Musings of a Female College Student

People Who Should Not Be Protesting in OWS

2011-12-21T13:19:00.004-05:00

This is my 50th post (woohoo) and I want to talk about current events (for once).
I'm the kind of person who doesn't watch the news. You can say that I'm disaffected. I don't like politics, I think the news is depressing, and I'd rather be in my oblivious bubble during dinner time than watch a news story about a murder or robbery.

If something is really important, I almost always find out from the internet anyway.

Now that I am a Communication major, though, with a focus in journalism, I kind of have to pay attention to the news now. Of course, what's been fairly popular in the news for the past--what, 3 months?--is the Occupy Wall Street movement. Other cities in the United States and around the world have joined in this protest, and there's not really any clear leadership or purpose to it. All I know is that people are just plain fed up with the economy and how it's run. The trickle down effect doesn't work. 99% of the wealth belong to 1% of the world's population, and the rest of us who share 1% of the wealth are the 99%.

It's an angry world we live in, and the global inclination is toward anarchy at this point. However, I would like to shed some light on this and tell people things they've probably already heard before:

If you do not have a GED, you should not be protesting in OWS. You cannot get a job because you don't have a GED.

If you have a good laptop (it came out in the past few years, as opposed to ten years ago), you should not be protesting in OWS.

If you have an iPhone, iPod, iPad, iAnything, you should not be protesting in OWS. Clearly you have enough money if you've bought an Apple product.

If you're "living above your means," you should not be protesting in OWS. You have debt because you're living above your means. You cannot pay off your debt because you continue to do so.

If you're a drug addict or a drug dealer, you should not be protesting in OWS. If you're a drug addict, you're wasting your money on drugs. If you're a drug dealer, you're helping addicts waste their money on drugs. Aside from that, neither of you are law-abiding citizens, so how can you expect the government to listen to you and validate your feelings?

If you have a family to take care of, you should not be protesting in OWS. Now you might say, "I can't take care of my family because I don't have enough money, and that's why I joined in the protests." I'm sorry, your point is valid but let's be honest, your children would be better off with you present. You can probably cook better than them, and do you REALLY want your mother-in-law carrying the burden of caring for your children in your absence? Think carefully.

People who have a reason to protest:

-College students who are the victims of financial aid cuts.
-College grads who have pounded the pavement and offered to clean toilets and STILL cannot find a job.
-Senior citizens who cannot live on their social security (although they should not be exposed to the elements, and nobody wants to see an old woman get pepper-sprayed. That's just plain horrible.)
-People who REALLY cannot live off of what they're making. They've cut their spending, they clip coupons, they conserve energy, they work extra hours, they have two jobs, they eat the end pieces of the loaf of bread, and they STILL cannot pay all their bills.
-Schools that have been subject to terrible budget cuts. I'm thinking superintendents and maybe principals should be protesting. I do not think teachers should bring their class on a trip to Zuccotti Park so they can protest.
-The people who run homeless shelters. A homeless person can only stay for a limited amount of time because there's a limited amount of space. What the heck.
-People who need better healthcare. I know people who have jobs that do not provide health benefits, so they're under the "Healthy NY" plan, which SUCKS.

Overall, this has been going on for awhile now and I don't think anything's really changed. Is this movement going to change anything? Probably not. While some may say it's brought about unity, I think it's brought about more division. People hate the government more now than they did before, and people hate police more now than they did before.

"Oh, but Nicole, this movement has simply exposed the government and the police for what they truly are--heartless, greedy bastards who do not care about people."

And who are you?

Let's get one thing straight: you are not starving. Children in Uganda are starving. YOU are just HUNGRY.

Some protestors have legitimate reasons to protests. The rest of them are just chronic complainers who delight in rebellion. And frankly, it's hard to pinpoint a specific reason behind the movement because with every protestor you ask, the purpose varies slightly (or vastly).

I'm not for the movement, but I'm not against it either. I think the government has needed a wake up call for a long time. However, I do not think people camping out in Zuccotti Park and putting their health and wellbeing at risk is the right way to go about it. I just hope nobody decides to set himself or herself on fire. Then things will get ugly. And don't let this statement give you any ideas.

If you live in America, you have it waaaaaaay better than the rest of the world, especially the people in third world countries.

So examine thyself.

I say, let's swarm the government with letters, or bottles of tobasco sauce, if you're willing to pay for postage. I mean, if you can afford to shop at the 99 cent store, you can afford a stamp, right?

I Can Lie Just Like You (Mainly a note on anonymity)

2011-12-11T16:05:00.002-05:00

This is one of those “heat of the moment” blog entries, so I'm kind of angry, but I will try to keep this civil and rational.
Remember when formspring was big? Many people I knew had a formspring account, and even I had one. One distinctive feature of formspring was being able to ask people questions anonymously. Of course, in the society in which we live, people “grow balls” (pardon the expression) when they have anonymity. The person on the receiving end does not know it's you who's doing the talking, so it's not like they can track you down in person if you say something offensive or upsetting.
My formspring got attacked. I checked off the option to publish my answers to facebook, and this incited more people to go to my formspring and ask questions. People hated the fact that I would talk about my faith on there. (Remember, folks, “freedom of speech” doesn't apply to Christians. It does on the books, but it doesn't in real life, because hearing the name of Jesus really rattles people. It makes them uncomfortable. This idea of a God that loves them and died for them offends them—I don't know why. Salvation's free.)
Anyway, if you want to see the kind of questions I got, you can take a look here (scroll down for the more heated stuff):
http://www.formspring.me/nicolemarie1991

Continuing—I've had tumblr for awhile now (http://nicolemarie1991.tumblr.com (yes, I'm shamelessly plugging my blogs here)) and today I decided to uncheck the option to receive anonymous questions on there because of this “question” (it wasn't even a question):

“just want to say that u talk about how lonely u are a lot. i also know that ur intersted in a guy. constantly talking about how lonely u r is only gonna be a turn off for him.”

A few things here:
1.)Not bad, right? No cursing me out, no dissing my faith, no name calling. But...
2.)I already have an idea of who this person might be, and if they can't submit a question via their user name, that's called being a coward.
3.)This person hardly ever acknowledged me on tumblr (maybe once) and when I see them in real life, they hardly acknowledge me (if this is indeed the person who I believe think it is). So what gives them the right to randomly come out of the blue and say something like this to me now? I would understand if this were a good friend, and we were out drinking coffee, and they tactfully suggested I not broadcast my lonely disease to the world. But this person went anonymous and basically told me I can't get anyone because I am openly lonely.
4.)How do they know I like someone!? I've dropped hints here and there I guess, but I always figured this person never paid attention to me anyway.

So now on tumblr if someone wants to tell me something/ask a question, they have to use their username.
What point am I trying to make here? First, don't be anonymous. Unless you want to say something nice. If someone says something nice and they're anonymous, I'm all for it. But if you want to give advice, or even ridicule, you should use your freaking name. Be mature and own what you say.

My second point is this: if people can say the f-word, post slutty pictures, and wreak havoc on other people's lives over the internet, then why shouldn't I be able to proclaim my faith freely and talk about my loneliness? I'm not hurting anybody.
Chances are the guy I like does not even like me at all. (It feels like middle school all over again.) So whether or not me saying how lonely I am is a turn-off for him will always be a mystery to me, because I have no clue if he even pays attention to what I post online. What I will say is this: whatever guy I end up with in the future will be able to accept my honesty, and (I would hope) appreciate it. Because I don't bury my feelings—I like to have them out in the open. And I KNOW I am not the only one that feels the way I do. With me, what you see is what you get. And hey, maybe someone else who's lonely is reading what I write, and at least they know they are not alone in their loneliness (haha).
Lastly, I write about my feelings online because I can. And I hope people read what I write, and I HOPE someone actually cares. Because I only know a few people who care enough about me to actually talk to me once in awhile. I don't know why. I am a nice person (I think), I don't hold grudges, and when I'm on campus I try to say hello to everyone I know. But this has been the story of my life, this failure to connect, this inability to have staying power when it comes to people. Part of it is because I'm a commuter. Part of it is because I'm white. And part of it is because I've been damaged.

But I've also been healed, thanks to God.

Talk to my face. <3

-Nicole

P.S. For the past, I dunno, ten years, I haven't been able to say that I've had a “best friend.” I just haven't. I've had some good friends, some close friends, but I still never found a best friend.

Until my grandma and I had a conversation a few weeks ago. My grandma's been a Christian for 35 years and she is now at a point in her life where she can't start her day without praying, and she can't end it without praying, either. She doesn't see it as a chore—she genuinely loves God and wants to talk to Him (although I guess sometimes she might feel like not praying. After all, she is human). Anyway, I visited her once and we were talking about the Lord, and I remember her encouraging me to talk to Him, saying, “And remember—He's your best friend.”

After all these years, years of divorce, dealing with mental illness in my family, having ulcers, having IBS, having panic disorder and depression, going through break-ups—the only one who has stood by me this entire time is God.

So Jesus is my best friend. :)

Why I Do What I Do

2011-11-25T00:29:00.001-05:00

This one's bound to be a real eye-opener.
So, as some of you know, I enjoy making videos. I also take quite a few pictures here and there and I really like to write. You may wonder, though, why I enjoy doing these things—especially since I'm posting them online where people can see.

When I was little, I spent a lot of my childhood playing by myself. I have one sibling—my sister who is six years older—but she was often busy doing homework. Since she has a visual processing problem, she had difficulty with reading comprehension, so my mom would sit with her for hours at the dining room table doing homework.
My dad—back when he was living with us—rented out an office for his ministry duties. Even though he's a pastor, he never had a church office because he always rented buildings. He mostly preferred not to do his pastor stuff at home, so he would go to his office around 10 or 11 in the morning, and come back around 4:30 in the afternoon. He would spend some quality time with me, but after about 45 minutes he would reach for the phone and say, “Okay, Daddy has to make a phone call now.”
We weren't ones for spontaneity. I had friends at school but if they were to come over my mom wanted it planned in advance. Back then, my parents did not have the “come over anytime” mindset.
Thank God I had a good imagination. Like many kids, I pretended my toys could talk, and I would talk to them. Sometimes, I would dress up, putting on a slip over my sweatsuit, and sing about my life as a princess about to be sent off to an evil scientist's lab (admittedly, my imagination was a bit twisted, but I'm sure that doesn't shock you).
I never fit in at school—not then, and not so much now, either, I feel. (Though in college you can always find like-minded people to hang out with. Popularity doesn't seem to matter as much). The beauty of public school is that it's big enough to have a diverse population of various personalities. I had friends, but I did not fit in.
My public school days ended in 2002, because PS 14 only went up to 5th grade. My social status became even lower when I got into my middle school years, because I went to a small school and I was “smart” and I had glasses and braces and acne and frizzy hair and people were just jealous I knew how to answer an essay question and they didn't.
Oh, and I was fairly flat-chested.
My creativity bloomed during these tumultuous years, however, and I wrote a play when I was 12 and kept a journal about my classmates when I was 13.
High school was rough because of my home life—by this point my parents were getting their divorce finalized and my dad's mental health (as well as his ministry) started taking a dive. I did join the Creative Writing Club at my school, though, and I contributed to the Literary Magazine. I even did some singing in the choir as well as solo performances.
By now you're probably wondering what the heck any of this has to do with my blogging/video editing/picture taking. I'm getting to it.
Now that I am in college, and I have lived two decades, I can look back with gratitude that despite all that has happened—and I only gave you the tip of the iceberg—God has kept his protective hand over my life. Many people in my situation would have ended up doing something drastic—but I had a praying mom, and God would not give up on me.
Being a commuter to my college has been, in short, somewhat painful. On the one hand, I get to stay home where I can eat good food, share a bathroom with only my mom and my sister, and have my laundry done once a week when my mom goes to the laundromat. However, there is a major sense of isolation. I cannot tell you how many times I've gone on Facebook and seen pictures of my friends having a good time without me—and how sad it makes me feel. How alone. Then I start to wonder, “Why didn't anyone let me know they were celebrating so-and-so's birthday?” or “Even though they all got drunk, I still wish I was there to take embarrassing pictures” or “I love playing (insert game here)! I never get to play it! I wish I had known they were going to get together and play (name of game).” Simple little things, I know.
So, what does one do to interact with others when they're alone in their room?
I write blog entries in hope that someone actually does care enough to read. I rarely get any actual comments, but I like to think that someone I know read the entry and understands how I feel (I know I do get occasional readers because I check my stats).
I make videos because I am bored. I also want to showcase my snarky sense of humor and replicate the feeling of actually talking to someone. In short, the camera keeps me company. Except the camera is just a symbol for all of you lovely folks out there who are watching me. Or not.
I post videos of me singing my songs on facebook because I just want to share my music. Maybe my heartfelt lyrics have helped someone. Maybe someone out there saw another side of me. Whatever.
My picture-taking habit goes back a few years. Given the amount of unpleasant memories I have, I want to make good memories, and I like being able to capture these moments with my camera (this is also the same reason why I like to record videos, randomly).
Some of you probably see me as an attention-whore who is seeking approval, especially since I am one of the many girls who is estranged from her father. This may be partially true, but it's not always the reason why I make stuff and post it online. And even when it is the reason, it's only partially the reason.
So anyway, yes, I'm lonely and I'm constantly trying to connect.
I'll speak for anyone who will listen.
I'm just waiting for someone to remember I exist.

(In all fairness, I give props to my friend Caleb, who says hi to me everyday on facebook chat. But the rest of you don't chat with me at all, unless I chat with you first, which gets tiring after awhile. So yeah.)

"I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!"

2011-10-13T22:44:00.003-04:00

You've probably seen the commercial--or at least you've heard the phrase that became a piece of minor pop cultural humor.

Anyway, if you haven't seen the commercial, here it is:

If you can get past the "strawng" Brooklyn accent, the line "I've fallen and I can't get up" might make you feel pretty sad.
Or maybe that's just me.

Both my grandmothers live alone, and both of them have had their fair share of falls from time to time. They both now have the Life Alert system, partially because my aunts and uncles insisted they have it.

I do not know why, but the image of an old woman on the floor being unable to get up really saddens me. I guess it's partly because I think of my grandmothers. It's also because maybe I'm scared that will be me one day--sprawled out on a floor, alone, feeling hurt and unable to call for help.

The line can also have underlying spiritual implications. Obviously, the advertisers did not intend for that. How often, though, have we fallen in life and felt like we can't get up? Either because of a lost job, or the death of a loved one, or facing a tough physical illness, or even--especially--after we make a big mistake.

I'm not going to lie--I'm at a pretty low point in my life right now. Not too low--I know I've had much lower points in the past. But right now, I feel a little lost and a little down. This semester has been tougher than the last one in terms of workload. I don't get to see my friends on campus much these days because of time, work, and schedule constraints. The dynamics at home between my mom, sister, and I are not bad but could be better. There seems to be some sort of fog that we're in--morale is not high, that's for sure. My stomach, thank God, has been doing a lot better--but now I'm eating more and gaining weight. In fact, I pig out on junk food almost every night before I go to sleep. I don't have an eating disorder--it's just that for 4 years I was too sick to do this kind of thing, and I guess now I'm going overboard with satisfying my cravings. I'm single, still, of course, and this has been an issue I think about every day. It doesn't have to be an issue. I'm just lonely and I crave to be held. By a guy. I've made plenty of mistakes, and lately I feel like I'm barely a Christian :( even though I still am.

I think all of this can be resolved simply--I need to read the Bible and pray everyday. I've been feeling restless and looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places, but in the end, only God can help me and fill that void I've been feeling in my life.

I often get scared that I've fallen too far and I can't get up--but it's not true! I can still cry out to God and ask Him to lift me up.

My dad had this saying years ago--"Those who don't ask, don't receive." If you're like me, and you're wondering why God hasn't been doing anything in your life, then
A) realize that even though you can't see/feel it right now, God is still moving
and
B) don't blame God for not helping you if you haven't even asked for His help!

Anyway, that's all i have to say about this. I need to go read my Bible and pray...

<3 Nicole

My Name is Nicole Vacca, and I Endorse These Products

2011-09-30T23:22:00.003-04:00

Within the past year of my life, I've been through some pretty tough things--ulcers, IBS, panic disorder, and the wonderful side effects that come with taking meds. Throughout these minor hardships, however, I developed an appreciation for products I would have otherwise never used.

1. G2 Gatorade--There are 2 types of IBS. I happen to have the one that does NOT cause constipation, if you get my drift. So, in the fall of my sophomore year, I started drinking gatorade. Quite frequently, I might add. I had a fear of dehydration. I also felt thirsty all the time because ulcers apparently cause thirst. In the spring of my sophomore year, my body started getting better but my mind snapped, and I got panic disorder. It was a long time coming, you could say. There are 2 types of panic attacks--high blood pressure, when you feel really hot; and low blood pressure, when you feel cold and you feel like passing out. I usually get low blood pressure panic attacks, so nothing was more comforting during a panic attack than guzzling gatorade like a pickup truck guzzles gas. Once I started taking meds, I found out that one of the medications caused the side effect of slightly lower blood pressure. So again, gatorade came in handy. I recommend G2 as the artificial sweeteners are easier on the stomach--and for some odd reason, the G2 flavors just taste better.

2. Biotene gum--one of the joys of being on meds is the side effect of DRY MOUTH. Dry mouth can make eating plain tortilla chips feel like pouring hot coals into your mouth. Sure, drinking water helps. But another issue that comes with dry mouth is that it makes you more susceptible to cavities. So I chew Biotene gum, which is made specifically for people with dry mouth and it won't burn your mouth when you chew it--unlike other sugarless gums like Dentyne Ice. Also, Biotene is made with Xylitol, which is often found in some other sugarless gums, like Trident and Orbit.

3. Corn pops--When the IBS was bad, I had to really watch what I ate. Eating more than one forbidden food in a day could trigger a flare-up--and I didn't bounce back quickly from flare-ups. Of course, I craved the foods I shouldn't eat, such as cheese puffs and sweets. One day, i decided on a whim to try corn pops, as a nutritionist recommended I try snacking on dry cereal. I actually really liked them! It helped take the edge off the cravings, and I kept a box of them in my room next to my bed.

4. Essential Elements Lavendar and Cedarwood candle--in my family I was notorious for hating scented candles. There always seemed to be an abundance of them, and my mom frequently received them as gifts. I would always say, "Nothing says 'I didn't know what to get you' like a scented candle!" I ended up eating my own words, though, because I decided to buy this candle during a shopping spree at CVS. (Yeah, I like to shop at CVS.) When I would get an IBS flare-up, it would stress me out emotionally (getting sick a lot takes a toll on you after awhile, you know). So sometimes I would retreat to my room, turn on my Dr. Scholls electric foot massager, light this candle, and read Seventeen magazine. (Yep, I'm a real woman now, haha). I love the scent of this candle--the cedarwood adds a nice edge to the lavender.

5. Acidophilus--I saved this one for last. I have not had an IBS flare-up since last August (praise God). The last time I saw the GI (gastrointerologist, not GI Joe), one of his assistants recommended I start taking Acidophilus to help combat the flare-ups. I remember I had taken Acidophilus last year before I knew I had the ulcers, so it didn't help much during that time. However, I was willing to give it a second chance. I'm glad I did, because it really helped. Acidophilus is a natural probiotic that can be bought in your local drugstore. Plenty of brands manufacture it but I recommend the PharmAssure brand. I take it once a day after breakfast, as that is enough for me (although the instructions indicate that you can take it more than once a day).

*bonus recommendations:
Gentle Iron by Solgar--the ulcers led to me becoming anemic, so I had to start taking iron. Gentle Iron is non-constipating. Yay.

InTouch Magazine (the Dr. Charles Stanley one, not the tabloid)--you can subscribe to this and have it mailed to you for free at:
https://store.intouch.org/p-3992-in-touch-magazine.aspx
Anyway, when I was sick (both physically and mentally) I had a lot of ups and downs in my relationship with God--I felt hopeless, angry, confused, and despaired. Yet I cannot tell you how many times my mom would read InTouch, and she'd find a devotion in there that related to what I was going through at that time. It really encouraged me to keep pressing forward and not give up.

God bless and goodnight. <3
-Nicole-

Being Single: The Harsh Dichotomy of Liberty and Loneliness

2011-09-16T14:09:00.006-04:00

I have not written an entry in a long time, and I have ideas for a college-themed entry or two, but for now I just want to talk about this.

So as some of you already know, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me on March 12, 2011. That was after a relationship that lasted 2 years, 8 month, and a day. It has now been 5 months and 4 days since that breakup. And even though I felt liberated and happy in the beginning, it didn't take long before loneliness crept in.

When I was dating my ex, I would tell my single friends who would complain, "be happy when you're single, be happy when you're in a relationship. There's cons and pros to both. And there are days when i wish I was single again!"

So, now that I've been single for less than half a year, I will delve into the cons and pros of being single--and what that means for the general population. I don't have all the answers, I'm not an expert, I'm just a single, Christian, 20-year-old girl who lives life. And life is never easy.

Pros to being single:
1. LIBERTAD!--the day of the break-up, I felt surprisingly happy. Almost too happy. Like, I was taking it a little too well. That day, I got rid of the pictures, threw out my half mizpah necklace, and threw out the manila envelope full of movie stubs, short stories, cards, letters--basically, scrapbook materials that I was going to use for the day X and I would get married. Why was I so happy? Why did I let go so quickly? Well, I kind of saw it coming. No one else did. But I knew X well enough to know that when he has barely talked to you in 2 weeks, something is up. So when I called him that saturday morning, I sort of braced myself. And the thing is, I myself was feeling distanced from him. So when he said, "I'm not in love anymore," my initial thought was probably, "yeah, I've kind of felt the same way." If he hadn't broken up with me, I don't know how much longer I would have hung in there. But I was definitely getting bored with him. And the distance didn't help, because we couldn't be there for each other during hard times. (also, with long distance relationships, the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality can creep up and you can end up liking other people who are close by and you might feel closer to them than you do with your boyfriend.) Anyway, I knew love was a choice, and that when you get married, you're not going to feel passionately in love every single day. You're going to have mundane times, good and bad seasons, and so on. So I probably would have tried to make it work. But I still felt bored, annoyed, and distanced. The day of the breakup, I ironed my hair, dressed up pretty, grabbed my leather jacket and went to Barnes and Noble with my mom. That's where I first met X (he doesn't work there anymore).

Going back to the main point, yes, with being single there's this refreshing sense of freedom, independence, and having large hypothetical fields to run around in. You don't have to answer to a significant other. You can like a million guys at once and no one has to know. You can be subtly flirtatious without worrying about coming across as a cheater. There's suddenly more artistic inspiration. You feel a sense of adventure, and excitement for what's next. There are suddenly more possibilities in life. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Free time!--Relationships can be draining on many levels, but one aspect that is definitely drained is TIME. Typing a paper? Webcam with your boyfriend! Going to sleep? Don't count sheep, count the text messages clogging up your inbox. Three day weekend? Your boyfriend gets a 3 day vacation in your borough! (He moved to Long Island to live with his mom and step-dad after he graduated high school. His grandparents live in the Bronx, however). Better learn to settle for a B- paper, because that's all you'll get to type during his visit.

And then, once I was single again--voila! All this free time. I almost didn't know what to do with myself (facebook! movies! seeing other friends!). But yeah, when you're single you can focus more on other things--like school work, regular work, house work...oh, and other hobbies.

3. Creative inspiration!--what's more inspiring than a breakup? After the breakup, I switched my major from English to Communication. I wrote more song lyrics. I started making lyrics videos and posting them on my youtube channel. I could have done more writing, but yeah, I wrote! When I was in the relationship, there was a dearth of creativity, both for X and for me. I'm not saying relationships can't spark creativity, but if your life is becoming blah, the blah tends to bleed into everything else.

4. Work on your other relationships!--the most important one being my relationship with God. I can't tell you how many nights I was up late talking to X and yet I spent barely a minute talking to God the entire day. That shouldn't be. That's borderline idolatry. Heck, that is idolatry. X was more important to me than God was. Anything that replaces God in your heart is going to become an idol--anything that takes up too much of your time and attention and adoration.

Aside from that, hanging out with X was more important to me than hanging out with friends. I would ditch youth group to spend more alone-time with X. If X visited that weekend, I didn't hang out with any friends, just X. I spent most of my online time talking to X. The only person I bothered calling on the phone most of the time was X. Guess who I texted the most? X.
So after the breakup, I had to approach my friends and be like, "Um, hi, guys..."
I've learned, though, that in a relationship, MAKE SURE YOU STILL MAINTAIN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS. Don't put all your eggs in one basket--because if that basket tips over, you're screwed. Thankfully, I managed to stay on decent terms with my friends, so the only change was that I hung out with them more. Somewhat.

Of course, family relationships are important, too. I think if the relationship wasn't long distance, and X still lived in the Bronx, I probably would have spent less time with my family and more time with him. That didn't happen, though.

So now that I'm single, I've been focusing on my friendships more and just enjoying the single life--because once you're married, you're not going to be single. For the rest of your life.

Cons to being single:

1. Jealousy--Before X and I broke up, I was somewhat oblivious to the other relationships around me. Sometimes I would get jealous--"Oh, I wish our relationship was more like their relationship." "Oh, I wish we got to do the kind of things so-and-so and such-and-such get to do together." A few days after the breakup, though, one of my friends got engaged. And then a coincidental engagement trend began, and that one friend is now married and I know at least 4 other people who are engaged. 'Tis the age, I guess. After all, I am 20. Gosh, I'm 20. I might as well be a spinster by this point. (Just kidding.)

Nowadays I try to be happy for other people. But a few weeks ago I was chatting online with a guy friend of mine, and he was describing to me this wonderful date he just had with his girlfriend. He took her to a Michelin-rated, 3-star restaurant. They had a 3 course meal. They dressed up all nice. The place was so romantic. It was a night he'd never forget.

And hey, the guy had been single for quite a while before he and this girl got together, so I tried to show happiness for him and I tried to understand his excitement. But at the same time, I was screaming in my head

"SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It was like, why is he telling me all this? I don't want to hear about all the great stuff he gets to do while I'm stuck at home, alone in my room, attempting to focus on my homework. My mom's a great cook, but no, we don't eat chateaubriand in this house. To top it off, X never took me to a place THAT fancy.

But then I remembered: Oh, going to a fancy restaurant is not love. No, love is holding the bucket while your beloved is vomiting. Love is respecting their time constraints when they have several papers due in one week. Love is choosing to wait until marriage for sex, instead of getting your instant gratification now with the option of leaving them later.

Only time will tell for that couple...but getting back to my situation, yes, it's easier now for me to get jealous or envious.

2. Loneliness--cue the Christina Perri song "The Lonely." Or Roy Orbison's song "Only the Lonely." Or...you get the picture.
One time I was walking in Central Park with my mom, and we kept seeing couples. Like, we probably saw 4 or 5 couples as we were walking out. They were holding hands usually. Or sitting on a bench, talking. And I turned to my divorced mom and gave her a look like, "Psh, love. Whatever."

The big thing I noticed since the breakup up is that I don't miss X, I just miss being in a relationship. Having that someone to talk to and hold hands with. To go places with, and share new experiences with, and talk to when I'm upset. And sure, I can always talk to a friend or to my mom when I'm upset. But there's a certain reassurance that comes from talking to your significant other that no one else can give.

There's a certain sense of isolation I feel. Sure, I have friends. I have family. Most importantly, I have God. And yet, this icky, lonely feeling sometimes just takes over.

3. Going stag--This is a minor thing, but it's still something I've noticed. Any special occasion that comes up--any wedding, any dance--I'll be going stag. When I was at my cousin Vito's wedding last August, I felt bad when slow songs would come on and I had no one to dance with. My sister, of course, mentioned several times before the wedding, "Well, Picky, looks like we're going to be going solo." Yes, Izzo, I KNOW.

4. Physical deprivation--Before multiple people get on my case here, let me clarify something--I'M NOT REFERRING TO SEX. Get it? Got it? Good.
There's just something nice about holding hands with someone you love. Or sharing a sweet kiss. Or getting an extended hug. Which leads me to the fact that I am a statistic.

"A statistic of what, Nicole? You're not pregnant!"

Ok, I don't know if there are any formal stats for this, but I am a member of the overwhelmingly large group of girls who are estranged from their dad. Some have lost their dad to death. Some to divorce. Some to workaholism. I lost my dad to mental illness. And the Daddy I had when I was a little girl doesn't exist anymore. And often times, teen moms don't have a dad. Or, their dad lives with them but doesn't have a good relationship with them.

Why is that? Because all these girls wanted was love, someone to hold them, someone to tell them it would all be okay. They ended up with guys who took advantage of their vulnerability, used them for sex, and got them pregnant.

Ok, so maybe not all those boyfriends were intentionally taking advantage of their girlfriends' situation. But sadly, this is the way society is.

My dad left when I was 12, and was in and out of my life for awhile. You know those sweet moments when your dad gives you a nice big hug, or you'll be crying and he will put his arm around you? Yeah--I don't get that. And it's tough. And sure, my mom could put her arm around me if I'm upset but it just feels awkward. I'm generally not a touchy/feely kind of person. I don't like people playing with my hair, rubbing my arm, sitting close to me in a vehicle--unless they're my boyfriend. That's just how I am.

So sometimes I feel sad that I have no one to hold me. And I sometimes observe the guy-girl interactions in my youth group, and even people who are "just friends" give big hugs or put their arms around each other. Me? I have no one. I am virtually untouched, with the exception of kissing people hello or giving them the quick, awkward hug. When I visit my dad, we give each other a one-armed hug hello and kiss the air next to each others' cheeks. Gosh, this reminds me of Natalie Wood's relationship with her dad in the movie "Rebel Without a Cause." (Otherwise known as "Movie Without a Plot.")

5. The void--This could go back to loneliness/physical deprivation, but it's also something else entirely. After my parents got divorced, my mom felt from time to time that she missed having a husband. Which, of course, is natural. When I was little, my family would eat breakfast together on Saturday mornings, and then my dad would shoo Izzo and I out of the dining room so he could spend some time talking to mom while he finished his coffee. Now, my mom doesn't have that experience. On saturdays, she sits with Izzo and I for breakfast and then we chit chat about various topics and then we swallow our pills and start the day. Anytime we had to drive far, it was usually for a family function. And my dad would drive there, not my mom. So, my mom doesn't drive on the highway, and we're basically stranded in the Bronx, reliant on others' kindness to take us to my aunt's house in Long Island or my relatives' houses in Westchester. My mom misses having my dad in the driver seat while she sat beside him. And there's plenty more that she misses.

God saw Adam and said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helpmate for him." The story of Adam and Eve is one I think about often. Is it possible to live single for your entire life? Sure. But it's also lonely. And God can totally fill our voids--but the way I see it, it's still not the same as having someone physically there. Marriage is more than procreation. When your child gets married one day, you will be alone with your spouse. Until one of you dies. Unless you are like the couple in "The Notebook" and you die at the same time. Or unless the rapture happens before then. Then you don't have to worry about dying.

The point is, we are designed for companionship. "No man is an island." We need family and friends--and most of us feel the need for a significant other.

6. Perception change--I have to make sure every day that I don't look like crap--because I never know who I'm going to meet. When I was dating X, my appearance in school didn't matter as much, because he wasn't there and I didn't feel the need to impress anybody. I wasn't a slob--but I wasn't a fashion plate either.

Every time I go to a Christian event, I keep my eyes peeled for the guys in the room. Mentally, I size them up. And no, I haven't met anyone yet. Nobody totally "blows me away." No one has the full package I'm looking for.

One of the more recent blog entries I wrote was "The Standards for the Next Guy." Do I sound picky? Yeah, I do. Is there a guy out there who can possibly fit those standards?

Yes, there is. Believe it or not. Oh, if only I went to Valley Forge Christian College or Southeastern University, like some of my friends opted to. They're surrounded by Jesus fish. There are plenty of fish in their sea. Me? I don't even have a sea. I have a stagnant puddle in New York. The pickings are slim, and frankly, no one is very compatible with me. And no one seems to be looking to fish me out either, save for maybe 1.

My sister used to envy me when I was dating X. She's been single much longer than I have. She had her first boyfriend when she was 16. They broke up when she was 17. She's been single since then and is now 26.

I DON'T WANT THAT TO BE ME.

"Oh, but Nicole, why don't you just, you know, open an account on Christianmingle.com?"

I want to meet this guy in person. I do not want to "use a mouse to find a spouse," as Jeanne Mayo would put it. If 5 years have passed and I start to feel REALLY desperate, THEN I'll resort to the online dating site.

So yeah, at least now I have more empathy for my sister. But being in the same boat makes me scared. That could very well happen to me, and I feel like time is running out, the end of the world is nearer now more than ever, and I have to hurry up and get married and lose my virginity before the world ends!

"But if losing your virginity is that important to you, why don't you just, you know, go ahead and do it?"

I want to wait until I'm married. And also, I want to know what the heck I'm waiting for. I pledged to be abstinent until I'm married, and I want to reap the reward of waiting. I mean, should the world end before I have a chance to get married, I shouldn't get upset and juvenile and whatever. An eternity in God's presence is far more greater than anything on this planet, including sex. But my gosh, right now, I'm just a frustrated virgin. Proud, but unhappy.

Okay, thanks, bye.

Withdrawing from a Class/Taking a Summer Class

2011-06-05T08:57:00.000-04:00

Hey, everyone! It has been awhile since I last posted a blog entry, and this past semester had been quite an experience for me so I was kind of preoccupied with other things to keep posting.

Sometimes I post personal stuff here, but the blog is still called "Musings of a Female College Student," so I want to take some time and talk about collegiate stuff.

This past semester (Spring 2011) started off pretty well. I liked my teachers, my classes seemed interesting, so on and so forth. However, when I registered for these classes, I was not prepared for the amount of reading that would await me.

I fell behind almost immediately.

About 2 or 3 weeks into the semester, I started having panic attacks. Even when I wasn't having a panic attack, I felt buzzed. I was very tense, shakey, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had dry mouth and I was afraid to talk sometimes because I was trying to conserve breath. When I woke up in the morning I would cry and dread the day.

I told my therapist about these things, and she agreed that I should go on meds. Of course, all of these things going on affected my academic experience, so I chose to withdraw from a class so I can do better in my 4 other classes. Ironically, I withdrew from a Roots of Literature class, and that was pretty shameful given that I was still an English major at that time (I'll talk about why I changed my major in another blog entry).

I strategically chose what class I wanted to withdraw from. I picked the Roots of Literature class because the teacher made the course too challenging for me. Also, this was my earliest class--9 AM--so I figured it was worth dropping for that reason alone.

Withdrawing from a class does not mean you get a 0. You just get a W. It does not affect your GPA whatsoever. However, there is the issue of making up credits. Also, this class is still part of my core, so I'm going to have to retake it sometime.

That said, in order to have 15 credits by next fall (because I would not want to take 6 classes in the fall, that's for sure) I decided to take a summer class. At Manhattan College, summer classes are broken up into 3 sessions--Summer I, Summer II, and Summer III. So depending on how early in the summer you want to take your class, you have to register for a class within that session's time frame. I chose to go with Summer I, because it ran from May 24th until June 9th. I registered for my third science class, because I have to take 3 for my core, even though science has nothing to do with my major.

So now I'm taking Intro to Meteorology. With all that's been going on with the weather lately, it's a very relevant-to-life class. The professor also makes the class interesting, and he likes to play music in the beginning of class and during lab. It's easier to retain what I learn because the class is condensed into 2 and a half weeks.

You don't want to make a habit of withdrawing--so my advice is if you realize from the get-go that a class is going to be too difficult, try to switch out within the first week of the semester and transfer to another class. I didn't withdraw from this class until almost half-way through the semester, and even if I wanted to switch to another class, it was already too late. I did not even voluntarily register for the class I withdrew from--I was placed there along with several other students by the registrar. It can happen. I originally registered for another professor's Roots of Literature class.

Going back to summer classes, they can be kind of costly. I think we got a little discount because withdrew by a certain point of the semester, but it still cost a lot.

So, bottom line, there's no shame in withdrawing if you really have to. Don't make it a habit, though, because making up credits and taking summer classes are both expensive.

This was kind of a dry entry, but it was college-related and relevant, so I felt like writing it anyway.

The Standards for the Next Guy

2011-04-22T19:05:00.002-04:00

First of all, chances are you're reading this post because either A) you're curious to see what my standards are (either because you're interested or you want to make fun of me) or B) you're bored. Either way, hi!!!

Ok. So my ex and I broke up on March 12, 2011. It has been one month and 10 days since the break up. I'm not looking to date anyone anytime soon because I dated my ex for 2 years, 8 months, and a day. That is a long time to not be single. And I am currently enjoying being single.

So. This is a general idea of what criteria the next guy needs to meet if I ever [again] meet a guy who's interested in dating me.

1. Must be a Christian--there is no going around this one. The Bible says not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. So the guy must be a Christian. If he just became a Christian yesterday, he doesn't count. I do not date novices. If he is one of those Christians that acts one way in church and another way out in the world, he doesn't count. He must be serious about the things of God. He must have good standards that he holds himself up to.

2. He must be fun--I want to know that I can act like a kid with this guy. That we can go on the swings at the park or play frisbee or go to Chuck E. Cheese without him feeling self-conscious. I want him to give me piggy-back rides without being begrudging.

3. He must be funny--Marilyn Monroe said if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. That quote does not apply to me, but there is a little truth to it. I can't stand a guy who does not have a sense of humor. I'm not talking about caustic (mean) humor, nor am I talking about dirty humor. Just good humor. Like the ice cream lol.

4. He must be creative--if he can write, draw, play an instrument, sing--any of these are good. I want to be able to collaborate with him on little (or big) projects.

5. He must be attractive--I'm not saying he has to look like Brad Pitt--and quite honestly, Brad Pitt is soooo not my type. I'm not exactly a blushing rose myself, so yeah. But if there is no physical attraction, it's just not going to work. And this is just the way it is. When it comes to looks, I have eccentric tastes. lol. Someone you might think is ugly I might think is totally adorable.

6. He must be honest, hardworking, trustworthy, responsible--these are all qualities I admire in any guy. I'm not really casual when it comes to dating. If I don't see the guy as someone I could marry down the road, I don't bother wasting my time. He must be a prospective mate. No, I don't want to date someone who's obsessed with working and making money. But he should at least have a job. And he should at least put a good effort in whatever he does.

7. He must be strong--I'm not referring to physical strength here. I mean he must be strong in his faith in God, and he should be emotionally strong. I'm not looking for Stonewall Jackson--I don't want to date a guy who has no emotions whatsoever. But I don't want a total sap who breaks down easily or a quick tempered angsty brat. I have emotional problems--I have panic disorder and a little depression. So he must be strong to begin with, because he's going to have to be strong enough to handle me.

8. He must be able to handle my bluntness--because I am blunt. No, I am not going to give disgusting details about my menstrual cycle. But if he calls me up and asks how I'm doing, I might say things like, "I had diarrhea this morning, but I went solid this afternoon." (I have IBS, so this happens once in awhile.) He needs to be able to handle hearing that. He's a guy. I don't want him to be all, "Ewww, spare me the details."

That's basically it. I have a list of "it would be nice if's" but some of them are so silly it's not worth posting lol.

-Nicole-

The Wait

2010-11-27T21:39:00.001-05:00

We were kneeling upright on the floor, facing each other. On the floor next to us was a pile of empty cans of Full Throttle energy drink.
“I can't do this!” I yelled.
Sweat dripped from his brow. “We have to.”
“I know...but...I'm so tired!” I sighed.
“Stay awake.” his hands urgently gripped my shoulders, as if the pain of his tight grasp could keep me from falling asleep.
I gazed at him with sleepy eyes. “You know you're tired, too.”
“You're making this harder for me!” he cried.
“I'm sorry!” I was exasperated by this point. I was ready to collapse right there, sitting up.
He looked away from me, fixing his gaze at the mountain of cans next to us. It was hard to tell exactly how he was feeling. The only way I can think to describe it is...disappointment. He was probably thinking to himself, “Can't she see the effort I'm making here? How difficult this is for me? How can she be so ungrateful?”
I gently tilted his face back to me. “Hey...I really am sorry. I don't want to make this harder for you.”
He sighed heavily. “Look. We're both in this together. I'm strong, but I can't do this without your help. We need each other's support if we're going to see this through.”
Tears rolled down my face. “I know. I just wish it was easier. I wish this would all be over faster.”
He wiped my tears with his thumbs. “Baby,” he said soothingly. “We can do this. God is on our side.”
I nodded. Then I popped open another can of Full Throttle.

Three hours later we were grasping each others' faces, holding each others' eyes open.
“Hang in there, Babe. You're doing great.”
“How...much...longer?”
“I can see the sky starting to turn light blue in one corner of the horizon. So I'm going to guess maybe about two more hours, three more hours?”
“I don't think I can make it.” I gasped.
“You can. Here. This is the last can of Full Throttle.”
“I'm going to die.”
“Don't be dramatic. Here. Drink.”
I gulped from the can.
“We're almost there.” he encouraged.
“Almost” meant a few more hours.
“Let's talk about something.” I suggested.
“What would you like to talk about?”
“Anything.”
“Ok...when I was a kid, my aunt had this really big dog. And every summer we'd spend a week at her house and swim in her pool. Well, one year, the kid next door...”

Three hours passed. I was looking around the room by this point, scrutinizing the color patterns of the furniture. I found myself returning to the couch, which looked brown at first glance but actually had several hues weaved into it—reds, greens, yellows--
He fell asleep.
It happened so suddenly. One second, he was upright, staring at me, and the next, he was lying on his side, his head snuggled against the carpet.
“Martin?” I tried to wake him, but it was no use. “Martin!” I shook his shoulder. “Wake up, Martin! Wake--”
Suddenly, I saw a sliver of light against the wall. I peered at the vertical blinds in the bay window of my living room. Sure enough, the sun had finally come up, and it was now safe to sleep.
I laid next to Martin on the floor, wrapping his arm around me. I thought he was deeply asleep, but I suddenly felt him kiss my ear.
“I'm proud of you, babe. We made it.” he whispered.
“By the grace of God, Sweetie. By the grace of God.”

Haven't Written in a While, So...

2010-09-25T11:53:00.002-04:00

This semester is going pretty well so far. I feel like I don't have as much work as I had last semester, and I hope that doesn't change.

I don't have a least favorite class yet. My favorite class is probably either Intro to Literary Studies or Elements of Film.

Elements of Film is probably the most demanding class I have, simply because of the time it takes up. We meet twice a week for two hours, and then on Thursdays we have the film screening after class, so it's like having class for 4 hours that day. The assignments aren't too hard, though. In fact, they're kind of fun--we do blog entries about the film we watched. They have to be more serious than a film review, though--these are more for film analysis purposes. If you're ever bored and feel like checking out my Elements of Film blog, here's the link:
http://www.beautifullikewords.wordpress.com
I took my name from the title of an Elijah Wyman song.

Outside of classes, I feel like I'm going to be pretty active this semester. I joined radio with my friend Kat, and soon we will have a radio show on our college station, which will be internet-wide for the first time this year! So, I'm pretty excited. We plan to have our show from 12pm to 1pm on Thursdays (if that time changes, I'll let you know). We haven't started yet, but I reckon we might start Thursday October 7th. To listen live, go to:
http://www.wrcmradio.org
It's going to be mostly rock music, with a focus on non-mainstream bands. Mostly catchy stuff. There will probably be the occasional hip hop or pop tune. No Nickelback. Since most of my music is Christian, there will be some Christian bands played. We call our segment "The Mixtape Hour" because it's just a mix of various bands and songs. We will be playing music from bands such as Weezer, Muse, Jimmy Eat World, The Dark Romantics, FM Static, and Children 18:3.

I'm also the productions manager (AKA head of layout staff) for Manhattan Magazine. The real meat of my work, though, won't be until next semester...and that will be pretty strenuous. In the meantime, I can go to submissions meetings and rate submissions. Our first deadline is October something...like the 22nd or something. If you're a Manhattan College student and would like to submit a photo, artwork, poem, or short story, shoot an email to manhattan.magazine@gmail.com .
There's no limit to how much you can submit.

Sadly, I cannot attend Christ in Your Life meetings this semester because of my Thursday film screenings. I can only stop by for like 10 to 15 minutes. So I haven't been going. =[

I haven't been too lonely this semester, as Kat often has the same breaks in her schedule that I have. So we play frisbee and listen to music and stuff. My friend Rich also has some breaks that are simultaneous to mine.

All in all, things are going well.

Almost too well, which makes me worried that something bad is coming.

Maybe a bad grade on a paper, or a fight with a friend, or....

I can't live in the what-ifs.

The most important thing I can do is not lose sight of God. I have to work on my relationship with Him. I am grateful that things are going so well, but when things go bad, and when people turn on me, or when trying times come, the only thing that doesn't change is who God is, and how much He loves me.

I miss Mike, and I keep saying I may not see him until Christmas. It does seem a long way off. Hopefully we'll see each other sooner.

I had the strangest dream last night, and it involved technological gadgets. It's too complicated to describe, though. lol

Ok. This was just an update, because there's nothing huge to write about right now.

I just wonder why our newspaper, The Quadrangle, didn't come out last week.

Ready to Go Back!

2010-08-17T23:55:00.002-04:00

I just realized I did not write any entries for May. Perhaps because I was busy getting ready for finals!

Ok. This summer is 102 days long. That's about 3 and a half months long.

That's a really long time to not be in school.

But school is less than 2 weeks away now, and I gotta say, I'm pretty pumped to go back.

Aside from the fact that I genuinely like being in school (though I'm not 100% thrilled about every single class), I'm looking forward to being in Riverdale again, back on the campus, and seeing my friends and acquaintances. And I hope some transfers came in my grade. And who knows--maybe I'll make friends with some freshmen! The cool thing about college is that the grade differences aren't as obvious as they are in high school. I've shared some of my classes with seniors last year. It wasn't a big deal.

Of course, I do have a few worries. What if I end up losing the friends I do have? What if I end up being overloaded with work? What if--as the semester wears on--I have to start taking the bus every day?

I do have my driver's license now, but I sadly no longer have a car =[. So the way my mom and I worked it out is that I would drive our car on mondays, tuesdays, and thursdays, with her in the passenger seat so she can drive herself to work. Idk how that's going to work out honestly, but we'll see. Then, wednesdays and fridays I'll take the bus (classes start later on those days).

I have a 9:00 am class this semester as well as a class that ends at 6:05 pm, so that is why mondays, tuesdays, and thursdays are driving days.

Another main fear of mine: repeating mistakes from last year. I hope I really have learned from them, but I guess I have to wait and see.

Here's what I learned from last year (if this is repetitive in lieu of previous entries, I apologize):

1. Do not mooch off/suck the blood out of friends who dorm. I do think it's partially their fault that things didn't work out, but I am willing to take part of the blame for things going sour between me and that group of guys I hung out with during the fall semester. I was often in their dorm rooms. I was constantly eating their food. (It is here that I will say that being a commuter kind of sucks. End of random point.) Albeit, I TOLD THE GUYS "If I ever get annoying, please let me know." They didn't. But I still felt like my company was unwanted! Or that they were apathetic towards my presence. I'm a girl! I need conversation! Which brings me to my next point...

2. You need friends of both genders. When the fall semester started, I came to MC fresh from my little, all-girl Catholic high school in "the nice part of the Bronx." Even though I had hung around guys during those four years of high school (because I went to youth ministry at my church), I still was not used to having guys around, like, every day. In my classroom, no less. But believe me, I was excited. A little too excited.

My mind was like, "YES! Oh my gosh, GUYS! This is great! Guys are so funny! Guys are so fun! Guys never PMS! Guys aren't catty or clique-ish! Guys are guys!"

I had already made several guy friends at orientation, and then their group expanded, and yeah. Sometimes there was one other girl around, but quite often, it was me and the guys. And I kind of liked being the only girl. (Don't ask why--I already have a boyfriend.)

But after awhile, I noticed some things: I can't play video games. Never learned. They LOVE to play video games.

It's that time of the month. I'm feeling rather sensitive. They don't know--they don't care.

And then--my favorite--

GUYS ARE NOT MUCH DIFFERENT THAN GIRLS.

"What!? Hold on there, Nicole. It's time for a brief little bio lesson...."

What I mean IS, guys can also gossip, be somewhat clique-ish, and PMS.

That's right. GUYS PMS.

Most [normal] guys don't. However, I can say that I have met some guys who clearly have some emotional issues. I'm talking, like, mood swings. In an almost bipolar fashion.

I (thankfully) do have friends who are girls now. And they're really chill. =]

But now, on to my next point, which relates back to those guys:

3. Don't hang around people who treat you like a doormat. Sometimes--especially in the fall--I felt like I didn't have much of an option. In order to hang out with the whole group, I had to put up with the one person who was mistreating me. In that situation, though, I felt like the group didn't really care what happened to me, so I didn't have too much trouble breaking off with them.

Though I had a lot of lonely anguish for awhile afterwards.

But then, in the spring, I started to work my way into another group--the j-6 crew. And the head honcho of that floor was "Nameless."

Nameless was a funny sort of lad. Sometimes, he would be really nice to you. He'd want you to sing, or he'd be willing to give you his M+Ms, or he'd walk you to the pizzeria. But then, Nameless would constantly seek to pick an argument with you. That was the way Nameless was--he loved to argue. But then the argument would go nowhere, and both sides would get frustrated.

Nameless could sometimes make you feel really strange. I would liken him to a wolf, but I don't even know if that's the right animal for him. Maybe chameleon? No.... Snake? Nah...

Nameless was Nameless. And one day, in this very summer, Nameless and I got into a very heated argument over facebook chat (more heated I guess than our usual fb chat arguments, which btw, I never seek out), leading me to delete him from my friend list. I had enough of Nameless. He mistreated me in a somewhat different way from the last guy.

4. No one's gonna replace my boyfriend. It's strange in a way--and I'm sure I'm not the only person who's done this. But being in a long distance relationship really, really sucks, ok? And so, I think, psychologically, I felt some sort of weird boyfriend void, even though I already have a boyfriend. This probably is another reason I tended to gravitate towards guys--I wanted the company of a guy.

No, I didn't cheat on my boyfriend. And no, I have no plans to in the future. It's just hard to explain this. But I felt like I had plenty of Jacob Blacks in the past year. But none of them could compare to my Edward Cullen.

And this is the part where I say, "*Psh* Ha! Most of those guys probably couldn't give two...uh...red cows about me! A lot of them probably tolerated me because they felt bad for me or they just wanted to be nice. While I talked, they probably thought, 'Man, when is she ever going to leave!?'"

Ok, so maybe some genuinely enjoyed my company. Some didn't mind it. And some probably couldn't stand me.

But guess what, guys? That's why I state and restate my "if i ever get annoying, tell me to get lost" disclaimer! So you can't complain about me later if you clearly had the option to get rid of me!

i need to calm down.

Ok. *sigh* Because I never really fit in anywhere for my entire life, I've been convinced that I'm just a very unlikable person. I like myself. I just don't think many others like me. And it makes me wonder what's wrong with me. But I never stop and think, "gee, maybe i'm not the problem after all."

To bring this point full-circle (because I'm getting waaaaay off topic here), I would like to state that my boyfriend, for reasons unbeknownst to myself--genuinely likes me. Not only does he like me--he loves me. Crazy, right? I question it myself sometimes....

I think the fact that we both love Jesus helps.

5. There is a way to witness. (And here is the part of my blog entry where I apologize for being very brash thus far. I'm sorry.) I don't shy away from sharing my faith with people. I don't randomly seek people out, but if the topic of conversation is relevant to my beliefs, or if someone asks my opinion on something that could be related back to what I believe, or even if a friend is going through something I've been through before, I'll talk about what I believe, or how God has helped me.

A lot of people at MC tend to be very open-minded. The upside to this is that they're willing to listen to what I have to say. The downside to this is that they're not necessarily going to change their minds. I think the typical response is, in a nutshell, "you believe what you believe, I believe what I believe, and that's that." Some people are up for some healthy debate. Some people want to violently argue with you.

In the past year, I've been exposed to different kinds of people who have beliefs all across the board. And they all have had different lives. Some love to smoke weed. Some love to party it up on Thursday nights. Some cut themselves. And the list goes on and on...

But I'm not better than anyone. Because I make/have made plenty of mistakes before. I'm not perfect, either. And I've been through some rough stuff that plenty of people don't know about. So I try to show God's love to people as best I can.

And I failed to do that plenty of times. But now I can learn from those mistakes. I seriously hope I don't repeat them.

Idk how much they may care about me, but I love my atheist friends. A lot. And I know God loves them, like, a bajillion times more than I do! But I often feel sad when I think about them, I know they could have better lives as Christians. But I can't make them decide.

A lot of them are former Catholics.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's also stuff I learned in relation to academics, but honestly, it's late and I'm too tired to get into it.

Night. Thanks for reading.

Manhattan College STATS

2010-04-10T21:01:00.002-04:00

Stats--meaning statistics.

All these can be found on collegeboard.com, which I used to look up Manhattan College when I was still in the touring and applying process. But now that I go here...

1. 67% of students are in-state--in other words, 67% of students are from New York. I wonder what percentage are from Long Island?

2. 52% men--Manhattan College is one of the few colleges I know of with a male [albeit slim] majority. Probably because of the engineering program...

3. 72% white--it's not exactly glaring, because I often do see people of other ethnicities/backgrounds in my classes. But that is a very big majority of white people, yo. And it seems like some students tend to stick with people of their own race, often times. We should be more diverse.

4. 3, 049 undergrads. 'Nuff said. Although, we're quite small compared to a college like...Duke.

5. We have a Division I golf team???? Who knew...

6. No associate's degrees offered here.

7. 3% of men join fraternities, 3% of women join sororities. Maybe that's a good thing?

8. We do have a radio station, and I knew about this. But where can i listen to it? How? And why has this station been under the radar?

9. Apparently there are international students here. Somewhere.

10. 65% of applicants are admitted. We're less competitive than Fordham, where 50% of applicants are admitted.

So yeah.

No one's really been posting an entry lately...So I might as well.

2010-03-09T09:49:00.004-05:00

Hey, everyone.

First off, I am really excited for spring break.

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my college career. This week is not much better. Between Peter's death, my stomach bothering me, getting the menses, doing a history test makeup yesterday, finding out I missed a 30 point essay question on my religion test (my teacher is allowing me to make it up, though), a work overload on the weekend, and me going into panic attack mode on saturday, it's been a rough two weeks. And Micheal did not come in last weekend like I thought he would. Instead, he's coming in this weekend.

Did I mention i am really excited for spring break?

Some of my friends actually had this week off. I have next week off. Micheal has either the week after next or the last week of March off.

What the fashoozy crackers? Why does everyone have a different spring break!?

Anyway.

So I want to get Satellites and Sirens' debut album. But I have, like, no $$$$ in my debit. Very little, at least. Hopefully this Friday I get paid.

I'm not a big fan of this getting paid every 3 or 4 weeks dealio. But there's not much i can do about it.

My last paycheck was only $29 because I messed up my time sheets. O_O

In other news, I got a Fire Bible recently, and it is really awesome. It's really good for studying the Word. I also got a documentary called "One Nation Under God." It was really good, and I recommend it. Especially for college students.

The guy who directed it is making another documentary called "Beware of Christians." Don't let the title fool you. They have a website for the film here.

Gosh, I wish my friends and I could go on a road trip and interview people and make witty comments and look at lame monuments and stuff. And then i could make a documentary about it.

As much as I love conceptual films, there's something really cool about documentaries. Really real. Like, I liked "Frontrunners" when I watched it in my senior year film class.

Eventually I want to see the documentary "Walking on Water," which is about Christian surfers going to different places in the world. Maybe by the time summer comes...if it does...when it does....

I love summer. Although i can be satisfied with the spring weather for now.

So yeah.

Anyways, maybe I'll post again sometime soon.

Why are they called "wakes" anyway?

2010-03-01T09:25:00.003-05:00

Not much going on lately. Life is still kind of lonely. And I miss Mike terribly.

The reason I haven't posted lately is because not only is this blog geared more towards college, but also, being that i'm heading towards the middle of the spring semester, there is really nothing new to talk about. I keep missing the Manhattan Players performances, I didn't build anything interesting in the snow (i did walk in the snow, but I didn't play in it), and I just have more work this semester than last semester.

So yeah. Nothing exciting.

My cousin Peter died last Thursday night of a drug overdose. So, I am going to remind people here to SAY NO TO DRUGS.

I mean, what is so great about them, anyway? Dangerously putting your body in an unnatural state for a short amount of time can't be that great. "Oh, but Nicole, I like the ruuuuush." GO BUNGEE JUMPING THEN! Harming your body is baaaad. Addictions are haaaaaarmful. You could diiiiiiiiie.

And that's the thing. You could die.

My cousin was down in Florida because he was in rehab for awhile--for drinking. Then he was in a halfway house. He knew Jesus as his Savior, and was reading and praying. He got his own apartment on Feb 1st. He died about 25, 26 days later. Apparently, he had told his sponsor that he planned to readmit himself to the program the next day. Just not without having one last party, and a rendezvous with drugs....

So now he's dead. And there is nothing we can do about it. I trust that I shall see him in the end, being that he knew Jesus as his Savior. Peter's death reminds me of how limited and precious time is. No one knows when they are going to go. So I must use my time wisely in telling people that Jesus loves them, and that if they want to, He can save them. It's a choice that can change their lives for the better.

At the end of the (college) day, what do you really have? You have your ramen, your roommate, a mountain of homework, and the anticipation of another empty Thursday night. You can go to a party every week, but eventually, you will probably be looking at your friend, with your red plastic cup in your hand, and think, "Man, this sucks." (As Greg Laurie said at Harvest '09.)

Everyone has a God-shaped hole in their chest. And nothing--no guy or girl, no drug, no drink, no occupation, no major, no kid, no accomplishment--can fill that hole.

I'll close with a quote from a song:

"And you want Him
And you need Him
But you act like He's not there
Yeah, you know
That you're hollow
And something's missing here
So you push and you pull at the hole in your soul
But you can't make the hunger disappear."--Fireflight, "The Hunger"

My Temporary Dorming Experience/How I'm adjusting to the spring semester/Reaction to the latest edition of The Quadrangle (my school newspaper)

2010-02-19T09:53:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I haven't written in awhile. Sorry.

But hey, I'm writing now. So yeah.

1. My temporary dorming experience--due to the massive snow we had last week, I had the opportunity to stay over one of my friends' dorm rooms so I could avoid commuting in the snow. Funnily enough, class was cancelled on wednesday, but whatever. I stayed Tuesday and Wednesday night. Overall, I thought it was pretty cool. Thing is, it was the novelty of it that I enjoyed, I suppose. I don't how I would feel if I actually lived there for a few months. Then there's the issue of food. The food at this school is subpar, I wouldn't feed it to a dog. But I'll talk more about food when I get to point 3. Anyways, back to the dorming experience--I remember the first night we could hear guys cursing at the top of their lungs outside. I suppose they already figured there was going to be a snowday, so they might as well get angry in the middle of the night (perhaps they were drunk?). Idk. Thankfully, my friend Jen's suitemates are all nice, so I didn't have to worry about dealing with personalities. It felt a little bittersweet when I realized that this wasn't going to last, that eventually I would "turn back into a pumpkin" and go home. It was nice to be on campus without having to rush to and from everywhere. Once I went home, though, I was pretty content. Especially since I got to eat a real meal.

2. How I'm adjusting to the spring semester--first of all, I hate how deceptive the name "Spring Semester" is. I wish it was spring. At this point, I think I"m not the only one who's done with winter. I'm tired of snow, and cold wind, and cloudy days. And naked trees.

Anyway, I've found that it is harder for me to "get back into work mode" now that the spring semester has started. The fall semester was different--It was almost september (august 31st) and I was getting into the "school is starting, yay, it's a new academic year, let me set goals and make new friends and stuffs" mode. Thing is, after that nice long break between last semester and this one, going back--especially starting new classes--has been a rude awakening. My workload is definitely tougher this semester, especially with reading. Aside from that, a lot of the people I saw last semester I haven't seen that much this semester. And I still have times when I feel terribly lonely.

"Lonely." Such a childish adjective. But it's true.

So I'm still hoping to find my niche. And I still want that good, steady co-ed friendship group, even if it may be just a pipe dream.

"Pipe dream." I sound like I'm 50 years old. No offense to 50 year olds.

So anyway, on to point 3...

3. Alright, so I'm not reacting to the whole school newspaper that just came out yesterday. I'm more concerned with the front page.

A. "Student Finds Blade in Panini"--I'm sure there was a sharp decline in panini sales to students yesterday due to this article. And you know what? I don't blame them--if I actually ate the food here, I wouldn't buy a panini either. The food here is, as I've said, one step above cafeteria food. Just one step. I wouldn't trust them with meat. Someone told me they found a hair in her salad and her friend found a worm in her soup. One of my friends actually got food poisoning from the soup last year. And these instances weren't in Locke's--they were in Dante's. (We have three cafeterias here, Locke's, Dante's and Plato's.) I don't normally buy actual food here. I just buy the pre-packaged stuff, where at least I know where it's been. Or think I know....

It's funny, though, Locke's is the cafeteria people complain about the most, because it's supposed to be all-you-can-eat--that is, if you can actually eat any of it without getting sick. However, the blade-in-panini instance happened over in the Leo cafeteria. Apparently, a mixing machine had broken in a spot and part of it ended up here, in this sandwich. Someone said yesterday that if a person were actually making the sandwich, there should be no blade in there. Which makes me wonder....

Well, enough about this. It's an innauseating thought to think about...well, food gone bad. Perhaps literally.

B. The other instance on the front page that I wanted to comment on is the article in the corner about the poster someone had put in their dorm window of Batman and Robin in a lip-lock. Their dorm room is in Horan, which is on the hill facing Broadway/Van Cortlandt park. So anyone passing by the hill can apparently see the poster. Now, at this point I'm not even going to comment on the poster's contents, because that's not what this post is about. However, what I will say is that putting that up was unnecessary and it's wrong. And it's "trolling"--meaning, it's something showy that's done for a negative reaction. (Thanks, Paul for explaining that!) In reading the comments the person who put the poster up made, it sounds like they were just waiting for administration to tell them to take the poster down. He was surprised he had been able to keep it up for that long. I don't remember now if the article said he had to take it down or not....

Besides, if you actually read the comics, that's not what Batman was like.

So there.

-Nicole-

Commuter Blues

2010-01-31T16:14:00.004-05:00

Took a break from my overload of homework (apparently I had to read FOUR books of The Odyssey over the weekend. Do you know how many pages that is!?) so I can blog.

Today's topic: commuterness.

For those who don't know me personally--or at all, for that matter--I'm a college commuter. Even more so, I'm not a commuter who drives--I'm a commuter who takes two buses for one hour, going and coming to school. When the days are really chilly, I have some friends who are willing to help me out by driving me (thanks Nick and Jessica!), but for the most part, I have been a bus commuter. And until I get my license and car stuff figured out, I will probably continue taking the bus more often than not.

But anyways, maybe I'm not the only commuter with a "sob story." Mine goes something like this (the beginning's a little boring):

Every morning I wake up--around 20 or a quarter to 7 AM. My first impulse is to fall back asleep. However, because I live at home, and because my mom drives me to the station so I don't have to take 3 buses, I have to wake up at this time. Therefore, I drag myself out of bed and begin the morning routine. The task that seems to take the most time is picking out a complete outfit, since I don't do that the night before like I used to in high school. After I pick out this outfit, I put it on in stages, often doing other things in between putting various articles of clothing on--such as making sure my books are packed, and so on. After I brush my teeth, I bundle up in multiple layers, put on my scarf and gloves, and head out into the cold. My mom drops me off at the station, giving me the usual "Have a good day, I love you, God bless you." I reciprocate all these statements before closing the car door. Then I walk, sometimes jog, to my first bus, the 12 select. I put my card in the machine, grab the receipt, and wait to get on the bus. Sometimes I wait in the cold for the bus to arrive.

After sitting on this bus for awhile, I eventually get off at Botanical Gardens. Then I cross the overpass and walk over to the Bronx Zoo side, where I catch the 9. The place where this stop is located is a wind tunnel, and it can get very cold. The 9 is usually crowded or almost crowded by the time I get on. There's usually a ton of public school kids from Marble Hill on the bus. The 9 gets very crowded in the morning. The bus driver often has to yell at people to "move to the rear of the bus." The 9 bus ride takes up the bulk of my commute, and I'm on it for about 40 minutes. When I get off the 9 by Van Cortlandt, I have one of two options--walk up the Horan and East Hill Hill, or walk another block and take the stairs by the library, opposite the parking garage. I usually opt for the latter option nowadays. I climb the stairs rather slowly, given the fact that I have the book bag and I'm out of shape and don't want to expel all my energy and breath on stair-climbing (this was more difficult last semester when my bag was heavier and I didn't have a locker). Once I get to the top of the steps, I go on the elevator to get up to quad level. Then I walk out of the elevator, down the ramp, and plop myself in the middle of the stairs in front of Smith, where I eat my Cheerios and stare at people who walk by. I usually do this as long as it's not cold enough for my fingers to get frostbite.

Last semester, my earliest class was at 9:05. This semester it's at 11:15. If class isn't starting yet, I usually go to the library and hang there for awhile. When I do get to class, I must admit, I sort of envy the people who can roll out of bed and go to class in their pjs. While it's not very stylish, it is very accepted in college.

(I'm getting tired of hearing the iCarly theme song coming from the living room.)

So...anyway...when I decide it's time I "eat lunch," I pull a nutrigrain bar out of my bookbag and eat it. It may not be a sandwich, but it's somewhat substantial. Given my nomadic way of life, I like to carry my food with me, as opposed to eating the not-so-desirable school food. I could bring a sandwich from home, but by the time I eat it, the bread is too moist, and the inside of the sandwich is...I don't know. Not so great.

I usually pack 3 things to eat throughout the day, but I still often times feel hungry. So I may go to one of the illustrious cafeterias on my campus and swipe my ACD card for a bag of chips. Or chocolate. Or something...

When classes are done, I have the option to either go home right away or hang in the library for a bit. Last semester I hung out in people's dorms, but that ended when I...left the friednship group, sorta. In the library I'd often see the same people from time to time. This semester, though, that doesn't seem to be the case.

So it's kind of lonely for me. I'm friendly with quite a few people, and I say a whole bunch of hellos throughout the day, but I don't have people that I can count on being there--whether due to scheduling conflicts, or simply the fact that they don't want to go all the way to the library (which isn't that far) to see me.

And let's face, a lot of people probably don't want to hang out with me.

They probably prefer the people they dorm with, eat dinner with, and see all the time.

And last semester, this was a bit of an issue for me: coming in the next day, and listening to my dorming friends tell funny stories about the night before. Or hearing that they watched a movie together. Or watching a vid on facebook of one of them blowing out the birthday cake someone had given them after I left to go home.

Speaking of going home, that commute is kind of lonely. It's dark (or almost dark) when I leave, especially in winter. I wait for the 9, get off near Bronx zoo, and then catch the 12. I sit on the bus with no one to talk to. Normally i just listen to music, which i also do in the morning. When I finally get off the 12, I get in my mom's car, and she usually says this:

"Hello. How was your day?"

I reply, "It was gooood." In other words, it wasn't really that good. more often than not, I have mediocre days.

I still want that good, steady friendship group. Will I ever get one?

I want friends that I can hang out with outside of the campus as well, not just on the campus. Maybe go over to Van Cortlandt, or to a museum on a saturday. If my dorming friends get tired of dorm food, they could even come to my house for my mom's meatloaf...I promise, she makes really good meatloaf....

*Sigh* But I often have trouble making and keeping friends. And when I do keep them, most don't take the friendship as seriously as I do. I want people to care about my existence. I want people to take me seriously. I want people to care how I feel. I want people to want to include me in things.

*Sigh*

But the story of my life seems to be that I'm often alone. I didn't have many real friends growing up in public school, and during my middle school years at that atrocious catholic elementary school, the girls I hung out with weren't really my friends, they mostly tolerated me out of pity. And I tolerated them because I had NO ONE. In high school, it took me a while, but eventually I had a group of friends.

But things change, and over time, most people forget about me, and I forget about them. It just seems easier that way.

But I don't want college to be like my other school experiences. I want friends--not just a friend, but a group, so we can hang out together! I want people to play frisbee with, and shoot nerf guns at, and to sit on my quad blankie with.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!?

But anyway, what's the point. I complain for nothing.

People often ask me how I like the whole commuter thing. My response can vary, but for this entry, I'll say:

"It sucks. Well, it's not TOO bad. I mean, i get to eat real food, and I have my own room, and I can get away from the campus when I want to. But at the same time, the people who dorm seem to be closer. And it seems like they have more fun. No, I'm not even talking about the drinking/partying/sex with a million partners fun. That's not fun. That's stupidity. I'm talking about evening study groups, and playing pranks on the dorm room across the hall, and writing on the dry erase board every night, and being able to take things slow and savor the college experience, instead of rushing to and from campus every day. These people get to sleep more than I do, and be around their friends, and be away from their family and be more 'independent.'"

