This is one of those “heat of the moment” blog entries, so I'm kind of angry, but I will try to keep this civil and rational.
Remember when formspring was big? Many people I knew had a formspring account, and even I had one. One distinctive feature of formspring was being able to ask people questions anonymously. Of course, in the society in which we live, people “grow balls” (pardon the expression) when they have anonymity. The person on the receiving end does not know it's you who's doing the talking, so it's not like they can track you down in person if you say something offensive or upsetting.
My formspring got attacked. I checked off the option to publish my answers to facebook, and this incited more people to go to my formspring and ask questions. People hated the fact that I would talk about my faith on there. (Remember, folks, “freedom of speech” doesn't apply to Christians. It does on the books, but it doesn't in real life, because hearing the name of Jesus really rattles people. It makes them uncomfortable. This idea of a God that loves them and died for them offends them—I don't know why. Salvation's free.)
Anyway, if you want to see the kind of questions I got, you can take a look here (scroll down for the more heated stuff):
http://www.formspring.me/nicolemarie1991
Continuing—I've had tumblr for awhile now (http://keepyourbodybroken.tumblr.com (yes, I'm shamelessly plugging my blogs here)) and today I decided to uncheck the option to receive anonymous questions on there because of this “question” (it wasn't even a question):
“just want to say that u talk about how lonely u are a lot. i also know that ur intersted in a guy. constantly talking about how lonely u r is only gonna be a turn off for him.”
A few things here:
1.)Not bad, right? No cursing me out, no dissing my faith, no name calling. But...
2.)I already have an idea of who this person might be, and if they can't submit a question via their user name, that's called being a coward.
3.)This person hardly ever acknowledged me on tumblr (maybe once) and when I see them in real life, they hardly acknowledge me (if this is indeed the person who I believe it is). So what gives them the right to randomly come out of the blue and say something like this to me now? I would understand if this were a good friend, and we were out drinking coffee, and they tactfully suggested I not broadcast my lonely disease to the world. But this person went anonymous and basically told me I can't get anyone because I am openly lonely.
4.)How do they know I like someone!? I've dropped hints here and there I guess, but I always figured this person never paid attention to me anyway.
So now on tumblr if someone wants to tell me something/ask a question, they have to use their username.
What point am I trying to make here? First, don't be anonymous. Unless you want to say something nice. If someone says something nice and they're anonymous, I'm all for it. But if you want to give advice, or even ridicule, you should use your freaking name. Be mature and own what you say.
My second point is this: if people can say the f-word, post slutty pictures, and wreak havoc on other people's lives over the internet, then why shouldn't I be able to proclaim my faith freely and talk about my loneliness? I'm not hurting anybody.
Chances are the guy I like does not even like me at all. (It feels like middle school all over again.) So whether or not me saying how lonely I am is a turn-off for him will always be a mystery to me, because I have no clue if he even pays attention to what I post online. What I will say is this: whatever guy I end up with in the future will be able to accept my honesty, and (I would hope) appreciate it. Because I don't bury my feelings—I like to have them out in the open. And I KNOW I am not the only one that feels the way I do. With me, what you see is what you get. And hey, maybe someone else who's lonely is reading what I write, and at least they know they are not alone in their loneliness (haha).
Lastly, I write about my feelings online because I can. And I hope people read what I write, and I HOPE someone actually cares. Because I only know a few people who care enough about me to actually talk to me once in awhile. I don't know why. I am a nice person (I think), I don't hold grudges, and when I'm on campus I try to say hello to everyone I know. But this has been the story of my life, this failure to connect, this inability to have staying power when it comes to people. Part of it is because I'm a commuter. Part of it is because I'm white. And part of it is because I've been damaged.
But I've also been healed, thanks to God.
Talk to my face. <3 br="">
-Nicole
P.S. For the past, I dunno, ten years, I haven't been able to say that I've had a “best friend.” I just haven't. I've had some good friends, some close friends, but I still never found a best friend.
Until my grandma and I had a conversation a few weeks ago. My grandma's been a Christian for 35 years and she is now at a point in her life where she can't start her day without praying, and she can't end it without praying, either. She doesn't see it as a chore—she genuinely loves God and wants to talk to Him (although I guess sometimes she might feel like not praying. After all, she is human). Anyway, I visited her once and we were talking about the Lord, and I remember her encouraging me to talk to Him, saying, “And remember—He's your best friend.”
After all these years, years of divorce, dealing with mental illness in my family, having ulcers, having IBS, having panic disorder and depression, going through break-ups—the only one who has stood by me this entire time is God.
So Jesus is my best friend. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment