes I would retreat to my room, turn on my Dr. Scholls electric foot massager, light this candle, and read Seventeen magazine. (Yep, I'm a real woman now, haha). I love the scent of this candle--the cedarwood adds a nice edge to the lavender.
5. Acidophilus--I saved this one for last. I have not had an IBS flare-up since last August (praise God). The last time I saw the GI (gastrointerologist, not GI Joe), one of his assistants recommended I start taking Acidophilus to help combat the flare-ups. I remember I had taken Acidophilus last year before I knew I had the ulcers, so it didn't help much during that time. However, I was willing to give it a second chance. I'm glad I did, because it really helped. Acidophilus is a natural probiotic that can be bought in your local drugstore. Plenty of brands manufacture it but I recommend the PharmAssure brand. I take it once a day after breakfast, as that is enough for me (although the instructions indicate that you can take it more than once a day).
5yN(BOGl6Z)JW!~~_35.JPG)
*bonus recommendations:
Gentle Iron by Solgar--the ulcers led to me becoming anemic, so I had to start taking iron. Gentle Iron is non-constipating. Yay.
InTouch Magazine (the Dr. Charles Stanley one, not the tabloid)--you can subscribe to this and have it mailed to you for free at:
https://store.intouch.org/p-3992-in-touch-magazine.aspx
Anyway, when I was sick (both physically and mentally) I had a lot of ups and downs in my relationship with God--I felt hopeless, angry, confused, and despaired. Yet I cannot tell you how many times my mom would read InTouch, and she'd find a devotion in there that related to what I was going through at that time. It really encouraged me to keep pressing forward and not give up.
God bless and goodnight. <3
-Nicole-
1. G2 Gatorade--There are 2 types of IBS. I happen to have the one that does NOT cause constipation, if you get my drift. So, in the fall of my sophomore year, I started drinking gatorade. Quite frequently, I might add. I had a fear of dehydration. I also felt thirsty all the time because ulcers apparently cause thirst. In the spring of my sophomore year, my body started getting better but my mind snapped, and I got panic disorder. It was a long time coming, you could say. There are 2 types of panic attacks--high blood pressure, when you feel really hot; and low blood pressure, when you feel cold and you feel like passing out. I usually get low blood pressure panic attacks, so nothing was more comforting during a panic attack than guzzling gatorade like a pickup truck guzzles gas. Once I started taking meds, I found out that one of the medications caused the side effect of slightly lower blood pressure. So again, gatorade came in handy. I recommend G2 as the artificial sweeteners are easier on the stomach--and for some odd reason, the G2 flavors just taste better.
2. Biotene gum--one of the joys of being on meds is the side effect of DRY MOUTH. Dry mouth can make eating plain tortilla chips feel like pouring hot coals into your mouth. Sure, drinking water helps. But another issue that comes with dry mouth is that it makes you more susceptible to cavities. So I chew Biotene gum, which is made specifically for people with dry mouth and it won't burn your mouth when you chew it--unlike other sugarless gums like Dentyne Ice. Also, Biotene is made with Xylitol, which is often found in some other sugarless gums, like Trident and Orbit.
3. Corn pops--When the IBS was bad, I had to really watch what I ate. Eating more than one forbidden food in a day could trigger a flare-up--and I didn't bounce back quickly from flare-ups. Of course, I craved the foods I shouldn't eat, such as cheese puffs and sweets. One day, i decided on a whim to try corn pops, as a nutritionist recommended I try snacking on dry cereal. I actually really liked them! It helped take the edge off the cravings, and I kept a box of them in my room next to my bed.
4. Essential Elements Lavendar and Cedarwood candle--in my family I was notorious for hating scented candles. There always seemed to be an abundance of them, and my mom frequently received them as gifts. I would always say, "Nothing says 'I didn't know what to get you' like a scented candle!" I ended up eating my own words, though, because I decided to buy this candle during a shopping spree at CVS. (Yeah, I like to shop at CVS.) When I would get an IBS flare-up, it would stress me out emotionally (getting sick a lot takes a toll on you after awhile, you know). So sometimes I would retreat to my room, turn on my Dr. Scholls electric foot massager, light this candle, and read Seventeen magazine. (Yep, I'm a real woman now, haha). I love the scent of this candle--the cedarwood adds a nice edge to the lavender.
5. Acidophilus--I saved this one for last. I have not had an IBS flare-up since last August (praise God). The last time I saw the GI (gastrointerologist, not GI Joe), one of his assistants recommended I start taking Acidophilus to help combat the flare-ups. I remember I had taken Acidophilus last year before I knew I had the ulcers, so it didn't help much during that time. However, I was willing to give it a second chance. I'm glad I did, because it really helped. Acidophilus is a natural probiotic that can be bought in your local drugstore. Plenty of brands manufacture it but I recommend the PharmAssure brand. I take it once a day after breakfast, as that is enough for me (although the instructions indicate that you can take it more than once a day).
*bonus recommendations:
Gentle Iron by Solgar--the ulcers led to me becoming anemic, so I had to start taking iron. Gentle Iron is non-constipating. Yay.
InTouch Magazine (the Dr. Charles Stanley one, not the tabloid)--you can subscribe to this and have it mailed to you for free at:
https://store.intouch.org/p-3992-in-touch-magazine.aspx
Anyway, when I was sick (both physically and mentally) I had a lot of ups and downs in my relationship with God--I felt hopeless, angry, confused, and despaired. Yet I cannot tell you how many times my mom would read InTouch, and she'd find a devotion in there that related to what I was going through at that time. It really encouraged me to keep pressing forward and not give up.
God bless and goodnight. <3
-Nicole-
Friday, September 16, 2011
Being Single: The Harsh Dichotomy of Liberty and Loneliness
I have not written an entry in a long time, and I have ideas for a college-themed entry or two, but for now I just want to talk about this.
So as some of you already know, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me on March 12, 2011. That was after a relationship that lasted 2 years, 8 month, and a day. It has now been 5 months and 4 days since that breakup. And even though I felt liberated and happy in the beginning, it didn't take long before loneliness crept in.
When I was dating my ex, I would tell my single friends who would complain, "be happy when you're single, be happy when you're in a relationship. There's cons and pros to both. And there are days when i wish I was single again!"
So, now that I've been single for less than half a year, I will delve into the cons and pros of being single--and what that means for the general population. I don't have all the answers, I'm not an expert, I'm just a single, Christian, 20-year-old girl who lives life. And life is never easy.
Pros to being single:
1. LIBERTAD!--the day of the break-up, I felt surprisingly happy. Almost too happy. Like, I was taking it a little too well. That day, I got rid of the pictures, threw out my half mizpah necklace, and threw out the manila envelope full of movie stubs, short stories, cards, letters--basically, scrapbook materials that I was going to use for the day X and I would get married. Why was I so happy? Why did I let go so quickly? Well, I kind of saw it coming. No one else did. But I knew X well enough to know that when he has barely talked to you in 2 weeks, something is up. So when I called him that saturday morning, I sort of braced myself. And the thing is, I myself was feeling distanced from him. So when he said, "I'm not in love anymore," my initial thought was probably, "yeah, I've kind of felt the same way." If he hadn't broken up with me, I don't know how much longer I would have hung in there. But I was definitely getting bored with him. And the distance didn't help, because we couldn't be there for each other during hard times. (also, with long distance relationships, the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality can creep up and you can end up liking other people who are close by and you might feel closer to them than you do with your boyfriend.) Anyway, I knew love was a choice, and that when you get married, you're not going to feel passionately in love every single day. You're going to have mundane times, good and bad seasons, and so on. So I probably would have tried to make it work. But I still felt bored, annoyed, and distanced. The day of the breakup, I ironed my hair, dressed up pretty, grabbed my leather jacket and went to Barnes and Noble with my mom. That's where I first met X (he doesn't work there anymore).
Going back to the main point, yes, with being single there's this refreshing sense of freedom, independence, and having large hypothetical fields to run around in. You don't have to answer to a significant other. You can like a million guys at once and no one has to know. You can be subtly flirtatious without worrying about coming across as a cheater. There's suddenly more artistic inspiration. You feel a sense of adventure, and excitement for what's next. There are suddenly more possibilities in life. Which brings me to my next point.
2. Free time!--Relationships can be draining on many levels, but one aspect that is definitely drained is TIME. Typing a paper? Webcam with your boyfriend! Going to sleep? Don't count sheep, count the text messages clogging up your inbox. Three day weekend? Your boyfriend gets a 3 day vacation in your borough! (He moved to Long Island to live with his mom and step-dad after he graduated high school. His grandparents live in the Bronx, however). Better learn to settle for a B- paper, because that's all you'll get to type during his visit.
And then, once I was single again--voila! All this free time. I almost didn't know what to do with myself (facebook! movies! seeing other friends!). But yeah, when you're single you can focus more on other things--like school work, regular work, house work...oh, and other hobbies.
3. Creative inspiration!--what's more inspiring than a breakup? After the breakup, I switched my major from English to Communication. I wrote more song lyrics. I started making lyrics videos and posting them on my youtube channel. I could have done more writing, but yeah, I wrote! When I was in the relationship, there was a dearth of creativity, both for X and for me. I'm not saying relationships can't spark creativity, but if your life is becoming blah, the blah tends to bleed into everything else.
4. Work on your other relationships!--the most important one being my relationship with God. I can't tell you how many nights I was up late talking to X and yet I spent barely a minute talking to God the entire day. That shouldn't be. That's borderline idolatry. Heck, that is idolatry. X was more important to me than God was. Anything that replaces God in your heart is going to become an idol--anything that takes up too much of your time and attention and adoration.
