This one's bound to be a real eye-opener.
So, as some of you know, I enjoy making videos. I also take quite a few pictures here and there and I really like to write. You may wonder, though, why I enjoy doing these things—especially since I'm posting them online where people can see.
When I was little, I spent a lot of my childhood playing by myself. I have one sibling—my sister who is six years older—but she was often busy doing homework. Since she has a visual processing problem, she had difficulty with reading comprehension, so my mom would sit with her for hours at the dining room table doing homework.
My dad—back when he was living with us—rented out an office for his ministry duties. Even though he's a pastor, he never had a church office because he always rented buildings. He mostly preferred not to do his pastor stuff at home, so he would go to his office around 10 or 11 in the morning, and come back around 4:30 in the afternoon. He would spend some quality time with me, but after about 45 minutes he would reach for the phone and say, “Okay, Daddy has to make a phone call now.”
We weren't ones for spontaneity. I had friends at school but if they were to come over my mom wanted it planned in advance. Back then, my parents did not have the “come over anytime” mindset.
Thank God I had a good imagination. Like many kids, I pretended my toys could talk, and I would talk to them. Sometimes, I would dress up, putting on a slip over my sweatsuit, and sing about my life as a princess about to be sent off to an evil scientist's lab (admittedly, my imagination was a bit twisted, but I'm sure that doesn't shock you).
I never fit in at school—not then, and not so much now, either, I feel. (Though in college you can always find like-minded people to hang out with. Popularity doesn't seem to matter as much). The beauty of public school is that it's big enough to have a diverse population of various personalities. I had friends, but I did not fit in.
My public school days ended in 2002, because PS 14 only went up to 5th grade. My social status became even lower when I got into my middle school years, because I went to a small school and I was “smart” and I had glasses and braces and acne and frizzy hair and people were just jealous I knew how to answer an essay question and they didn't.
Oh, and I was fairly flat-chested.
My creativity bloomed during these tumultuous years, however, and I wrote a play when I was 12 and kept a journal about my classmates when I was 13.
High school was rough because of my home life—by this point my parents were getting their divorce finalized and my dad's mental health (as well as his ministry) started taking a dive. I did join the Creative Writing Club at my school, though, and I contributed to the Literary Magazine. I even did some singing in the choir as well as solo performances.
By now you're probably wondering what the heck any of this has to do with my blogging/video editing/picture taking. I'm getting to it.
Now that I am in college, and I have lived two decades, I can look back with gratitude that despite all that has happened—and I only gave you the tip of the iceberg—God has kept his protective hand over my life. Many people in my situation would have ended up doing something drastic—but I had a praying mom, and God would not give up on me.
Being a commuter to my college has been, in short, somewhat painful. On the one hand, I get to stay home where I can eat good food, share a bathroom with only my mom and my sister, and have my laundry done once a week when my mom goes to the laundromat. However, there is a major sense of isolation. I cannot tell you how many times I've gone on Facebook and seen pictures of my friends having a good time without me—and how sad it makes me feel. How alone. Then I start to wonder, “Why didn't anyone let me know they were celebrating so-and-so's birthday?” or “Even though they all got drunk, I still wish I was there to take embarrassing pictures” or “I love playing (insert game here)! I never get to play it! I wish I had known they were going to get together and play (name of game).” Simple little things, I know.
So, what does one do to interact with others when they're alone in their room?
I write blog entries in hope that someone actually does care enough to read. I rarely get any actual comments, but I like to think that someone I know read the entry and understands how I feel (I know I do get occasional readers because I check my stats).
I make videos because I am bored. I also want to showcase my snarky sense of humor and replicate the feeling of actually talking to someone. In short, the camera keeps me company. Except the camera is just a symbol for all of you lovely folks out there who are watching me. Or not.
I post videos of me singing my songs on facebook because I just want to share my music. Maybe my heartfelt lyrics have helped someone. Maybe someone out there saw another side of me. Whatever.
My picture-taking habit goes back a few years. Given the amount of unpleasant memories I have, I want to make good memories, and I like being able to capture these moments with my camera (this is also the same reason why I like to record videos, randomly).
Some of you probably see me as an attention-whore who is seeking approval, especially since I am one of the many girls who is estranged from her father. This may be partially true, but it's not always the reason why I make stuff and post it online. And even when it is the reason, it's only partially the reason.
So anyway, yes, I'm lonely and I'm constantly trying to connect.
I'll speak for anyone who will listen.
I'm just waiting for someone to remember I exist.
(In all fairness, I give props to my friend Caleb, who says hi to me everyday on facebook chat. But the rest of you don't chat with me at all, unless I chat with you first, which gets tiring after awhile. So yeah.)