Some plant. Some water.

Read with an open mind.

I have learned a truth. It's made me kind of sad, but ultimately, it is something that is not in my control.


First, the backstory.

When I first came to Manhattan College, I didn't have a lot of support from the people in my church. I was amongst the first batch of high school graduates in my congregation, and at that time people were very pro-AG colleges. People wanted me to go to Valley Forge. Even though it is technically a liberal arts college, I feel it's best suited for people who want to go into ministry. Why go out of state and lose my grants/financial aid when I can stay here in NY and study at a college I can commute to? I did not feel a call to a specific ministry on my life. I did not want to be a youth leader, or a pastor, or a missionary, or even a singer.

I wanted to major in English [at that time], and I knew very well the reputation of Manhattan College because I already had 2 cousins and even more members of my extended family who were alumni. Granted, some things had changed since my cousins graduated, but for the most part I knew what to expect.

I thought I was making a wise decision to go to Manhattan College. Adults in my church disagreed with me. It seemed that I was too young to know what college is really like. Professors were going to argue with me about my faith--even in a math class. I was going to fall in with the wrong crowd. I was going to lose my faith. I was going to face persecution. I was going to miss out on the wonderful experience of dorming at a college full of Christians.

The people who chose to go to an AG school were lifted up. I was kind of brushed to the side.

Over time, though, the truth was revealed--Valley Forge was not all they thought it was cracked up to be. And Manhattan College--well, it's like any other Catholic liberal arts college nowadays. It's liberal and it's "Catholic," whatever that means. (Besides that, it was best for me to stay close to home and commute--especially after my health problems in sophomore year.)

When I was starting my freshman year at Manhattan College, I always thought I had to justify my decision to come here. After all, even if you're a commuter, college becomes more than an education--it's an experience. These may be your last years in a school. Your last chance to make friends in an academic setting. Aside from that, these are the years that you make the passage from adolescence into adulthood. (And even at 21, I still feel like a little girl sometimes (but that's for another post).)

So in freshman year, I posted two things on the wall in my room. One was a little poster I made that says "JC ♥s MC." It means Jesus Christ loves Manhattan College, and yes, it's still on my wall because it is truth. The second thing was a post-it that had a fraction on it--zero out of 3,024. That was the number of undergrads we had at that time, according to collegeboard.com. I've taken that post-it down, and it's not just because we've grown since then. 


I had it in my mind that I was going to witness to people. I wasn't going to be one of those "campus missionaries" you hear people talk about at youth convention. I wasn't going to go up to random people on the quad and say "Hey, can I talk to you for a few minutes? Did you know that Jesus loves you?" This would be almost unrealistic. Especially knowing my campus. I imagine some may be a little receptive, but there are probably people who would kind of laugh awkwardly and say "Um...get the (expletive) out of here." 
So no, I was not going to go in that direction. I was just going to occasionally wear Christian t-shirts and other paraphernalia, mention my faith casually if it's relevant to conversations, and encourage my friends who were hurting by sharing how God has helped me.
Suffice it to say, anytime I've shared my testimony with people--and I haven't shared it with many people on my campus--sometimes people are less than impressed. Like, they don't care that God pulled me out of a very dark place in my life. The general consensus seems to be "I admire your faith, whatever works for you, you believe what you believe and I'll believe what I believe."And hey, at least those people respect what I believe, and they've earned my respect in return. Some people have taken their reactions too far and have been downright insulting toward me (particularly online), but those people have all either graduated or left the school.  
I've had some interesting conversations about beliefs. Sometimes these conversations turn into arguments. As a non-confrontational person who rarely gets angry, I don't know how to handle an argument. I'll get a headache, my stomach will get tied in a knot, my heart starts racing--and I guess it's partially because I'm passionate about the topic in question. I'm not talking about a religion here--I have a relationship with the Creator of the universe, the Savior of my soul and my very life, and you're reducing him to a Santa Claus in the sky. It breaks my heart. 
At the same time, though, I've learned something since Freshman year, and that is this: I was more concerned with winning arguments than showing God's love. 
I never offered to help clean a friend's dorm room. I never did community service. I have tried to befriend the friendless, but I didn't pursue those people, I just waited until they found me. Am I a good person? 
Of course not. I've always held that mentality that we are all bad people. 
But that was the wrong mentality to have. In reality, while "good" and "bad" are subjective words, I would say there are good people and bad people in the world, regardless of beliefs. We're just all sinners. Yes, even you and me. We all sin. 
Going back to my angle about choosing Manhattan College, I am graduating in a month and 8 days, and I am not a drug addict, or an atheist, or even a party-goer. I'm still myself--but only by the grace of God was I able to choose to stay on this path. There were times when I felt very tempted to veer, but I had to tell myself "no." I'm not looking for applause here--I'm still just as messed up as everyone else. The only difference is Jesus. 


My approach to sharing my faith has changed over time. I'm not here to convert you, sell you anything, convince you, or defend God, my relationship with Him, and what I believe. All I know is that someone loved us enough to die for us--and He knew not everyone would be cool with that, but He did it anyway. And I just want to share that love with you.

So here is the hard truth that I have learned:

"I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." (1 Corinthians 3:6-7)

I did not change anyone's life while at Manhattan College--but it was never my job to begin with. Once I've shared the gospel--by actions or by words--then I've planted a seed. And maybe that's all I was meant to do here. Plant seeds. And I pray that these seeds will be watered by someone else down the road. I pray that the people I have spoken with will encounter other Christians along their journey, and that they find God--or rather, they allow God to find them. 

I can tell you testimonies and miracles, and quote Bible verses, and I can sing Christian songs, and I can invite you to my church, and I can lend you books I want you to read--but ultimately, you need to have your own encounter with God, and I cannot force that to happen. 

That said, nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. And following Jesus is more than just a matter of going to heaven vs. going to hell. It's about the life you can have here on earth while you follow Him. 

I can say from my own experience that this road isn't easy--but I can't imagine walking through life without God. He makes things new, He sustains me, He heals me, and He gives me what I need to get through each day. 

And no, I'm not just saying that because I have panic disorder and I've had some traumatic experiences in my life and "God is my crutch." He isn't my crutch--He is my Father. And I'm not just saying that because I'm estranged from my earthly dad. 

I'm saying it because it's the truth--and it can happen to you.