Aside from that, hanging out with X was more important to me than hanging out with friends. I would ditch youth group to spend more alone-time with X. If X visited that weekend, I didn't hang out with any friends, just X. I spent most of my online time talking to X. The only person I bothered calling on the phone most of the time was X. Guess who I texted the most? X.
So after the breakup, I had to approach my friends and be like, "Um, hi, guys..."
I've learned, though, that in a relationship, MAKE SURE YOU STILL MAINTAIN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS. Don't put all your eggs in one basket--because if that basket tips over, you're screwed. Thankfully, I managed to stay on decent terms with my friends, so the only change was that I hung out with them more. Somewhat.
Of course, family relationships are important, too. I think if the relationship wasn't long distance, and X still lived in the Bronx, I probably would have spent less time with my family and more time with him. That didn't happen, though.
So now that I'm single, I've been focusing on my friendships more and just enjoying the single life--because once you're married, you're not going to be single. For the rest of your life.
Cons to being single:
1. Jealousy--Before X and I broke up, I was somewhat oblivious to the other relationships around me. Sometimes I would get jealous--"Oh, I wish our relationship was more like their relationship." "Oh, I wish we got to do the kind of things so-and-so and such-and-such get to do together." A few days after the breakup, though, one of my friends got engaged. And then a coincidental engagement trend began, and that one friend is now married and I know at least 4 other people who are engaged. 'Tis the age, I guess. After all, I am 20. Gosh, I'm 20. I might as well be a spinster by this point. (Just kidding.)
Nowadays I try to be happy for other people. But a few weeks ago I was chatting online with a guy friend of mine, and he was describing to me this wonderful date he just had with his girlfriend. He took her to a Michelin-rated, 3-star restaurant. They had a 3 course meal. They dressed up all nice. The place was so romantic. It was a night he'd never forget.
And hey, the guy had been single for quite a while before he and this girl got together, so I tried to show happiness for him and I tried to understand his excitement. But at the same time, I was screaming in my head
"SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was like, why is he telling me all this? I don't want to hear about all the great stuff he gets to do while I'm stuck at home, alone in my room, attempting to focus on my homework. My mom's a great cook, but no, we don't eat chateaubriand in this house. To top it off, X never took me to a place THAT fancy.
But then I remembered: Oh, going to a fancy restaurant is not love. No, love is holding the bucket while your beloved is vomiting. Love is respecting their time constraints when they have several papers due in one week. Love is choosing to wait until marriage for sex, instead of getting your instant gratification now with the option of leaving them later.
Only time will tell for that couple...but getting back to my situation, yes, it's easier now for me to get jealous or envious.
2. Loneliness--cue the Christina Perri song "The Lonely." Or Roy Orbison's song "Only the Lonely." Or...you get the picture.
One time I was walking in Central Park with my mom, and we kept seeing couples. Like, we probably saw 4 or 5 couples as we were walking out. They were holding hands usually. Or sitting on a bench, talking. And I turned to my divorced mom and gave her a look like, "Psh, love. Whatever."
The big thing I noticed since the breakup up is that I don't miss X, I just miss being in a relationship. Having that someone to talk to and hold hands with. To go places with, and share new experiences with, and talk to when I'm upset. And sure, I can always talk to a friend or to my mom when I'm upset. But there's a certain reassurance that comes from talking to your significant other that no one else can give.
There's a certain sense of isolation I feel. Sure, I have friends. I have family. Most importantly, I have God. And yet, this icky, lonely feeling sometimes just takes over.
3. Going stag--This is a minor thing, but it's still something I've noticed. Any special occasion that comes up--any wedding, any dance--I'll be going stag. When I was at my cousin Vito's wedding last August, I felt bad when slow songs would come on and I had no one to dance with. My sister, of course, mentioned several times before the wedding, "Well, Picky, looks like we're going to be going solo." Yes, Izzo, I KNOW.
4. Physical deprivation--Before multiple people get on my case here, let me clarify something--I'M NOT REFERRING TO SEX. Get it? Got it? Good.
There's just something nice about holding hands with someone you love. Or sharing a sweet kiss. Or getting an extended hug. Which leads me to the fact that I am a statistic.
"A statistic of what, Nicole? You're not pregnant!"
Ok, I don't know if there are any formal stats for this, but I am a member of the overwhelmingly large group of girls who are estranged from their dad. Some have lost their dad to death. Some to divorce. Some to workaholism. I lost my dad to mental illness. And the Daddy I had when I was a little girl doesn't exist anymore. And often times, teen moms don't have a dad. Or, their dad lives with them but doesn't have a good relationship with them.
Why is that? Because all these girls wanted was love, someone to hold them, someone to tell them it would all be okay. They ended up with guys who took advantage of their vulnerability, used them for sex, and got them pregnant.
