4 Things I've Learned Over the Past 4 Years (and other stuff)

It's been a long time since I've written, one of those reasons being that there's not much to write about.

My thesis is underway, the semester's over halfway over, Spring is here, and I'm not making the best of my time left here.


You read that correctly. I have not been making the best of my time here--I do most of my homework at school, which gives me less time to hang out. Like laundry on a clothesline. Haha.

However, as the weather gets warmer, I'm fairly certain things will get better.

As time goes by, more and more people have been reminding me that graduation is around the corner.

And they ask me how I feel about it. And I always say "it's bittersweet."

I got a letter in the mail last week from the college regarding commencement stuff. I skimmed it briefly and put it aside. They sent a letter to my mom about it as well, and she read the entire letter, then went to the commencement page on the school website. Afterwards, she kept bringing up different things in conversation that I knew nothing about. "Have you been to the website?" she asked. "I didn't even read the letter," I replied.

I read the letter the same day I found out that my dad won't be attending my graduation. So, I was already upset. Then, reading the letter made me cry again, as I realized that everything is so...final.

So of course, in that moment, I thought back to my freshman year. I remembered walking up the hill where Horan and East Hill dorms are for the first time. I remembered looking around, completely awed by my surroundings. I remembered lazy afternoons sitting on the quad, feeling so cool because I had a blanket and I was officially "quadding."

If I look at pictures of myself from Freshman year, there is a difference (my fashion sense--eek). If I watch videos of myself from Freshman year, there is a difference. Heck, if I probably go back and read my blog entries from Freshman year, there is probably a difference. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like I've lost something over the past 4 years.

However, I've also gained something--life experience. I've learned things over the past 4 years that I can take with me into the work force and into "real life." (As my friend Kat and I would always say, "College isn't the real world!")

1. Be content. Whether I have a lot of homework or none at all, whether I am single or in a relationship, whether I'm making a decent amount of money or close to nothing, whether it's raining outside or a clear, sunny day, I should still be content with my life. The apostle Paul writes about this in Philippians 4:11-12. Interestingly enough, I always bemoan the fact that I got sick my sophomore year, but I think some of my best college memories are from that year!

2. Forgive. People have said or done unkind/unjust things to me, both inside and outside of college. In the end, though, holding a grudge only makes me feel bad--chances are that person has already moved on with their life, and they have completely forgotten what they've done. Also, I'm glad that there were certain disagreements that I've been able to reconcile like an adult, where the offender and I actually made peace.

3. Be kind to everyone. There were people I've said hello to back in Freshman year who would give me a dirty look and smugly reply "hey." That didn't deter me, though--chances are if I know you, I will say hi to you. Now, some of those same people who seemed to dislike me back in freshman year actually reciprocate my greetings with a smile. If you're kind to everyone, then their hatred of you is unjustifiable. Just be nice to everybody.

4. Don't worry. Getting panic disorder in sophomore year taught me how much anxiety can cost--and believe me, it is taxing. I still struggle with panic attacks and anxiety, and it is an unpredictable disorder, but I have learned that I can control what I think about--or at least try to. And that helps. My therapist told me that 99% of the things we worry are unfounded. In other words, don't waste your worry on something that isn't even going to happen, and don't worry about how a situation will go--because it may turn out differently.

Moving on, more and more people are asking me about two things: my driving and my post-grad plans. Let me clear up a few things:

1. I drive locally on occasion. Someday I will drive longer distances (it's a goal). I get panic attacks in the car, and that's prevented me from driving to school (as well as little practice, though I took lessons to drive to my school last summer). I have very little highway experience. I can't afford gas. I currently don't have much time to drive. I do not want to drive with you, you'll probably make me feel more nervous because I'll feel performance pressure. I am afraid I'm either going to hit someone or I will get hit. It's my car and my life. Thank you for offering your help and thank you for your concern, but please refrain from asking me what I'm doing and telling me what to do. I washed the dishes last night, your argument is invalid. Thank you.

2. I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate. I majored in Communication and minored in English. I'm graduating May 19th. I have not started job interviews yet. I probably won't apply anywhere until May. My default answer is "magazines." No, I do not want to become a legitimate news reporting journalist. I hate the news. If you know someone who knows someone, YES, please contact them for me. I'm open to pretty much anything related to communication or English, as long as it has health benefits and it's easy to commute to (midtown). Yes, I have a LinkedIn account, and yes, I have heard of monster.com and craigslist. Yes, I have a resume, which I need to update. I'm currently doing Work Study at the college library and I have a little side job with my web design professor's company that he and his wife own. I work from out of my house. No, I do not want to do that for the rest of my life. Yes, I did an internship last summer at a marketing company. No, I do not want to work there again. No, I do not feel passionate about marketing--though I do like the work, to an extent. Yes, I do want to find a job downtown--no, I'm not opposed to a job in White Plains, though that means I'll have to drive there and pay for gas. No, becoming a librarian is not completely off the table.

There are other jobs I'm considering as well--for example, I plan on applying to the Bronx County Historical Society, if they have any positions open and if they have health benefits. Being a young person is marketable enough--a lot of people my age don't even know why the Bronx is called the Bronx, and I think that is tragic.

And yes, I do have dreams--but I won't share them here. :)

Thanks for reading!