=[

-Nicole-

Teachers

2010-01-29T10:24:00.004-05:00

It was another day at college. As I walked into class and took my seat, I looked at the expressions of some of those around me. They looked very unexcited.

And I guess who wouldn't be? After all, this is a required core class. It's not like most people even wanted to be here. Or even at school in general. They just woke up, put on a hoodie, and schlepped themselves to class. And now they are here, lifeless forms sitting at desks that remind me of high school. Or even vaguely like--dare I say it--my middle school years.

The professor begins the lecture. The students stare into outer space, mindlessly copying notes off the board, some paying attention, most probably not. And the professor sometimes will pause the lecture to ask a question such as:

"And which country was the first to use gunpowder?"

"...China?" I replied.

It was right.

I guess the other students didn't pay attention in Global during high school.

Now, maybe I'm a bit biased, because I love school. I've loved school since I was a kid. "Eager to learn" one of my teachers had put on my report card. And I am, I guess. I mean, I don't love every class I've ever taken, or every teacher I've ever had. Pre-calc, chem and earth science were some of my "schleppy" classes in high school, meaning I went to class dreading it.

Over all, though, I do like being in school. I don't know what I'll do when I have to actually join the work force. It'll be a big adjustment. Although, I already have some ideas of some in-between jobs I would like to have before my "career." A CVS photo technician (basically you just print pictures and wear a cool lab coat), a movie projector person at a theater, or a pizza girl (yesterday I noticed that I never see girls working at pizzerias).

But anyway, back on topic. Teachers.

I think we as students often forget that our teachers are actual people. They have lives outside of school. They are husbands and wives and mothers and fathers and grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters and friends and boyfriends and girlfriends and so on. They're human beings. There's even a chance that they have actual interests, too. Such as reading comic books, or ballroom dancing, or playing tennis. They might even watch the same shows we watch! Like Smallville, or Grey's Anatomy, or even Keeping Up with the Kardashians!

So yeah. Teachers are people, too.

With that in mind, we often get mad if our teacher seems to be in a bad mood, or if the lecture is tedious, or if we have too many notes to copy. But remember, this is an actual class. The teachers are hired to teach. We need to learn. True, some teachers don't have the best personalities. But still, you are here, and so are they, so you might as well make the best of the situation.

Since teachers are real people, they have personal issues. One might have had a fight with her fiance the night before, so she came into class a little cranky. One might have found out their mom has cancer, so the lecture might sound a little stiff and less exuberant. One might have been up all night with their two year old who has the stomach flu, so the next day class is just boring and dead because the teacher has no energy whatsoever.

We need to try to be more considerate of our teachers. One good tip is to try to make eye contact as much as possible when they're talking. I find it helps me pay attention. Another thing to do is to get your head off the desk! I find I have a habit of leaning on my hand, which I guess isn't too bad. But I wouldn't suggest overusing this pose. I've tried keeping my elbow and hand on the desk, so I can "lean" that way. It looks less disrespectful than putting your face in your hand.

So yeah. That's all for now.

-Nicole-

What's In a Name?

2010-01-24T09:30:00.000-05:00

I remember sitting there in his dorm, watching him play guitar. He wasn't Mystery Guitar Man, by any means (he's of youtube fame), but this guy did have some skill. I remember wishing my boyfriend could play guitar (but my boyfriend has other talents).

Anyway, this guy was the proud owner of several guitars. They all were named after girls he knew—not necessarily had a relationship with, but knew. When I found out he was getting a new guitar, I had high hopes of having it named after me.

It was a creamy white Fender. Pure—like myself. (Not to toot my own horn, but yeah, I'm a virgin.)
He had asked me on AIM what he should name it.
I figured if I suggested myself off the bat, that would be too presumptuous. Instead, I sarcastically mentioned the name of a girl that had jilted him on Halloween.
He got mad and said he would have named it my name. But now, it will be named Miley.

Grrr. Miley. When will he stop obsessing over a brunette Barbie doll with a southern accent?
I was a Miley fan. I guess I still sort of am. But now, there is a little bitterness between her and I. Maybe even jealousy.

I'll get over it later.

The point is, to this day, I still don't have an inanimate object named after me. So, are there any guys out there that would like to name their pen “Nicole?” How about your laptop? Or hey—any musical instruments would be appreciated—especially guitar. At this point, though, I don't care if a tuba is named after me. Something.

So what is a princess?

2010-01-19T22:54:00.002-05:00

I've been hearing this word since the day I was born.

Princess.

"I'm going to be a princess for Halloween." "She's her daddy's little princess." "Princess Aurora." "The Princess Protection Program." "I am a princess. All girls are."*

"I deserve to be treated like a princess."

And guess what? I do think all girls should be treated like a princess. But first, I need to define what I think a real princess is:

1. One who is willing to wait--Ok, bear with me a second. I'm going to make Disney references. Remember Snow White? She was shut in a palace and forced to be a servant by her stepmother, the queen. Ever the optimist, she continued to keep cheerfully going about her day to day business. In the end, she ends up marrying a man who could be the only prince she's ever met. Sleeping Beauty--Aurora's her real name--meets her love in a meadow, but after going comatose for awhile, he saves her from peril and awakes her with a kiss. She had no time to do speed dating, be a contestant on The Bachelorette, or go on blind dates set up by her friends.

Does all this seem a little too idealistic? Yes. Very much so. The modern day princess stories have a little more backbone to them--like "Enchanted" and "The Princess Diaries." The protagonists of both learn a thing or two about love--Giselle tried to rush into marrying a prince she met one day. Mia tries to go out with the popular guy she had a crush on for the longest time. However, both learn by the end of the movie that the guy that really loved them is the one that had been standing in front of them for most of the screen time.

Again, real life doesn't always work like this. But what I will say is this--we all need to be a little more patient--with anything. A real princess should not be a royal spoiled brat. Rather, a real princess should learn to wait for that new doll...or that boyfriend...or to have sex. (Yes, i said "sex." Oh my gosh, I said "sex." But yes, I do believe in waiting until I'm married to have sex. All the Disney princesses did it, even Princess Jasmine. Minus the Disney, though, it's something I do take seriously.)

2. A servant--in the epically awesome movie, "The Princess Diaries," Mia Thermopolis discovers she's a princess and undergoes training to become one. Towards the end of the movie, she has a candid moment with her grandmother (the queen of Genovia), and her grandmother tells her the stereotypical view of princesses--they "wear pretty dresses and live happily ever after" (and she listed some other stuff, too). However, she then said that "It's a real job." Kind of a public servant sort of thing, i suppose. However, when talking about all "princesses" (not just royalty, here), I think servitude is an important aspect of it. Selfishness is not a "royal" quality to have. In fact, it's a royal pain in the coolie. Do you care about your family? The people around you? Do you want to see others succeed in their lives? Do you want to help others? These are qualities I want.

3.The daughter of a king--This is an obvious one, no? I'm not just talking about real kings here, though. I'm talking about the King of Kings. I know Jesus as my Savior, and I've made Him King of my life. Then I became adopted. God is now my Father. And I am a princess.

No, I'm not perfect. My "princess training" is not at all complete. But this is something I felt like blogging about. Sorry, male readers, if you feel this didn't really apply to you, because you can't be "princesses." Don't worry--I'll write an entry about knights. But that's for another day...

-Nicole-

*quote taken from the movie "A Little Princess"

To Simply Believe...

2010-01-08T22:33:00.002-05:00

Remember when you were a kid how easy it was to believe in Santa Claus? Or the tooth fairy?

None of us were smart enough to figure out that a man that large could not possibly fit down our chimney.

And what if you didn't have a chimney? Even then, we didn't really question it. We just figured Santa would use the front door.

As for the tooth fairy, I believed in it because I'd always wake up the next morning and find money under my pillow.

And since I wasn't a great sleeper as a kid, this was even further fascinating. At some point in the night--perhaps 2 in the morning, for all I know--one of my parents snuck into my room, managed to grab the tooth without waking me, and slip the money underneath my pillow.

Now that I'm older, of course, I know that neither Santa Claus nor the tooth fairy exist. (Sorry if that was a rude awakening for anyone out there.)

Still, I often times do wish that I had belief--no, faith--like that now that I'm a woman.

I remember learning about evolution in school. I always dismissed it, of course--it's just a theory. And even when I find people that don't believe in evolution, they still find it hard to believe that God could create the world in just six days (He rested on the seventh).

Yes, I'm a creationist. (I don't believe in calling it "the theory of intelligent design.") Do you honestly think that the whole world just happened by accident? Randomly? Even Einstein said that he doesn't believe that "God plays dice." In other words, that everything happened just like a throw of the dice--without meaning. I believe everything happens for a reason, and that includes the creation of the universe and everything in it. And yes, I believe God created each individual species--I don't believe we "evolved" from monkeys. Does that even make sense?

So, going back to the whole six-day-creation thing--I would always say in regards to that, "Well, why not believe God for the impossible?" He is GOD, after all. Omnipotent--all powerful. If you believe God to be powerful, then you should be able to believe God created the world in 6 days. And He's done lots of other amazing stuff, too, which you can read about here.

All creationist beliefs aside, however, I often do find it hard to just simply believe. Have faith. Know that God is in control, and surrender things to Him. Know that God can help me, that He does care, that He will get me through this. Know that God can still move in powerful ways, even today.

And He does. And He has--especially in my own life.

So, the thing I currently want to work on with God is helping to grow my faith. One way is simply reading the Bible more--Romans 10:17 says "Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ." So that's one thing I can do. The other is praying. Not to give the typical answer of "read the Bible and pray every day"--but yes, reading the Bible and praying every day does go a long way. How many of us actually do that, though? I started off this break a little stronger than I am now. My mom says it's a discipline--you need to keep working at it. So I will. I must.

I'm not a perfect person, and I will never claim to be so. However, I can't keep getting stuck where I am either.

-Nicole-

"The Prom"

2010-01-04T12:33:00.003-05:00

I love this video.

It uses an interesting concept to explain an important truth.

And it uses the song "So I Thought" by Flyleaf. <3 it!

So yeah.

(Btw, if you'd like to see my tangle account, it's http://tangle.com/nicolemarie)

Why can't I read anymore!?

2010-01-03T21:01:00.004-05:00

If you look at my profile, you'll see that listed under my hobbies is reading.

And I do love reading. I like reading magazine articles, and my school newspaper (The Quadrangle) and I like reading other people's writing when I go through the submissions for Manhattan Magazine.

That said, I find it very difficult these days for me to sit down and casually read a novel.

I used to be so good at this. I've loved reading since I first learned, when I was in first grade. I would read books a lot. At home. For fun, usually. Even into my junior high years, I loved reading. And in my first two years of high school, I was still trying to continue reading novels.

But something happened along the way during my junior and senior years. Academic work (and academic reading) took priority, and because of that, pleasure reading became scarce for me. I still read--but it was tough for me to stay consistent, and I think I only completed one book during my senior year.

Now that I'm off for another 3 weeks, I really wanted to read. But quite honestly, I need to force myself to actually keep still and just read. And even then, when I read, i find it hard to read silently to myself. My mouth is shut, and I'm not speaking, but my tongue is still moving in my mouth to each word I read...(which sounds strange to you, i'm sure....)

I feel illiterate.

I have a whole stack of books next to my bed that I've bought and--over time--they have still gone unread. But I feel so slow! And there's so many other things to do, I feel. I'm still in the process of overhauling my room. I want chocolate....

Tonight, I decided to just read and get over with this book that's been in my shelf for years which I still haven't read. Does anyone remember Ann M. Martin? She wrote the Babysitter Club books. She wrote other books, too. But I remember her best for the Babysitter Club series. Anyway, she wrote the California Diaries series (guess she's partial to California?) and the book I have from this series is called Maggie. It's the third book. I probably bought it on sale, or got it at a book swap at P.S. 14 (those book swap things were great, I miss them). But yeah--I never got rid of this book. (Come to think of it, I don't know when I got this book.) Anyway, tonight I finally decided to read it--like I said, just to read it--and given the length and the size of the font, I figured I could probably finish this before the end of the night.

Wrong. Fail. Bad.

Here's the thing: I started reading, and I found out the character is in 8th grade.

Being that I'm a freshman in college, it's a little difficult to empathize with this character. But I figured I'd try to hang in there, and the voice of the character sort of reminded me of my own voice.

About x amount of pages into it, though, I decided that I just don't care about this character anymore. From the beginning, the setup for the plot was kind of weak. It's in diary format, so she goes into a lot of topics--which is fine, I actually like the diary format. Or I did. Now I don't know. But the thing is, her life sounds so shallow. Her problems seem so small. It's typical for the average eighth grader to feel badly towards a friend that is going through a rebel phase. And there's the typical cafeteria conversation fare, and the mention of some guy (whose name happens to be Justin. Of course, this book was written when *N SYNC was big. [Actually, the book was written in 1997, which is the year *N SYNC first started. But still....])

The whole thing seemed so...ugh.

I do want to be a children's/teen's librarian. And I am aware that there are better books out there for both age groups. But I dunno...

Suffice it to say, I'm not finishing this "Maggie" book. (Yes, I use dated expressions like "suffice it to say." Sue me.)

So...on with the pile.

Next up: the novel version of the upcoming movie To Save a Life, which comes to some theaters January 22, 2010. They're trying to get it to play in Brooklyn and in Freeport. Those are the two closest potential theater locations within a 25 mile radius of my zip code. I hope they can get it, though. And I hope the movie is successful. And I hope the movie spreads to more local theaters, so I don't have to get a car ride to Freeport or travel via the MTA to Brooklyn. (Speaking of the MTA, more cuts on the way. Ugh.*) Anyway, I've already started the book based on this movie--it's another thing on that list of "Things I Start But Don't Finish."

So, I'll get to reading that, hopefully it goes better than this last reading experience, and maybe I can finish it by the end of the week--do you think it's possible?

-Nicole-

*http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/15/nyregion/15mta.html
http://secondavenuesagas.com/2009/12/16/mta-board-approves-2010-budget-with-service-cuts/
http://secondavenuesagas.com/2009/12/14/disabled-students-hardest-hit-in-mta-budget/

A Warning to Those Who Once Had Braces

2010-01-02T12:38:00.003-05:00

WEAR. YOUR. RETAINERS.

I had first gotten braces when I was in 6th grade. My social status was already low, so it didn't exactly do anything to make me any more of a...whatever.

I had the braces on until...I think my sophomore year? Maybe freshman year. One or the other. Either way, it was pretty unenjoyable for the most part. Although, for some reason, I like the way the metal glints in dim lighting.

Anyway.

Once the braces were off for good, I was really happy. The only problem from there, of course, was making sure I wore the retainers.

Like many kids in the same boat, I didn't wear them as often as I was supposed to.

Bad idea.

On tuesday, I will be getting braces on my bottom row of teeth AGAIN.

At first, my thought set was something along the lines of:

Why me? How could this happen? It's not fair!

It's very fair. I didn't do what I was supposed to do. And now I have to pay the metallic consequences.

Oh! I wish I had just listened to my orthodontist! I could kick myself a million times....

It's a good thing I had the opportunity to meet people while I didn't have braces. But still, to me, getting braces in college is like having a baby after the age of 50. It's cringe-inducing.

And I already know what to expect, since I've gotten braces before. I'm gonna walk in. Sit in that chair. They're gonna put this plastic thing in my mouth to hold my tongue up. I'll still be able to breathe, sneeze, cough, whatever, but I can't talk. They'll stuff my mouth with cotton rolls. They'll clean my teeth with cold water stuff. At some point they'll coat my teeth with something that tastes sour. They'll stick the individual metal thingys on my teeth. Then they'll start the wiring. The whole process takes about an hour--for just the bottom.

I may have to go alone. My mom needs to work that day. I was hoping my boyfriend might be able to come into the Bronx that day just to be with me for the appointment (and deal with me afterwards). But if he can't go, I'll be all alone.

I'm a big girl now. I'm 18. But still. And I don't have the same fears about it that I had when I was younger. I'm not really afraid of choking or anything. It's just a long, not quite comfortable process. And I'm going to be in pain for awhile afterwards. Like, 3 days. it's not something I want to face alone--however small this whole thing might seem.

So yeah.

Life in the "Blah" Zone

2010-01-01T20:25:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in awhile.

(When I say "everyone" that most likely would mean--what--one person?)

Anyway.

So. I wrote a Facebook note about this (way back when) and it sort goes along these lines.

Apathy.

It's something I myself am currently fighting against. Just this "blah" state of being. But what's worse is how common it is.

For example, if you approach a random person on the street and ask their opinion on abortion, they are very likely to say "women's choice."

I didn't ask for that, though--I want to know YOUR choice. If faced with that situation, what would you choose?

(Personally, I am pro-life. But that's an entry for another day.)

Another example--how often do we see someone on the bus that's hurting, or in the supermarket, or anywhere--and we don't say anything? I mean, I guess we often feel like it's none of our business...but if you were in their situation, would you want someone to acknowledge you? Even just smile or something?

It seems this way almost everywhere--with the blahness. My mom tells me "it's life." Perhaps it is part of life, but I don't want it to be the whole enchilada.

It's funny--my cousins were playing this basketball video game on Christmas and in the game there are college teams. When they were playing against Duke University, the stands were packed in the game. The Duke students were cheering like crazy. My cousin Sal said it's like that in real life. I told him to try playing against Manhattan College in the game, since he and I both go there and I wanted to see how the game portrayed us. It showed the Draddy gymnasium, and the stands were...well...the students seemed sporadically placed around the gym. Kind of sparse in comparison to Duke.

It seems like an accurate portrayal.

I've noticed this on my campus a lot. Events are planned--good events--by student activities, and yet, there's a low turnout. Not that many students come--I guess it gets worse as the semester wears on (maybe for the Spring semester it's the opposite?). Either way, I notice this just in the basic student attitude just walking around campus. I guess one plus side is that a lot of people at Manahttan are pretty chill. There seems to be a good mix of different personalities, thus making it sort of "normal." But the chillness isn't supposed to be taken to the extreme. I do come across some people from time to time that are passionate about SOMETHING. Like, say a sport, or student government, or art. But, for the most part, I often think I see a "sea of blah" walking around campus. A majority--maybe 60%, maybe more--seem to have no drive outside of the normal, the mundane. I imagine their typical days going something like this:

Get up
Grab breakfast in Locke's (if at all)
Schlep to class (perhaps in pj pants)
Drag self to next class
Lunch in Dante's--if they have enough perseverance, maybe they'll go to Plato's
Next class--again
Go to dorm and nap
Next class
Back to dorm
Hang with buds in dorm, doing nothing out of the ordinary--play a video game, watch some TV, bug someone down the hall
Dinner in Locke's
Shower (unless they showered that morning)
Do homework until 1 or 2 AM
Sleep

Where is the life? Is there anything creative, constructive, endorphin-releasing going on? I commute, and the commute itself can take a chunk out of my day. But if I dormed...boy, if I dormed....

I think I'd try to do something meaningful. I find I particularly like walking around the quad when I stay late for the Christ in Your Life meetings. At night it looks pretty cool. If I dormed, I think I would be inclined to walk around it every night. Not late, or anything. But just to do it. Maybe listen to some music, pray...I dunno.

The point is, I don't like the lack of passion I often see. And I guess it's typical for this to set in during college--maybe especially for those who dorm. You get accustomed to the setting, to the people, to the weird day-to-day scheduling. And there's plenty of Ramen to go around, so why bother using that stove in Jasper to make some real soup? After all, you live there...it's not like you need to rush around like I have to, catching the first of two buses before a certain time. (I can't wait for warmer weather. I honestly can't. When the sun starts setting later, that's when I can stay on campus later. Hopefully by next year I'll have my driver's license and a campus parking spot. Oh, and some new friends to hang with--along with the old.)

So yeah.

Spirit Weekend will be coming up very soon. I hope Manhattan College students attend. I know I plan to.

-Nicole-

Random quote

2009-12-23T20:05:00.003-05:00

"Hot chocolate is a hug in a glass."--my sister's friend Lily

(Hey--as I told you in the subtitle at the top, this is a blog about random topics.)

You heard the man...

2009-12-21T23:14:00.002-05:00

I love James Patterson's writing. I have the Maximum Ride books, and I'm currently in the fourth one. Also, he happens to be a Manhattan College alum, which I think is pretty cool.

Being that the people in my house watch the Hallmark Channel a lot--especially now that it's Christmas--I simply cannot get over James Patterson's commercial. He says something like: "Hi, I'm James Patterson, and I have a special message for you. Buy this book or I'll have to kill off Alex Cross. By the way, it's pretty good."

The commercial sounds so dramatic, though! It sounds like he's killing a real person, but it's just a fictional character.

I never read any of the Alex Cross books, so I don't think i could just go and buy this one. But hey--if you're reading, and you like the series, please go out there and buy a copy. Save Alex's life from literary diminishment....

FREEDOM! (And what I learned this semester)

2009-12-20T16:26:00.004-05:00

Hey, everyone. So today is my first day of break. Yesterday I took my last final (stats), and I am SO glad my first semester of college is over.

(As you may have noticed, there is music playing in the background. If you want to turn off the music, scroll all the way down to the bottom. Also, I put some stuff in the sidebar. Don't worry--I don't plan on myspacing this blog. Although, I would like a more creative layout/template/background.)

Thankfully, the break is going to be nice and longish--I don't start the Spring semester until January 25th. (I like those words--"spring semester." I can't wait for warmer weather. We just had snow here last night!) Next semester, I'll be taking Roots of History, Roots of Psychology, Classical Origins, Nature + Experience of Religion, and my second semester of Italian.

This has been a quick semester. I remember during the first two weeks of college, walking up the hill in front of Horan after my commute and stepping onto the quad. I was a starry-eyed freshman. I was all, "Wow...college...look at that tree...."

Of course, I was also thrilled at the fact that there were guys there. Having just graduated from an all-girl catholic high school, it was refreshing to be around guys at school again. In fact, in the beginning, I almost always hung out with guys. Girls can be catty and annoying sometimes.

Over time, though, i did make some friends that were girls. And I'm glad, actually, because at least girls can empathize with you--especially when it's that time of the month.

Here are the top things I've learned this semester:

1. [How imperfect I am]--Sometimes, as a Christian, it can be all too easy to get caught up in a proud way of thinking, like, "Oh, I'm a Christian, and they're not. I don't do x, y and z, and they do. Therefore, I am better." I'm usually not one to think I'm better than other people. Sometimes, though, that way of thinking can creep up on you when you hear of what others do on the weekends. Thing is, though, me being a Christian does not make me any better than the guy that has sex with 10 girls in 2 months. I am saved by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8,9). This means that it is NOT by me "being a good person," but by me believing in Christ. And guess what? I'm not perfect. No one is. I mess up ALL THE TIME. I'm still trying to grow in my relationship with God--but I need His help, His strength. And I need to repent--to turn away from the stupid things I keep doing. And this semester, I've made a lot of mistakes. And I keep realizing more and more that I'm a human.

2. [Never overstay your welcome]--Most of my friends were guys. Most of them were engineers. Most of them dormed. And of course, me being a commuter, I had a very nomadic way of traveling--my bookbag was not only obnoxious in appearance, but heavy. So there were times when i just wanted a place to drop my stuff, and I would stop by one of my friends' dorm rooms. Or, if I just wanted to hang out there, I would. I often stayed with the guys, in their dorm rooms. In the beginning, we were all cool. But, as Mark Twain says, "Familiarity breeds contempt." As people got to know me better, as I kept coming around, as my quirks, low self-esteem, and other personality flaws became known, this started getting tense. For me, anyway. Ok, maybe tense is the wrong word. But I felt like the guys didn't want me there anymore. Perhaps they didn't care either way--but what I wanted--what I craved--was company and friendship. Once things got bad between me and one of the guys, I decided to separate myself from the whole group. I haven't hung out on the first floor of Jasper since then. And I haven't gone to the seventh floor of East Hill either. Guys are strange--sometimes, it's best to be more aloof. Keep your distance. Hold them at arm's length. Even just in cases of friendship--because if you come on too strong, especially if it's too quick, they are most likely going to get either annoyed or tired of you quickly. Maybe even both.

3. [I don't know everything!]--I really don't. Sometimes I wish i did, but I don't. And it's ok. I don't have to know or understand everything. As long as God is in control, what should I care?

4. [Have a mixed group of friends]--Don't hang out with just guys or just girls. Have friends of both genders. If you're an athlete, don't limit yourself by hanging out with just athletes. Then again, I'm not an athlete. I know a lot of people on a "hello, how are you?" basis. I'm still looking for a good, steady friendship group, though.

5. [It's better to start your commute earlier]--Again, with the commuterness. But this is important. The earliest class I had this semester was English at 9 AM. I had it Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays (by the way, if it's spelled "wed-nes-day," then why do we pronounce it "wenzday?") Anyway, I was pretty good about getting up early in the beginning of the semester. But as it wore on, my wake up time went from 6:30 to 6:45. I take the 2 buses to school--and sometimes, instead of taking the first bus that comes for the second part of my commute, I wait for the next bus, so I can get a seat. Usually, I'd get to campus with at least 15 minutes to spare. But there were times when I would wait for a vacant-seat bus, and I would have to rush to get to English on time--or a few minutes late. Moral? Best to start early, leave the house before 7:30, and take the first bus that comes. That way I'm not trying to run with a heavy bookbag.

6. [I need to better manage my time]--My early morning routine would have been quicker if I had picked out my outfit the night before. I should have used the gaps between my classes to study and do homework--if not all the gaps, at least one or two.

7. [Don't waste time]--goes along with why i deleted my Facebook. And time is a precious and finite resource. We can't get it back. I want to LIVE LIFE to the FULLEST. So, if I better manage my time, that should help me not waste it.

8. [Sometimes, I need to just get out of the library...]--I spent SO much time in the library this semester--especially after I stopped dorm-visiting. Sometimes I can get tired of a place, though, and seeing the same people all the time--as much as I like hanging with my friends. But I want mobility. I want to go to new places and meet new people and have new experiences. And stuffs.

9. ["Preach the Gospel at all times, use words if necessary."--Francis of Assisi]--"Actions speak louder than words." That said, one thing I've learned is that arguing about what I believe is not going to get me anywhere. I can speak about my faith in conversation. If God is convicting me to talk to someone about my beliefs, then I should. But if I'm just trying to win a fight over whose beliefs are right, I'm just digging myself a ditch. It's best that I focus on behaving the way i should, and trying to love everyone the way God loves them.

10. [I need to get my driver's license ASAP]--There's a difference between commuters who take public transportation and commuters that drive to school. I would feel a greater sense of freedom and independence if I were able to drive myself to and from school, leaving when i want to. Of course, I'd have to share the car with my mom. Still, it seems better than what I have now.

So, yeah. That's it for now. I just baked cookies. :)

~Nicole~

"You did what!?"

2009-12-15T12:20:00.003-05:00

Hello, everyone. I recently deactivated my Facebook account.

"What!? Are you kidding me? Your facebook account? Your one obsession? Your child?"

Yes. I had to.

I had been sort of wondering about it for awhile. And then, one of my classmates from English told me how she had deactivated hers for finals week. So i figured, "Ok. I guess it would be a good idea for me to do that, too, so I don't get sidetracked on Facebook for hours and hours when I could be studying..."

My last status update before deactivating was "Be back soon."

Come to think of it, though, I think I would be better off deactivating it for good.

I actually wrote my final English paper on the negative effects of Facebook on its users.

Two of the points I made is that it is time-wasting and obsession-causing.

I can say this from personal experience.