Ok, so maybe not all those boyfriends were intentionally taking advantage of their girlfriends' situation. But sadly, this is the way society is.
My dad left when I was 12, and was in and out of my life for awhile. You know those sweet moments when your dad gives you a nice big hug, or you'll be crying and he will put his arm around you? Yeah--I don't get that. And it's tough. And sure, my mom could put her arm around me if I'm upset but it just feels awkward. I'm generally not a touchy/feely kind of person. I don't like people playing with my hair, rubbing my arm, sitting close to me in a vehicle--unless they're my boyfriend. That's just how I am.
So sometimes I feel sad that I have no one to hold me. And I sometimes observe the guy-girl interactions in my youth group, and even people who are "just friends" give big hugs or put their arms around each other. Me? I have no one. I am virtually untouched, with the exception of kissing people hello or giving them the quick, awkward hug. When I visit my dad, we give each other a one-armed hug hello and kiss the air next to each others' cheeks. Gosh, this reminds me of Natalie Wood's relationship with her dad in the movie "Rebel Without a Cause." (Otherwise known as "Movie Without a Plot.")
5. The void--This could go back to loneliness/physical deprivation, but it's also something else entirely. After my parents got divorced, my mom felt from time to time that she missed having a husband. Which, of course, is natural. When I was little, my family would eat breakfast together on Saturday mornings, and then my dad would shoo Izzo and I out of the dining room so he could spend some time talking to mom while he finished his coffee. Now, my mom doesn't have that experience. On saturdays, she sits with Izzo and I for breakfast and then we chit chat about various topics and then we swallow our pills and start the day. Anytime we had to drive far, it was usually for a family function. And my dad would drive there, not my mom. So, my mom doesn't drive on the highway, and we're basically stranded in the Bronx, reliant on others' kindness to take us to my aunt's house in Long Island or my relatives' houses in Westchester. My mom misses having my dad in the driver seat while she sat beside him. And there's plenty more that she misses.
God saw Adam and said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helpmate for him." The story of Adam and Eve is one I think about often. Is it possible to live single for your entire life? Sure. But it's also lonely. And God can totally fill our voids--but the way I see it, it's still not the same as having someone physically there. Marriage is more than procreation. When your child gets married one day, you will be alone with your spouse. Until one of you dies. Unless you are like the couple in "The Notebook" and you die at the same time. Or unless the rapture happens before then. Then you don't have to worry about dying.
The point is, we are designed for companionship. "No man is an island." We need family and friends--and most of us feel the need for a significant other.
6. Perception change--I have to make sure every day that I don't look like crap--because I never know who I'm going to meet. When I was dating X, my appearance in school didn't matter as much, because he wasn't there and I didn't feel the need to impress anybody. I wasn't a slob--but I wasn't a fashion plate either.
Every time I go to a Christian event, I keep my eyes peeled for the guys in the room. Mentally, I size them up. And no, I haven't met anyone yet. Nobody totally "blows me away." No one has the full package I'm looking for.
One of the more recent blog entries I wrote was "The Standards for the Next Guy." Do I sound picky? Yeah, I do. Is there a guy out there who can possibly fit those standards?
Yes, there is. Believe it or not. Oh, if only I went to Valley Forge Christian College or Southeastern University, like some of my friends opted to. They're surrounded by Jesus fish. There are plenty of fish in their sea. Me? I don't even have a sea. I have a stagnant puddle in New York. The pickings are slim, and frankly, no one is very compatible with me. And no one seems to be looking to fish me out either, save for maybe 1.
My sister used to envy me when I was dating X. She's been single much longer than I have. She had her first boyfriend when she was 16. They broke up when she was 17. She's been single since then and is now 26.
I DON'T WANT THAT TO BE ME.
"Oh, but Nicole, why don't you just, you know, open an account on Christianmingle.com?"
I want to meet this guy in person. I do not want to "use a mouse to find a spouse," as Jeanne Mayo would put it. If 5 years have passed and I start to feel REALLY desperate, THEN I'll resort to the online dating site.
So yeah, at least now I have more empathy for my sister. But being in the same boat makes me scared. That could very well happen to me, and I feel like time is running out, the end of the world is nearer now more than ever, and I have to hurry up and get married and lose my virginity before the world ends!
"But if losing your virginity is that important to you, why don't you just, you know, go ahead and do it?"
I want to wait until I'm married. And also, I want to know what the heck I'm waiting for. I pledged to be abstinent until I'm married, and I want to reap the reward of waiting. I mean, should the world end before I have a chance to get married, I shouldn't get upset and juvenile and whatever. An eternity in God's presence is far more greater than anything on this planet, including sex. But my gosh, right now, I'm just a frustrated virgin. Proud, but unhappy.
Okay, thanks, bye.
