Being Single: The Harsh Dichotomy of Liberty and Loneliness

I have not written an entry in a long time, and I have ideas for a college-themed entry or two, but for now I just want to talk about this.

So as some of you already know, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me on March 12, 2011. That was after a relationship that lasted 2 years, 8 month, and a day. It has now been 5 months and 4 days since that breakup. And even though I felt liberated and happy in the beginning, it didn't take long before loneliness crept in.


When I was dating my ex, I would tell my single friends who would complain, "be happy when you're single, be happy when you're in a relationship. There's cons and pros to both. And there are days when i wish I was single again!"

So, now that I've been single for less than half a year, I will delve into the cons and pros of being single--and what that means for the general population. I don't have all the answers, I'm not an expert, I'm just a single, Christian, 20-year-old girl who lives life. And life is never easy.

Pros to being single:
1. LIBERTAD!--the day of the break-up, I felt surprisingly happy. Almost too happy. Like, I was taking it a little too well. That day, I got rid of the pictures, threw out my half mizpah necklace, and threw out the manila envelope full of movie stubs, short stories, cards, letters--basically, scrapbook materials that I was going to use for the day X and I would get married. Why was I so happy? Why did I let go so quickly? Well, I kind of saw it coming. No one else did. But I knew X well enough to know that when he has barely talked to you in 2 weeks, something is up. So when I called him that saturday morning, I sort of braced myself. And the thing is, I myself was feeling distanced from him. So when he said, "I'm not in love anymore," my initial thought was probably, "yeah, I've kind of felt the same way." If he hadn't broken up with me, I don't know how much longer I would have hung in there. But I was definitely getting bored with him. And the distance didn't help, because we couldn't be there for each other during hard times. (also, with long distance relationships, the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality can creep up and you can end up liking other people who are close by and you might feel closer to them than you do with your boyfriend.) Anyway, I knew love was a choice, and that when you get married, you're not going to feel passionately in love every single day. You're going to have mundane times, good and bad seasons, and so on. So I probably would have tried to make it work. But I still felt bored, annoyed, and distanced. The day of the breakup, I ironed my hair, dressed up pretty, grabbed my leather jacket and went to Barnes and Noble with my mom. That's where I first met X (he doesn't work there anymore).

Going back to the main point, yes, with being single there's this refreshing sense of freedom, independence, and having large hypothetical fields to run around in. You don't have to answer to a significant other. You can like a million guys at once and no one has to know. You can be subtly flirtatious without worrying about coming across as a cheater. There's suddenly more artistic inspiration. You feel a sense of adventure, and excitement for what's next. There are suddenly more possibilities in life. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Free time!--Relationships can be draining on many levels, but one aspect that is definitely drained is TIME. Typing a paper? Webcam with your boyfriend! Going to sleep? Don't count sheep, count the text messages clogging up your inbox. Three day weekend? Your boyfriend gets a 3 day vacation in your borough! (He moved to Long Island to live with his mom and step-dad after he graduated high school. His grandparents live in the Bronx, however). Better learn to settle for a B- paper, because that's all you'll get to type during his visit.

And then, once I was single again--voila! All this free time. I almost didn't know what to do with myself (facebook! movies! seeing other friends!). But yeah, when you're single you can focus more on other things--like school work, regular work, house work...oh, and other hobbies.

3. Creative inspiration!--what's more inspiring than a breakup? After the breakup, I switched my major from English to Communication. I wrote more song lyrics. I started making lyrics videos and posting them on my youtube channel. I could have done more writing, but yeah, I wrote! When I was in the relationship, there was a dearth of creativity, both for X and for me. I'm not saying relationships can't spark creativity, but if your life is becoming blah, the blah tends to bleed into everything else.

4. Work on your other relationships!--the most important one being my relationship with God. I can't tell you how many nights I was up late talking to X and yet I spent barely a minute talking to God the entire day. That shouldn't be. That's borderline idolatry. Heck, that is idolatry. X was more important to me than God was. Anything that replaces God in your heart is going to become an idol--anything that takes up too much of your time and attention and adoration.

Aside from that, hanging out with X was more important to me than hanging out with friends. I would ditch youth group to spend more alone-time with X. If X visited that weekend, I didn't hang out with any friends, just X. I spent most of my online time talking to X. The only person I bothered calling on the phone most of the time was X. Guess who I texted the most? X.
So after the breakup, I had to approach my friends and be like, "Um, hi, guys..."
I've learned, though, that in a relationship, MAKE SURE YOU STILL MAINTAIN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS. Don't put all your eggs in one basket--because if that basket tips over, you're screwed. Thankfully, I managed to stay on decent terms with my friends, so the only change was that I hung out with them more. Somewhat.