Thing is, there was a time when I actually did something in my spare time. I had hobbies. I used to read books. i used to write more often. Now, I barely make time for that stuff--even when there is time to spare. Facebook also distracts me from important stuff--like homework, and studying. And even people sometimes.

What's worse, though, is that Facebook has become a source of loneliness, sorrow, and jealousy for me.

Loneliness, because there are times when, like, 30 people are online, and yet, no one comments my status. Or sometimes, I'm about to chat with someone and they go offline. Or there are times when I've even been ignored by people.

Sorrow, because I see friends posting pics of all the fun they're having without me. Or people just basically having fun in general. Going places. Doing things with their lives. While I'm usually stuck in this house. As a commuter, you miss out on a lot of college fun. I'm not even talking about drinking and heavy partying--I'm talking about the late night study sessions with your friends, or the birthday cake they bought so-and-so with the sparklers on it. Or the stupid prank someone played on their RA. COLLEGE stuff.

Finally, jealousy. Jealousy because one person posts a status and the entire country comments on it. Jealousy because one of your friends posts a picture and twenty people comment and remark how beautiful she is, while your profile pic got a "like" from one person--your biased boyfriend.

I know I'm not ugly. But it would be nice to get some affirmation once in awhile, you know? Like, a compliment? Even if it's on a piece of jewelry or something?

Anyway.

So, yeah. I think I've decided that--in the end--it's best if I just deactivate my account completely. I'm better off without it. If people want to talk to me, there's multiple other ways to reach me--email, texting, calling, snail mail, IMing, maybe even talking to me in person. Now there's a novel idea.

Manhattan College, Home of the "Generic Guy"

2009-12-03T22:55:00.003-05:00

One of the first things I noticed at my college within the first few weeks is how almost every guy at my college looks alike.

No, I do not mean they look like exact clones of each other. But a lot of them do have the typical traits in their appearances.

(Please, don't argue with me on this one. It seems pretty undeniable to me.)

A few weeks back, my friends Kat, Kit, and I were sitting on a bench near Smith, and Kat and I were calling out the generic and the non-generic guys as we saw them.

"Generic." I said.
"Which one?" Kat asked.
"Red hoodie, with the baseball cap."
"Oh, yeah." She agreed. "Definitely."

Who is the "generic guy"?

Generic guy is white. He has brown hair and brown eyes (but he also may have blonde hair and blue eyes, or blonde hair and brown eyes, and so on...). His hair is not cut in any particularly special way. He often wears a baseball cap, or a hood, or both. In the summer time, he wears a white wifebeater with denim shorts. Or a nondescript t-shirt with basketball shorts. On Thursday nights, he most likely drinks and parties with his friends. He comes home on the weekends periodically so he can eat normal food and have his mom do his laundry. He listens to whatever music is playing on Z100. He wears Nikes and drinks Gatorade. If you saw him walking by with his friends, you wouldn't be able to tell them apart.

There are also sub-categories of generic guys as well, like guys that all have the same hairstyle. The main guy hairstyles I see on campus are the shag and the normal. There are also plenty of guys with spikey hair. And for the guys in the ROTC, they have buzzcuts. So there.

A main thing with generic guys is that their personalities tend to be generic as well (I'm referring to the previous example, not the hair one.) I look at these guys and I wonder, is there any dimension to them at all? Any passion? Any art? Or are they just living the day-to-day, sleep-in-go-to-class-play-video-games routine? And then pizza at Locke's. I wonder....

So who is the non-generic guy?

Well, that's another blog entry, for another day.

Manhattan College students--the deadline for Manhattan Magazine has been extended to December 11th. Please submit any poetry, artwork, photographs or short stories to manhattan.magazine@gmail.com

Things to Make Sure of Before Choosing Your College

2009-11-24T12:28:00.005-05:00

1. If you're a high school senior and you're reading this, cool. I'm glad you decided to stop by. I don't know how far along you are in your application process, but I definitely recommend Manhattan College.

2. Manhattan College is actually the top 6th engineering school in the country. I'm an English major, so one of my concerns was getting stuck with a mediocre English program due to the fact that the school is best known for engineering. So far, though, it's been quite the contrary. I hear we have a really good english department here.

Moral of this story: The best way to find out how good any program is at a college is to ask around. Visit the campus, take a tour, and find some time to go up to different students and ask them about the college. What is their major? Are the professors that teach classes that go with that major good? Another important thing to ask is how they like the college in general.

3. Make sure you tour colleges BEFORE you apply to them--especially your top choices. I toured 6 colleges before starting the application process, and I ended up applying to 3. I remember when I toured CUNY Baruch that my mom and I toured with another girl and her mom. That girl had already chosen to go to Baruch, but hadn't toured it before that. During the tour, she looked unhappy.

4. Pick a college that goes with your personality. During a tour, pay attention to the people you see on campus and how they interact with each other. Don't just pay attention to the tour guide--they're getting paid to be enthusiastic about the school. Are there lots of people socializing on campus? Is it mostly made up of athletes? Mostly made up of people who walk around wearing suits and holding briefcases? Is it a liberal or conservative school? When you approach people to ask where to find something--like an entrance, or a bathroom--do the people seem hostile or are they friendly and helpful? The day I toured Manhattan College, it was a rainy and cold day in March--a stark contrast to the day I toured Fordham University, which was a sunny, mild, gorgeous fall day. However, I was very impressed with the people at Manhattan College. That is the main reason I made it my number one choice--aside from the fact that they are better about giving scholarship money than Fordham.

5. Pick a college you genuinely want to go to. If you are in love with Princeton, but got a full ride to Hunter, carefully think about what you want to do. Which college offers the better program for what you are interested in? Which college location do you like better? Obviously, if you have absolutely no money for Princeton, then make the frugal decision. However, if there are means for you to get into Princeton, and you won't be breaking your back with debt, go for it.

Ok. That's my take on this.

Fake Nails

2009-11-18T10:46:00.002-05:00

(Afterthought: this entry wasn't as exciting as I would have liked it to be. Fail.)
When I was on the bus today, I noticed this woman whom I had seen on the bus before.

It seems that she always wears eyeshadow up to her brow line and she has very, very long fake nails.

Too long. How does she type? How does she pick her nose?

Anyway.

Why do people even find fake nails beautiful? I mean, sure, the designs are nice, but couldn't you just get your real nails done like that?

I remember when I was a kid, my mom wouldn't even let me use nail polish. When I was in first grade, there was this girl named Jessica who used to wear nail polish in really conspicuous colors. Eventually, after much nagging, my mom let me use nail polish that was very, very light pink. Almost a nude color. My sister usually polished her nails baby blue.

When I was in fifth grade, the principal decided to make a school rule regarding fake nails. She forbade it. Believe it or not, though, scabs of girls were wearing them.

WHY!?

I tried using fake nails once a few years ago. I put the glue on the nail and stuck it to my thumb. A few minutes later I decided I didn't like how it felt. I then had to exert a lot of effort to get the nail off. In the end, I decided it was best not to try putting on the rest of the nails.

"Fake nails" is one of those things on the very long list of "Lame Items Women Use for Vain Reasons." I'd like to add Bumpits and Smooth Away to this list. "Smooth Away" is a nice way of saying, "I'm too lazy to use an actual razor." Besides, I hear Smooth Away doesn't smooth anything.

A Day in the Life of a Miley Cyrus Backup Singer

2009-11-17T12:23:00.004-05:00

I saw the Best of Both Worlds Concert movie in theaters in 3D when it came out. And yes, I did notice the back-up singers. Two skinny blonde girls wearing the same outfit with stationary mic stands. Now, I will try to imagine what it's like to be one....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up at 5:30 this morning. This is the time I usually wake up for my morning workout routine. I do everything--pushups, jumping jacks, squats--but my main focus is on leg lifts and crunches--gotta keep that diaphragm strong because I'll be doing lots of singing.

They chose me a little over a year ago to do the Best of Both Worlds tour with Miley. There was an open call in LA for backup singers, the only requirements being that the girl must "be fit, have personality, and professional vocal training." I've had voice training since I was 7, and ever since then I've dreamt of breaking into the music scene with my own album.

After exercise, I eat a healthy breakfast--usually granola and yogurt. I became a quasi-vegetarian for this tour, simply because meat makes you gain weight and can also slow you down. And when you're working for Disney, slowing down is not permitted.

One of the things I don't like about the backup gig is that you HAVE to do what people tell you. There is no freedom with your performance. You stand where they tell you, you move the way they tell you to, and you dress the way they tell you to. Right before the tour started, my agent took me to get my hair dyed blonde and Japanese straightened (my hair is naturally brown and really wavy.) In the weeks before the tour, I spent more time at the gym and at the tanning salon. No one wants to see a pale backup singer in a gold sleeveless shirt.

I always think it's funny how no one notices the backup singers. Whenever I walk around backstage, people often try to stop and question me. Then I show them my performer's pass and their faces fall. Oops.

Rarely does anyone ask me for my autograph. When they do, I don't always write my real name--especially if the person asking is a creepy man. Lately, I've been using funny names, like "Princess Butterfly" and "Daisy Cowe." What does it matter? No one cares what my name is. They just needed an autograph for the sake of getting one.

In the afternoons, especially during the few months before the tour begins, I set aside some time for vocal training. You're never done with voice training--you need to work to maintain your voice, and you also need to keep pushing for new heights. Usually I use an instructional CD that my voice teacher made. 3 days a week me and the three other backup singers (there is a rotation in case anyone gets sick or worn out from performing) meet up with Miley's vocal coach to practice songs from the concert setlist. We work on choruses, call and response, and harmonies. Afterward, I work on any general things that I need to finish--like homework, for example. While on tour, we have a tutor traveling with us so we can finish our high school education.

About an hour or so after I eat dinner, me and the other backups meet with Miley's choreographer to work on stage presence and basic routines. When you're standing in one spot for the entire concert, there isn't much movement that you can do. However, you also don't want to look (or become) stiff onstage. So we do simple dance moves, and we move side to side and clap. Basically, our job in the beginning of the concert is to get the audience going.

I usually watch shows on the CW at night before I go to bed at 11 or 12. Then I wake up the next morning and do it again. While on tour, I can't take the weekends for myself--because that's when we usually have shows.

One of the cool advantages to being a backup singer is the pay. We also get a little taste of the famous life, without having to worry about being in the spotlight and the tabloids.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So yeah. I've done backup singing before, in various ways. It's difficult when you're used to being a solo performer, but then again, I think people are less critical of those who sing backup.

I do miss singing now, though. <3

Smokers and Gamers

2009-11-17T12:08:00.003-05:00

Recently, I've been wondering a lot about them smokers.

I see them a lot now. I think I've seen more smokers on my college campus in one week than I've seen in a lifetime.

The funny thing is that I've noticed they all have a similar expression--the "pensive smoker look."

This is the look that's on their face when they slowly blow smoke out of their mouth as they gaze off into the distance.

And since smokers often have to be outside, often alone, sometimes in the cold, I wonder if they do a lot of thinking.

So, what are they thinking? Are they even thinking? Or are they just vegetating?

I wonder the same thing about my guy friends when they play video games. They suddenly become completely encompassed in the game, and nothing but the game. If you want to have a decent conversation with them while they play, you must talk about the game. You can't talk about quantum physics or relationship issues while they're playing. They need their full concentration to succeed.

When I observe them, though, with their glassy eyes staring blankly at the screen, I sometimes wonder...what are they thinking? Are they thinking about the game? Are they thinking about sex? Are they thinking about nothing? Anything?

I don't know if girls are exactly the same way when they play. We're better multitaskers in general, so maybe it's slightly different...dunno.

"Epiphany 3"

2009-11-17T09:29:00.005-05:00

Those who know me well know that I was a big Myspace blogger at some point in time. I posted Epiphany 1 and 2 there.

This is Epiphany 3. It started out as a creative piece but it really became what I was feeling at that moment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And everything came crashing down at me like a cold pan of ice.
I looked around me from where I was sitting on the floor--shivering, crudely clothed, and wet.
Humiliated.
I saw the faces of many people in my mind. People from my past and present. I thought of all the pain I've experienced and all the pain I've caused. Too much water under my shaky bridge.
This is what happens when I ignore You. This is what happens when I pretend to have it all together. And this is what happens when I talk too much and pray too little.
My idle mouth. Oh, for the ability to NOT speak! To not have one horrible, dripping word be uttered again!
I could stick to writing! In writing you can think things out--at least, in letter writing you can. But the quick impulsiveness of AIM makes for many regretful conversations. As does texting--oh, technology, you have impaled me.
But I am still accountable. Every word from my lips or from my fingers now hangs around me like shards of glass from a broken mirror. Each day, my words--and those of others--dog my every step.
Words.
"Words, words, words," Shakespeare made Hamlet say. The emotion of this fragmented sentence makes me astonishingly empathetic now.
Ok, I'm done. You're right, I'm wrong. I failed yet AGAIN. An unconfessed sin can weigh on the mind like an anvil on a seashell--something's gotta give. There are many anvils here--along with the weights others have placed on me. Can I still give them to You?
Will you still call this mess Your daughter?
But tonight, I will break through the concrete ceiling. You have found me, and I am broken--and You want to make me new. Oh, how long I have resisted Your love. I thought I didn't need You. Or I thought You didn't want me. But now these things have been confirmed--I am sick, dirty and dying. My time here is short compared to where You are, sitting in that "helicopter" watching time from the outside.
Timeless. You are in a place where there is no time. No clocks, no tissue boxes, no medicine. Eternity is not measured in years--eternity is not measured at all. It is immeasurable.
And yet, Your Son came and entered a place where there is time, where He could get sick, where He could be tempted.
He did not waver, though, in His love. In Your love.
LOVE incarnated.
And now, because He intervened--because He took my punishment--I can have freedom and fullness of life.
And You can heal me, You can cleanse me, and You can make me alive again.
I am humbled.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, there it is. My Pastor actually once described God as being in a helicopter watching time. Not literally, of course.
I am a Christian. I am not perfect, though--just forgiven.