So as some of you already know, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me on March 12, 2011. That was after a relationship that lasted 2 years, 8 month, and a day. It has now been 5 months and 4 days since that breakup. And even though I felt liberated and happy in the beginning, it didn't take long before loneliness crept in.
When I was dating my ex, I would tell my single friends who would complain, "be happy when you're single, be happy when you're in a relationship. There's cons and pros to both. And there are days when i wish I was single again!"
So, now that I've been single for less than half a year, I will delve into the cons and pros of being single--and what that means for the general population. I don't have all the answers, I'm not an expert, I'm just a single, Christian, 20-year-old girl who lives life. And life is never easy.
Pros to being single:
1. LIBERTAD!--the day of the break-up, I felt surprisingly happy. Almost too happy. Like, I was taking it a little too well. That day, I got rid of the pictures, threw out my half mizpah necklace, and threw out the manila envelope full of movie stubs, short stories, cards, letters--basically, scrapbook materials that I was going to use for the day X and I would get married. Why was I so happy? Why did I let go so quickly? Well, I kind of saw it coming. No one else did. But I knew X well enough to know that when he has barely talked to you in 2 weeks, something is up. So when I called him that saturday morning, I sort of braced myself. And the thing is, I myself was feeling distanced from him. So when he said, "I'm not in love anymore," my initial thought was probably, "yeah, I've kind of felt the same way." If he hadn't broken up with me, I don't know how much longer I would have hung in there. But I was definitely getting bored with him. And the distance didn't help, because we couldn't be there for each other during hard times. (also, with long distance relationships, the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality can creep up and you can end up liking other people who are close by and you might feel closer to them than you do with your boyfriend.) Anyway, I knew love was a choice, and that when you get married, you're not going to feel passionately in love every single day. You're going to have mundane times, good and bad seasons, and so on. So I probably would have tried to make it work. But I still felt bored, annoyed, and distanced. The day of the breakup, I ironed my hair, dressed up pretty, grabbed my leather jacket and went to Barnes and Noble with my mom. That's where I first met X (he doesn't work there anymore).
Going back to the main point, yes, with being single there's this refreshing sense of freedom, independence, and having large hypothetical fields to run around in. You don't have to answer to a significant other. You can like a million guys at once and no one has to know. You can be subtly flirtatious without worrying about coming across as a cheater. There's suddenly more artistic inspiration. You feel a sense of adventure, and excitement for what's next. There are suddenly more possibilities in life. Which brings me to my next point.
2. Free time!--Relationships can be draining on many levels, but one aspect that is definitely drained is TIME. Typing a paper? Webcam with your boyfriend! Going to sleep? Don't count sheep, count the text messages clogging up your inbox. Three day weekend? Your boyfriend gets a 3 day vacation in your borough! (He moved to Long Island to live with his mom and step-dad after he graduated high school. His grandparents live in the Bronx, however). Better learn to settle for a B- paper, because that's all you'll get to type during his visit.
And then, once I was single again--voila! All this free time. I almost didn't know what to do with myself (facebook! movies! seeing other friends!). But yeah, when you're single you can focus more on other things--like school work, regular work, house work...oh, and other hobbies.
3. Creative inspiration!--what's more inspiring than a breakup? After the breakup, I switched my major from English to Communication. I wrote more song lyrics. I started making lyrics videos and posting them on my youtube channel. I could have done more writing, but yeah, I wrote! When I was in the relationship, there was a dearth of creativity, both for X and for me. I'm not saying relationships can't spark creativity, but if your life is becoming blah, the blah tends to bleed into everything else.
4. Work on your other relationships!--the most important one being my relationship with God. I can't tell you how many nights I was up late talking to X and yet I spent barely a minute talking to God the entire day. That shouldn't be. That's borderline idolatry. Heck, that is idolatry. X was more important to me than God was. Anything that replaces God in your heart is going to become an idol--anything that takes up too much of your time and attention and adoration.
Aside from that, hanging out with X was more important to me than hanging out with friends. I would ditch youth group to spend more alone-time with X. If X visited that weekend, I didn't hang out with any friends, just X. I spent most of my online time talking to X. The only person I bothered calling on the phone most of the time was X. Guess who I texted the most? X.
So after the breakup, I had to approach my friends and be like, "Um, hi, guys..."
I've learned, though, that in a relationship, MAKE SURE YOU STILL MAINTAIN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS. Don't put all your eggs in one basket--because if that basket tips over, you're screwed. Thankfully, I managed to stay on decent terms with my friends, so the only change was that I hung out with them more. Somewhat.
Of course, family relationships are important, too. I think if the relationship wasn't long distance, and X still lived in the Bronx, I probably would have spent less time with my family and more time with him. That didn't happen, though.
So now that I'm single, I've been focusing on my friendships more and just enjoying the single life--because once you're married, you're not going to be single. For the rest of your life.