Of course, family relationships are important, too. I think if the relationship wasn't long distance, and X still lived in the Bronx, I probably would have spent less time with my family and more time with him. That didn't happen, though.

So now that I'm single, I've been focusing on my friendships more and just enjoying the single life--because once you're married, you're not going to be single. For the rest of your life.

Cons to being single:

1. Jealousy--Before X and I broke up, I was somewhat oblivious to the other relationships around me. Sometimes I would get jealous--"Oh, I wish our relationship was more like their relationship." "Oh, I wish we got to do the kind of things so-and-so and such-and-such get to do together." A few days after the breakup, though, one of my friends got engaged. And then a coincidental engagement trend began, and that one friend is now married and I know at least 4 other people who are engaged. 'Tis the age, I guess. After all, I am 20. Gosh, I'm 20. I might as well be a spinster by this point. (Just kidding.)

Nowadays I try to be happy for other people. But a few weeks ago I was chatting online with a guy friend of mine, and he was describing to me this wonderful date he just had with his girlfriend. He took her to a Michelin-rated, 3-star restaurant. They had a 3 course meal. They dressed up all nice. The place was so romantic. It was a night he'd never forget.

And hey, the guy had been single for quite a while before he and this girl got together, so I tried to show happiness for him and I tried to understand his excitement. But at the same time, I was screaming in my head

"SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It was like, why is he telling me all this? I don't want to hear about all the great stuff he gets to do while I'm stuck at home, alone in my room, attempting to focus on my homework. My mom's a great cook, but no, we don't eat chateaubriand in this house. To top it off, X never took me to a place THAT fancy.

But then I remembered: Oh, going to a fancy restaurant is not love. No, love is holding the bucket while your beloved is vomiting. Love is respecting their time constraints when they have several papers due in one week. Love is choosing to wait until marriage for sex, instead of getting your instant gratification now with the option of leaving them later.

Only time will tell for that couple...but getting back to my situation, yes, it's easier now for me to get jealous or envious.

2. Loneliness--cue the Christina Perri song "The Lonely." Or Roy Orbison's song "Only the Lonely." Or...you get the picture.
One time I was walking in Central Park with my mom, and we kept seeing couples. Like, we probably saw 4 or 5 couples as we were walking out. They were holding hands usually. Or sitting on a bench, talking. And I turned to my divorced mom and gave her a look like, "Psh, love. Whatever."

The big thing I noticed since the breakup up is that I don't miss X, I just miss being in a relationship. Having that someone to talk to and hold hands with. To go places with, and share new experiences with, and talk to when I'm upset. And sure, I can always talk to a friend or to my mom when I'm upset. But there's a certain reassurance that comes from talking to your significant other that no one else can give.

There's a certain sense of isolation I feel. Sure, I have friends. I have family. Most importantly, I have God. And yet, this icky, lonely feeling sometimes just takes over.


3. Going stag--This is a minor thing, but it's still something I've noticed. Any special occasion that comes up--any wedding, any dance--I'll be going stag. When I was at my cousin Vito's wedding last August, I felt bad when slow songs would come on and I had no one to dance with. My sister, of course, mentioned several times before the wedding, "Well, Picky, looks like we're going to be going solo." Yes, Izzo, I KNOW.

4. Physical deprivation--Before multiple people get on my case here, let me clarify something--I'M NOT REFERRING TO SEX. Get it? Got it? Good.
There's just something nice about holding hands with someone you love. Or sharing a sweet kiss. Or getting an extended hug. Which leads me to the fact that I am a statistic.

"A statistic of what, Nicole? You're not pregnant!"

Ok, I don't know if there are any formal stats for this, but I am a member of the overwhelmingly large group of girls who are estranged from their dad. Some have lost their dad to death. Some to divorce. Some to workaholism. I lost my dad to mental illness. And the Daddy I had when I was a little girl doesn't exist anymore. And often times, teen moms don't have a dad. Or, their dad lives with them but doesn't have a good relationship with them.

Why is that? Because all these girls wanted was love, someone to hold them, someone to tell them it would all be okay. They ended up with guys who took advantage of their vulnerability, used them for sex, and got them pregnant.

Ok, so maybe not all those boyfriends were intentionally taking advantage of their girlfriends' situation. But sadly, this is the way society is.