Cons to being single:
1. Jealousy--Before X and I broke up, I was somewhat oblivious to the other relationships around me. Sometimes I would get jealous--"Oh, I wish our relationship was more like their relationship." "Oh, I wish we got to do the kind of things so-and-so and such-and-such get to do together." A few days after the breakup, though, one of my friends got engaged. And then a coincidental engagement trend began, and that one friend is now married and I know at least 4 other people who are engaged. 'Tis the age, I guess. After all, I am 20. Gosh, I'm 20. I might as well be a spinster by this point. (Just kidding.)
Nowadays I try to be happy for other people. But a few weeks ago I was chatting online with a guy friend of mine, and he was describing to me this wonderful date he just had with his girlfriend. He took her to a Michelin-rated, 3-star restaurant. They had a 3 course meal. They dressed up all nice. The place was so romantic. It was a night he'd never forget.
And hey, the guy had been single for quite a while before he and this girl got together, so I tried to show happiness for him and I tried to understand his excitement. But at the same time, I was screaming in my head
"SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was like, why is he telling me all this? I don't want to hear about all the great stuff he gets to do while I'm stuck at home, alone in my room, attempting to focus on my homework. My mom's a great cook, but no, we don't eat chateaubriand in this house. To top it off, X never took me to a place THAT fancy.
But then I remembered: Oh, going to a fancy restaurant is not love. No, love is holding the bucket while your beloved is vomiting. Love is respecting their time constraints when they have several papers due in one week. Love is choosing to wait until marriage for sex, instead of getting your instant gratification now with the option of leaving them later.
Only time will tell for that couple...but getting back to my situation, yes, it's easier now for me to get jealous or envious.
2. Loneliness--cue the Christina Perri song "The Lonely." Or Roy Orbison's song "Only the Lonely." Or...you get the picture.
One time I was walking in Central Park with my mom, and we kept seeing couples. Like, we probably saw 4 or 5 couples as we were walking out. They were holding hands usually. Or sitting on a bench, talking. And I turned to my divorced mom and gave her a look like, "Psh, love. Whatever."
The big thing I noticed since the breakup up is that I don't miss X, I just miss being in a relationship. Having that someone to talk to and hold hands with. To go places with, and share new experiences with, and talk to when I'm upset. And sure, I can always talk to a friend or to my mom when I'm upset. But there's a certain reassurance that comes from talking to your significant other that no one else can give.
There's a certain sense of isolation I feel. Sure, I have friends. I have family. Most importantly, I have God. And yet, this icky, lonely feeling sometimes just takes over.
3. Going stag--This is a minor thing, but it's still something I've noticed. Any special occasion that comes up--any wedding, any dance--I'll be going stag. When I was at my cousin Vito's wedding last August, I felt bad when slow songs would come on and I had no one to dance with. My sister, of course, mentioned several times before the wedding, "Well, Picky, looks like we're going to be going solo." Yes, Izzo, I KNOW.
4. Physical deprivation--Before multiple people get on my case here, let me clarify something--I'M NOT REFERRING TO SEX. Get it? Got it? Good.
There's just something nice about holding hands with someone you love. Or sharing a sweet kiss. Or getting an extended hug. Which leads me to the fact that I am a statistic.
"A statistic of what, Nicole? You're not pregnant!"
Ok, I don't know if there are any formal stats for this, but I am a member of the overwhelmingly large group of girls who are estranged from their dad. Some have lost their dad to death. Some to divorce. Some to workaholism. I lost my dad to mental illness. And the Daddy I had when I was a little girl doesn't exist anymore. And often times, teen moms don't have a dad. Or, their dad lives with them but doesn't have a good relationship with them.
Why is that? Because all these girls wanted was love, someone to hold them, someone to tell them it would all be okay. They ended up with guys who took advantage of their vulnerability, used them for sex, and got them pregnant.
Ok, so maybe not all those boyfriends were intentionally taking advantage of their girlfriends' situation. But sadly, this is the way society is.
My dad left when I was 12, and was in and out of my life for awhile. You know those sweet moments when your dad gives you a nice big hug, or you'll be crying and he will put his arm around you? Yeah--I don't get that. And it's tough. And sure, my mom could put her arm around me if I'm upset but it just feels awkward. I'm generally not a touchy/feely kind of person. I don't like people playing with my hair, rubbing my arm, sitting close to me in a vehicle--unless they're my boyfriend. That's just how I am.
So sometimes I feel sad that I have no one to hold me. And I sometimes observe the guy-girl interactions in my youth group, and even people who are "just friends" give big hugs or put their arms around each other. Me? I have no one. I am virtually untouched, with the exception of kissing people hello or giving them the quick, awkward hug. When I visit my dad, we give each other a one-armed hug hello and kiss the air next to each others' cheeks. Gosh, this reminds me of Natalie Wood's relationship with her dad in the movie "Rebel Without a Cause." (Otherwise known as "Movie Without a Plot.")
5. The void--This could go back to loneliness/physical deprivation, but it's also something else entirely. After my parents got divorced, my mom felt from time to time that she missed having a husband. Which, of course, is natural. When I was little, my family would eat breakfast together on Saturday mornings, and then my dad would shoo Izzo and I out of the dining room so he could spend some time talking to mom while he finished his coffee. Now, my mom doesn't have that experience. On saturdays, she sits with Izzo and I for breakfast and then we chit chat about various topics and then we swallow our pills and start the day. Anytime we had to drive far, it was usually for a family function. And my dad would drive there, not my mom. So, my mom doesn't drive on the highway, and we're basically stranded in the Bronx, reliant on others' kindness to take us to my aunt's house in Long Island or my relatives' houses in Westchester. My mom misses having my dad in the driver seat while she sat beside him. And there's plenty more that she misses.
God saw Adam and said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helpmate for him." The story of Adam and Eve is one I think about often. Is it possible to live single for your entire life? Sure. But it's also lonely. And God can totally fill our voids--but the way I see it, it's still not the same as having someone physically there. Marriage is more than procreation. When your child gets married one day, you will be alone with your spouse. Until one of you dies. Unless you are like the couple in "The Notebook" and you die at the same time. Or unless the rapture happens before then. Then you don't have to worry about dying.
The point is, we are designed for companionship. "No man is an island." We need family and friends--and most of us feel the need for a significant other.
6. Perception change--I have to make sure every day that I don't look like crap--because I never know who I'm going to meet. When I was dating X, my appearance in school didn't matter as much, because he wasn't there and I didn't feel the need to impress anybody. I wasn't a slob--but I wasn't a fashion plate either.
Every time I go to a Christian event, I keep my eyes peeled for the guys in the room. Mentally, I size them up. And no, I haven't met anyone yet. Nobody totally "blows me away." No one has the full package I'm looking for.
One of the more recent blog entries I wrote was "The Standards for the Next Guy." Do I sound picky? Yeah, I do. Is there a guy out there who can possibly fit those standards?
Yes, there is. Believe it or not. Oh, if only I went to Valley Forge Christian College or Southeastern University, like some of my friends opted to. They're surrounded by Jesus fish. There are plenty of fish in their sea. Me? I don't even have a sea. I have a stagnant puddle in New York. The pickings are slim, and frankly, no one is very compatible with me. And no one seems to be looking to fish me out either, save for maybe 1.
My sister used to envy me when I was dating X. She's been single much longer than I have. She had her first boyfriend when she was 16. They broke up when she was 17. She's been single since then and is now 26.
I DON'T WANT THAT TO BE ME.
"Oh, but Nicole, why don't you just, you know, open an account on Christianmingle.com?"
I want to meet this guy in person. I do not want to "use a mouse to find a spouse," as Jeanne Mayo would put it. If 5 years have passed and I start to feel REALLY desperate, THEN I'll resort to the online dating site.
So yeah, at least now I have more empathy for my sister. But being in the same boat makes me scared. That could very well happen to me, and I feel like time is running out, the end of the world is nearer now more than ever, and I have to hurry up and get married and lose my virginity before the world ends!
"But if losing your virginity is that important to you, why don't you just, you know, go ahead and do it?"
I want to wait until I'm married. And also, I want to know what the heck I'm waiting for. I pledged to be abstinent until I'm married, and I want to reap the reward of waiting. I mean, should the world end before I have a chance to get married, I shouldn't get upset and juvenile and whatever. An eternity in God's presence is far more greater than anything on this planet, including sex. But my gosh, right now, I'm just a frustrated virgin. Proud, but unhappy.
Okay, thanks, bye.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Withdrawing from a Class/Taking a Summer Class
Hey, everyone! It has been awhile since I last posted a blog entry, and this past semester had been quite an experience for me so I was kind of preoccupied with other things to keep posting.
Sometimes I post personal stuff here, but the blog is still called "Musings of a Female College Student," so I want to take some time and talk about collegiate stuff.
This past semester (Spring 2011) started off pretty well. I liked my teachers, my classes seemed interesting, so on and so forth. However, when I registered for these classes, I was not prepared for the amount of reading that would await me.
I fell behind almost immediately.
About 2 or 3 weeks into the semester, I started having panic attacks. Even when I wasn't having a panic attack, I felt buzzed. I was very tense, shakey, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had dry mouth and I was afraid to talk sometimes because I was trying to conserve breath. When I woke up in the morning I would cry and dread the day.
I told my therapist about these things, and she agreed that I should go on meds. Of course, all of these things going on affected my academic experience, so I chose to withdraw from a class so I can do better in my 4 other classes. Ironically, I withdrew from a Roots of Literature class, and that was pretty shameful given that I was still an English major at that time (I'll talk about why I changed my major in another blog entry).