My dad left when I was 12, and was in and out of my life for awhile. You know those sweet moments when your dad gives you a nice big hug, or you'll be crying and he will put his arm around you? Yeah--I don't get that. And it's tough. And sure, my mom could put her arm around me if I'm upset but it just feels awkward. I'm generally not a touchy/feely kind of person. I don't like people playing with my hair, rubbing my arm, sitting close to me in a vehicle--unless they're my boyfriend. That's just how I am.

So sometimes I feel sad that I have no one to hold me. And I sometimes observe the guy-girl interactions in my youth group, and even people who are "just friends" give big hugs or put their arms around each other. Me? I have no one. I am virtually untouched, with the exception of kissing people hello or giving them the quick, awkward hug. When I visit my dad, we give each other a one-armed hug hello and kiss the air next to each others' cheeks. Gosh, this reminds me of Natalie Wood's relationship with her dad in the movie "Rebel Without a Cause." (Otherwise known as "Movie Without a Plot.")

5. The void--This could go back to loneliness/physical deprivation, but it's also something else entirely. After my parents got divorced, my mom felt from time to time that she missed having a husband. Which, of course, is natural. When I was little, my family would eat breakfast together on Saturday mornings, and then my dad would shoo Izzo and I out of the dining room so he could spend some time talking to mom while he finished his coffee. Now, my mom doesn't have that experience. On saturdays, she sits with Izzo and I for breakfast and then we chit chat about various topics and then we swallow our pills and start the day. Anytime we had to drive far, it was usually for a family function. And my dad would drive there, not my mom. So, my mom doesn't drive on the highway, and we're basically stranded in the Bronx, reliant on others' kindness to take us to my aunt's house in Long Island or my relatives' houses in Westchester. My mom misses having my dad in the driver seat while she sat beside him. And there's plenty more that she misses.

God saw Adam and said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helpmate for him." The story of Adam and Eve is one I think about often. Is it possible to live single for your entire life? Sure. But it's also lonely. And God can totally fill our voids--but the way I see it, it's still not the same as having someone physically there. Marriage is more than procreation. When your child gets married one day, you will be alone with your spouse. Until one of you dies. Unless you are like the couple in "The Notebook" and you die at the same time. Or unless the rapture happens before then. Then you don't have to worry about dying.

The point is, we are designed for companionship. "No man is an island." We need family and friends--and most of us feel the need for a significant other.

6. Perception change--I have to make sure every day that I don't look like crap--because I never know who I'm going to meet. When I was dating X, my appearance in school didn't matter as much, because he wasn't there and I didn't feel the need to impress anybody. I wasn't a slob--but I wasn't a fashion plate either.

Every time I go to a Christian event, I keep my eyes peeled for the guys in the room. Mentally, I size them up. And no, I haven't met anyone yet. Nobody totally "blows me away." No one has the full package I'm looking for.

One of the more recent blog entries I wrote was "The Standards for the Next Guy." Do I sound picky? Yeah, I do. Is there a guy out there who can possibly fit those standards?

Yes, there is. Believe it or not. Oh, if only I went to Valley Forge Christian College or Southeastern University, like some of my friends opted to. They're surrounded by Jesus fish. There are plenty of fish in their sea. Me? I don't even have a sea. I have a stagnant puddle in New York. The pickings are slim, and frankly, no one is very compatible with me. And no one seems to be looking to fish me out either, save for maybe 1.

My sister used to envy me when I was dating X. She's been single much longer than I have. She had her first boyfriend when she was 16. They broke up when she was 17. She's been single since then and is now 26.

I DON'T WANT THAT TO BE ME.

"Oh, but Nicole, why don't you just, you know, open an account on Christianmingle.com?"

I want to meet this guy in person. I do not want to "use a mouse to find a spouse," as Jeanne Mayo would put it. If 5 years have passed and I start to feel REALLY desperate, THEN I'll resort to the online dating site.

So yeah, at least now I have more empathy for my sister. But being in the same boat makes me scared. That could very well happen to me, and I feel like time is running out, the end of the world is nearer now more than ever, and I have to hurry up and get married and lose my virginity before the world ends!

"But if losing your virginity is that important to you, why don't you just, you know, go ahead and do it?"

I want to wait until I'm married. And also, I want to know what the heck I'm waiting for. I pledged to be abstinent until I'm married, and I want to reap the reward of waiting. I mean, should the world end before I have a chance to get married, I shouldn't get upset and juvenile and whatever. An eternity in God's presence is far more greater than anything on this planet, including sex. But my gosh, right now, I'm just a frustrated virgin. Proud, but unhappy.

Okay, thanks, bye.