I strategically chose what class I wanted to withdraw from. I picked the Roots of Literature class because the teacher made the course too challenging for me. Also, this was my earliest class--9 AM--so I figured it was worth dropping for that reason alone.
Withdrawing from a class does not mean you get a 0. You just get a W. It does not affect your GPA whatsoever. However, there is the issue of making up credits. Also, this class is still part of my core, so I'm going to have to retake it sometime.
That said, in order to have 15 credits by next fall (because I would not want to take 6 classes in the fall, that's for sure) I decided to take a summer class. At Manhattan College, summer classes are broken up into 3 sessions--Summer I, Summer II, and Summer III. So depending on how early in the summer you want to take your class, you have to register for a class within that session's time frame. I chose to go with Summer I, because it ran from May 24th until June 9th. I registered for my third science class, because I have to take 3 for my core, even though science has nothing to do with my major.
So now I'm taking Intro to Meteorology. With all that's been going on with the weather lately, it's a very relevant-to-life class. The professor also makes the class interesting, and he likes to play music in the beginning of class and during lab. It's easier to retain what I learn because the class is condensed into 2 and a half weeks.
You don't want to make a habit of withdrawing--so my advice is if you realize from the get-go that a class is going to be too difficult, try to switch out within the first week of the semester and transfer to another class. I didn't withdraw from this class until almost half-way through the semester, and even if I wanted to switch to another class, it was already too late. I did not even voluntarily register for the class I withdrew from--I was placed there along with several other students by the registrar. It can happen. I originally registered for another professor's Roots of Literature class.
Going back to summer classes, they can be kind of costly. I think we got a little discount because withdrew by a certain point of the semester, but it still cost a lot.
So, bottom line, there's no shame in withdrawing if you really have to. Don't make it a habit, though, because making up credits and taking summer classes are both expensive.
This was kind of a dry entry, but it was college-related and relevant, so I felt like writing it anyway.
Sometimes I post personal stuff here, but the blog is still called "Musings of a Female College Student," so I want to take some time and talk about collegiate stuff.
This past semester (Spring 2011) started off pretty well. I liked my teachers, my classes seemed interesting, so on and so forth. However, when I registered for these classes, I was not prepared for the amount of reading that would await me.
I fell behind almost immediately.
About 2 or 3 weeks into the semester, I started having panic attacks. Even when I wasn't having a panic attack, I felt buzzed. I was very tense, shakey, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had dry mouth and I was afraid to talk sometimes because I was trying to conserve breath. When I woke up in the morning I would cry and dread the day.
I told my therapist about these things, and she agreed that I should go on meds. Of course, all of these things going on affected my academic experience, so I chose to withdraw from a class so I can do better in my 4 other classes. Ironically, I withdrew from a Roots of Literature class, and that was pretty shameful given that I was still an English major at that time (I'll talk about why I changed my major in another blog entry).
I strategically chose what class I wanted to withdraw from. I picked the Roots of Literature class because the teacher made the course too challenging for me. Also, this was my earliest class--9 AM--so I figured it was worth dropping for that reason alone.
Withdrawing from a class does not mean you get a 0. You just get a W. It does not affect your GPA whatsoever. However, there is the issue of making up credits. Also, this class is still part of my core, so I'm going to have to retake it sometime.
That said, in order to have 15 credits by next fall (because I would not want to take 6 classes in the fall, that's for sure) I decided to take a summer class. At Manhattan College, summer classes are broken up into 3 sessions--Summer I, Summer II, and Summer III. So depending on how early in the summer you want to take your class, you have to register for a class within that session's time frame. I chose to go with Summer I, because it ran from May 24th until June 9th. I registered for my third science class, because I have to take 3 for my core, even though science has nothing to do with my major.
So now I'm taking Intro to Meteorology. With all that's been going on with the weather lately, it's a very relevant-to-life class. The professor also makes the class interesting, and he likes to play music in the beginning of class and during lab. It's easier to retain what I learn because the class is condensed into 2 and a half weeks.
You don't want to make a habit of withdrawing--so my advice is if you realize from the get-go that a class is going to be too difficult, try to switch out within the first week of the semester and transfer to another class. I didn't withdraw from this class until almost half-way through the semester, and even if I wanted to switch to another class, it was already too late. I did not even voluntarily register for the class I withdrew from--I was placed there along with several other students by the registrar. It can happen. I originally registered for another professor's Roots of Literature class.
Going back to summer classes, they can be kind of costly. I think we got a little discount because withdrew by a certain point of the semester, but it still cost a lot.
So, bottom line, there's no shame in withdrawing if you really have to. Don't make it a habit, though, because making up credits and taking summer classes are both expensive.
This was kind of a dry entry, but it was college-related and relevant, so I felt like writing it anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
